Trust Issues

Morning everyone, Ive not long woken up after falling sleeps around 5.30am. I couldnt sleep as I had memories whizzing round my head. I shared some with Patty, thank goodness she was there to listen as I doubt I would have been able to control the flashbacks, I read her some of my writings till she fell asleep. I read through more till i fell asleep. Not much has changed since I was a scared 15 yo girl, I have had ppls abuse my trust, all women that i looked up to, I have bounced from relationship to relationship looking fer love and trust. I have struggled with money and debt since 2007. I still live in fear and I know I will till the day HE dies. I have lots so many friends nd family as they havnt been able to handle my self harm and emotional rollercoaster. I have been accused on more than one occasion of attention seeking because I self harm and apparantly I should have forgotten about what happened to me a long time ago. I no longer ask why was I abused, for a good few years I have asked why is this still effecting me?? why have I had so many ppls hurt me and why the hell do I have such a hard time trusting ppls and push ppls away?? the answer to that one I think is that I can no longer handle any more emotional pain.

Reading my writing I remembered that Te my then boss when I was 15, I told her that what she suspected of happening was true. When I told her she was shaking with anger, She asked me if I had anywhere to to and my friend H who was with me at the time said I could stay at her place. Te told me to run to H's house. (one thing that baffles me is why didnt she offer me staying at her house, why didnt she call the police??) I carried on with my job once I was settled in foster care (if yas can call it settled) Te told me she would have to attend court as me telling her what I did made her a witness. At the last minute she decided she couldnt attend court so gave a written statement instead. Anyways I stayed at that pub till I was 19. In the end I got fired. I moved from being a pot wash to waitress to kitchen staff to bar girl to assistant manager. Te abused her trust in me, she made me think she was a mother figure, that I could tell her stuff, I didnt open up to her as much as I would have liked at the time, but in hindsite I am glad. She abused her position to make me feel guilty if I refused to werk a shift in kitchen, bar or restaurant. I was the youngest employee so I was the cheapest labour. I was popular with the regulars as I was chatty and friendly and I flirted with the guys. I was able to get drink easily which suited me as booze numbed my pain. The thing was when I was drunk I spoke my mind too easily. I will tell her partner what I thought of him (he used to beat on Te) I would sleep around as I had no self respect. I slept with some of the regular punters and this went down like a lead balloon. Wen I got with hubby she was more than pissed 'E is a good bloke, if you hurt him your in serious trouble' anyways in the end she fired me. My last paypacket was a bigger envelope than usual, It contained my wages up to date and 3 letters all of which were dated for the future and where written warnings. I cant remember the werds but I know they were something along the lines of 'your behaviour is not accetable, your mood changes are unaccectable, The way you speak to Pa (her partner) is not acceptable and you have been late ( I was late once and once only from the age of 15-19, This one time I was late lost me my job) If I thought about it I could have gone to the CAB and got help as she planned my dismissal and gave me all my written warnings at once, post dated. At the time I was hurt as my trust had been betrayed, Id lost my job and the person I saw as  mother figure.

Fastforward to 2007 ish......

I get a job as a support worker for adults with Learning Disabilities, Working in a residentail home. The home manager is lovely. I find her awkward to be around at first but we slowly get to know one another. She opens up to me a bit, I open up to her a bit. Al, eventually has a meeting with De the assistant manager and Al tells her everything I have ever told her. She says it is because its company policy. That managers need to know about employees if it effects their work. I feel so betrayed and hurt that in the end I am forced to leave my job, which I had started to hate due to clashes with other staff member, due to my forever changing moods and Taz like behaviour.

 Fast forward to 2009...

