Shopping and Surprises

My trip to Eastbourne was definitely a relaxing one, I spent so much time chilling it was unreal, I haven't felt that relaxed since I last went away in June 2010. G was a fantastic hostess and I loved every minute of my break. The only downside was the weather, it was typical for an English February... grey and wet. I wont bore you with every detail of my trip as well that will send you to sleep!

Wednesday the 23rd was G's smurfday and to celebrate we had a light breakfast followed by me having a nap thanks to G's early starts!! After my nap it was time for a late lunch, G chose a restaurant she had never been too, a lovely Mediterranean restaurant called 'Pablos' the food was wonderful and more than enough was on the plate. I would most deff recommend the restaurant, special as the service was top rate. The view from the restaurant was also pretty good and I look forward to seeing it when the weather is much more pleasant.

Wednesday evening saw me and G chilling out, we watched a VIDEO! and it was deff 80's cheese 'Witches of Eastwick' very nostalgic hee hee. G fell asleeps and must have been dreaming as she suddenly spoke to me.. 'Its a blue one with candles' my reply 'huh what you on about?' 'A blue one with candles' in a "you should know this voice" 'OKAYYYYYY,' sez I 'your mad,. but what??' 'A retirement cake, blue one with candles' this made me laugh hard, which woke G up and we spent about 20 minutes laughing about it!!!!

Thursday was a shopping day to Brighton, whoooop says I, I love Brighton and haven't been since I was a small girl. I was in heaven with all the shops, I felt that I was at home and totally relaxed, until we got to the restaurant for lunch, a 10 minute wait turned into half hour and poor lil panic dog had to come out of my bag for a squish, the amount of people in a small space caused me to panic a little. The food looked nice and was OK, not much to write about really. Panic dog spent the time on the table too, this got me a few looks from the staff but I didn't care!

We looked around the lanes, G brought me a beautiful Pandora :o) and full of food (well I was starved after the long wait) we went around some more shops, Brighton really does have everything! We went into a sex toy shop and no-one battered an eyelid.. and I may have made a purchase but I'm not saying either way ;o)

G was stressing a little bit as we had to be back at hers for 7pm as she had friends popping round.. we got back at 6.30, that gave me enough time to upload the piccys and chill out before they arrived. I was chilling on the sofa when they arrived, I wasn't too fussed about moving as I didn't know these people... You can imagine my surprise when it was S and her wife T!!! I did the whole jaw dropping, finger pointing, look of dis-belief thing!!! when I managed to find my voice (yip I was that shocked!) I gave S the worlds biggest hugz and then one for T as well :o) T had brought a bottle of wine so we cracked that open (none for S as she was driving) and we chatted and giggled and then the bottle was empty so me n S went to Asda for more wine!! that was nice as it gave me n S a chance to have a natter, we both have our own stresses n issues and it was nice to share them a little. I've not seen S since her birthday last April but it was as if I've not seen her for a few weeks... that's how much of a good friend she is. We cracked open the 2nd bottle T was on large glasses and me n G were on small glasses, T started to look a little tipsy hahahaha and we talked random babble.. mainly about cats!! S&T have little Ren who is a kitten of my Cecil :) After the wine they had to leave.. summat about work the next day!! It was lovely to see them and I think I was still in shock when they left!! I was kinda grateful it was a surprise as if I'd known they were popping round I would have been so hyper G would have killed me!! (no pics as camera was broked) After S&T left I had a cry as I was missing A and still hurt by the break up, G was on hand with the tissues and hugz.. that was lovely. G knows how to get me smiling and gave me a pep talk about A.

Friday I had a pedicure booked, I was excited as I had never had one, I HATE having my feet touched but they were horrible! Niccki the beautician was lovely and we went to her house for the service, the view was lovely (she is right on the beach) and I was able to relax easily. I told her about my not yet healed sprained ankle and she was really gentle and kept asking me If I was OK. Don't my feet look good??

We then went for a trip to Eastbourne, my poorly net book was all fixed, thanks to G and had to be picked up, we looked around a few shops and had lunch in a yummy noodle bar.. and G FINALLY let me pay for a lunch, I may be skint but wanted to pay my way a bit... and I got to pay for the cheapest meal yet!! bloody women hahaha.

G mentioned a drive to Bexhill-on-sea, just to show me the area I guess, the drive out was lovely, I love being by the sea, it makes me feel close to Ghia. we stopped by a cliff and I managed to take a few pics (got camera working... had to flick a switch!)

Me being a Taz I had a silly head on, which meant a silly comment 'Someone has stolen the Isle of Wight' from the solent you can see the Island and it was a bit weird not seeing anything but sea!!!!