Things were becoming to tough for me, I was self harming again for the first time in about 4 years, I was hardly drinking but the inner pain I felt was immense. I was unhappy and crying out for help. I was getting counselling through my employer HCC I was entitled to 6 sessions. These I think did more harm than good, pandora's box had been opened, I had no way of controlling everything, I couldnt talk to E I was scared to. I was alone in a crowded room. My work performance was suffering, I could hardly concentrate on anything. I was seeing my GP on a weekly basis, I was refered to the CMHT and on the waiting list, I was on the list fer Portsmouth and Southamptons Rape crisis teams. I was on the waiting list for CISters and I was on the waiting list for someother organisations. Recieving letters back I was in for a minimum of a 9 month wait. I was going out of my mind, I was hurting so much, I couldnt do a thing, my temper was so short i was snap at the smallest of things, the loo roll being empty, the washing up not done etc... Enter Ar, she was a social worker, working with adults. She got me to open up, she got me to talk, she got me to write things down, she said I could text her when needed. (I did this 4 times and never got a quick reply) She was another mother figure. Well one day I get to work and she refuses to talk to me, My manager is in a meeting with her manager and I instantly know they are talking about me. I get called into the office, Apparantly Ar had spoken to my manager and wasnt happy about anything. Manager said I had misunderstood the relationship, it wasnt a friend ship but a colleague relationship. hang on a second sez I, if she wasnt a friend why would she say some of the things she did to me?? Manager said well you have the numbers of your colleagues, you talk with them and you go out with them. That doesnt make you friends. Just because she gave you her number doesnt mean you can contact her. Well this leaves me more than confused. I get referred to occupational health at the company HQ. I sit and wait fer it all. Anways, I am left alone in my team. They all know that I am hurting and in trouble but none offer much support except Ja, she understands and is helpful. I get talking to a lady in another dept, I will call her San. anyways San helps me and such, we talk via emails during the working day. I spend more time emailing my friends than I do doing my work. I am a mess, my self harming gets worse. I am more volotile and such. In the end I finally get an appt with OH and the lady there tells me to stop self harming and not to make friends with anyone in the company! I tell her its not as easy as that. I know that the whole thing was a waste of time and I feel even worse than I did before. In the end after being watched like a Hawk by my manager, half the team not talking to me and my 'friend' Ar and other social workers not talking to me makes my job almost impossible, I get signed off by my doctor for what ends up being 6 months or so. In the end I decide to jus quit the job and face factsthat I have to end up on benefits. 

 

2013.....

I have several mother figures who I have found on FB, all of whom I love dearly. Some I can speak to about some things, others about other stuff. As I am writing this I realise I havnt spoken to any of them properly for a good 6 months or so. None of them contact me anymore, I actually feel very alone. I have so many good friends but none of whom I can talk to openly. Everyone says the same thing 'you can talk to me, I will listen, I wont judge you, I wont hurt you' well sorry gals but I cant trust you, I cant open up I cant, I know it will end the same as above. Ar said she would never hurt or betray me and look what I got! 

The only thing I can do is write here, some ppls will read it, some ppls wont. to be honest I dont care who reads this bit anymore. I know I am loved by so many ppls but I have been hurt so many times that I cant bare the thought of it happening again. I know recently I have been distancing my self from everyone, except patty, she is the only one I really talk to now, Ive put all my eggs in one basket, they are easier to keep a hold of that lots of little ones. All I want is to be loved and understood and not betrayed. I want to trust people. I adore patty so much, she is the very air I breathe, but something is at the back of my head..... is this wonderful relationship a Te, Al or Ar?? I pray to the Gods that it isnt, I love her like i have loved no other. We talk all the time, we are hardly apart despite being split by the Atlantic. We even go to sleep together on skype!!!! 

Please no one else hurt me, I cant handle anymore pain, let downs or betrayal

Why I self harm

I think I have spoken bout this before, however I feel I need to reiterate the fact.....

My cuts are never deep, they are classed as 'superficial lacerations' this doesnt make them any less serious than someone who needs stitches. A cut is a cut regardless. I currently have approx 50 cuts across both forearms. Imma not proud of this fact, I DONT do it fer attention, Infact I am quite ashamed of ma cuts nd scabs nd marks nd ma arms look horrid. 

This is a way of releasing all the pain that is inside, it is there on a daily basis. I am crying out fer help and imma not getting it. The crisis team here are crap. Every time I have called them for help they say summat along the lines of 'Well I dont know yas case so I cant really help, speak to yas psych' THAT is a real big help considering an 'Emergancy' appt with her is two weeks later. The other thing they seem to say to me is 'get out of the house' that really is useful considering i am agraphobic nd leaving the house is a struggle. On a good day I can manage to get on the bus but I normally have to be met at ma destination.

 I am currently on no anti-pstchotic, i have tried 4 different ones nd well I have had nasty side effects from everyone. When I first came off ma lastest one as advised by my psych I felt fine, but I guess that I still had it in ma system. I am now experiancing flashbacks and freakouts almost on a daily basis. Most of these are so low in severity that I can control them, however some are so intense I have to 'ride them out' This is wen I am at my most vulnerable nd extremly scared. This is also wen I am most likely to do the most damage to myself. 

I have come to realise that I am not getting better, I am being 'stabilised' with medication. Looking at the info on BPD there is a 70% chance of someone recovering completly from BPD. Myself?? I think I am going to have this forever and the 'cure' for me is going to be medication. I have had so much therapy its unreal, Group, 1to1, Internet, Support Groups, you name it Ive had it. 

One thing that REALLY gets me and upsets me greatly is that I have NO support from ma Dad nd Stepmum, they say call us and blah blah blah. I called them 2 weeks ago asking fer a call back nd have had nothing.... I guess being a Pagan Lesbian with a Transgender partner is a big issue for them. They dont understand me one bit, they have NEVER looked into BPD od Bi-Polar or how best to support me. This hurts more than I let on. A lot of the time I would love to be able to pick up the fone and speak to my dad and ask fer a cuddle, but I guess i have to come to terms with the fact they want nothing to do with me anymore.

Wen I think of this the pain I feel cuts deep.

I also have to deal with the abuse I suffered on a daily basis. This will always be with me, it will never go away, I can learn to live with it or let it beat me, I choose the first option, and I do live with it, I am learning but I know that the learning part will never stop, as there will always be a new trigger or a new obsticle to cross. 

I feel like there is so much dirt running thru my veins. I know I am not to blame for what happened to me, Despite it ending 14 years ago I still feel dirty and unworthy of being loved. I feel like I dont deserve any of the kindness people show me. I feel that I should lead a life of misery and such. 

With my wonderful wife to be living stateside I feel so alone, I love her deeply, I still cant believe she loves me and wants to be with me, I still feel like she should leave me as I am so unstable and I am going to be one hell of a challenge for anyone for many years to come. As I said earlier I dont deserve any thing that ppls offer me.

I also feel like I have been let down by the victim support netwerk. I had very little help from them wen my case went to court. I had no support wen it was over, I guess they think that a cheque for £22,000 is enough support. Well it supported me getting drunk fer 3 years!!! I heard nothing from them for 6 years and I got a letter land on ma doorstep saying that the CUNT was being released from prison and was returning to Gosport, They advised that I could get an injunction out against him iffin that would make me feel more protected what and be let down by the police AGAIN??? hmmmmm

Anyways I have little support from the CMHT, I am not sick enuf to get the help I so desperatly want and need, there is a strain on the resources down here.... and I am not well enuf to discharge, so I am in limbo, Iffin I fone up and ask to speak to ma psych its like I am a bother! 

There are a lot of ma friends who try and support me, but very few understand the conditions and have no idea to support me the 'talk to me' thing doesnt werk... I CANT talk that is the problem. I CANT open up. Its all locked away, it wont open and when it does its like pandoras box, it explodes, I dont know how to handle it, I cant handle it, I hurt, I cry inside ( I have a real hard time phyically crying) I am screaming out but no one can hear me... the result, I cut, its the only release I know, its the only thing that gives me a release from all the pain that is inside. The blood trickling down my arms is like the bad stuff leaving my body. 

There yas go folks, a slight insight! 

Tazzy ~X~