Saturday saw us returning to Gosport, as we drove past the Fareham viaducts I felt that familiar twinge of anxiety in my belly, I was not looking forward to returning home and facing all my stresses, but I was looking forward to seeing my babies.

I had a fantastic break and G is deff a friend for life, she has opened my eyes to what life can be like illness and stress free and for that I am truly grateful :o) xXx

Hiding the pain

I've been told several times that I am a good actress, and sometimes I think that I am, as I am so good at hiding the emotional pain that I feel. A lot of the time I am able to squash it and suppress it in the deepest depths of my brain, but every so often something happens that opens Pandora's box and a little bit of crap comes brimming to the surface!

Yesterday while we were driving around Eastbourne I chatted to G about the past, once I started I couldn't stop, I had verbal diareah (cant spell). As I chatted a wave of memories engulfed me, both good and bad. I felt better at the time but after a while I begun to feel highly emotional, not helped by feeling shattered. (new environment meant a broken nights sleep!) As I chatted to G I realised that I have so much excess baggage I seem to be unable to get rid of, sadly this is not through lack of trying. G opened up about her past, I wont divulge as its not my place to, but I had a massive wave of empathy and my heart went out to her, My suffering is nothing to a lifetime of pain.

Growing up I was told that there is always someone worse off than you... this makes me feel even worse, its like Taz, get over yourself... you have past issues, money issues and issues with A but at least you have food in your belly (when I do eat that is) and a roof over my head (and my house is starting to look pretty good :) )

Despite all the pep talks to myself I didn't get round to feeling much better, I feel super relaxed as I'm not stressing about the usual crap but I have felt emotional all day and have gone to G several times for hugz. I have been reluctant to tell her how I'm feeling as she has gone to so much trouble to make me feel so welcome and has even given Pooh bear a lil friend for the week :o)

Damn this freaking mental illness, it has taken over my life, I fight it like crazy but I know that all the fight is down to my tons of medication!

All that aside I plan on blocking out this pain for a the rest of the week and will face the music on Monday when I am back home and 'recovering' emotionally.

Boobs and booze :o)

What can I say about Saturday night except I gave G a bit of an education into the world of Taz :o) Bro, M2 J-man, B and S3 were round and I decided that as bro and M2 are now engaged (whoooooo hooooo) we needed to celebrate a bit so I brought out the voddy :o) the tunage was cranked up and OMGG we giggled and gaffawd a lot. Bro then produced a bottle of Toffee sidekick and after the bottle was passed round a few times we were really in the mood to parrtay! so sent Bro, J-man n S3 to Tesco for more voddy as we had killed the first bottle. 5 minutes later I noticed fags were also needed so quick call to Bro and he was moaning he had to go back for the fags!!!! by this time we were really in the mood and me and G decided to embarrass Lodger by flashing boobs! this made Bro cringe a lot but hey.... he seen boobs before so he had to suffer :o)

A bit later in the day saw S2 and R joining the party, I ask R if it was OK for S3 to have a drinkypoos... OK he sez but only small ones! 'good job' sez I 'she already had a couple' this got laughs from everyone!

The more that was consumed the louder we got, Me, G and S2 also flashed a lot... well if you got it flaunt it right! I'm very proud of my cleavage... its all natural, although I had a heart attack when I went for a fitting to find I'm a 38F... I mean blimey!!!!

After a few drinkypoos we decided we needed a smoke, and by this I mean weed... J-man and Bro exhausted their contacts and in the end we managed to get some. It was down to R to make up the joints as he was the only one sober enough to roll em!!! the 2 joints were passed around and the group. By this point Lodger had gone to bed so we were down to 7... not that we noticed hahahaha

I think the joint was a step too far for me however, the smoke and booze got to my head and the world started to move! I was a bit gutted as we had become a bit lovey dovey and the group said how much we loved each other and there were lots of hugz n kisses being spread about! by this point I wasn't the only one who was feeling it a bit, M2 was falling asleep on the sofa and G was also starting to doze! so I called it a night and went to bed. I lay in bed trying to focus on the lampshade but the little bugger kept moving about, I then got the familiar feeling and only just made it to the toilet in time!!!!! It was then I decided it was time for a bath so jumped in a bubble bath with G nearby to make sure I was OK :o) Bath made me feel better and the lampshade was now stable :o) so it was time for sleeps!!!

I was bright and breezy at 7am, so bounding down the stairs I stuck the kettle on for the group as all bar S2 and R were asleep in my front room. (they went home to next door) Waking everyone up (has to be done) If Taz is awake everyone is awake hee hee I started to swap stories with bro.... 'I was a saint last nite' he sez, 'J-man n S3 were sick everywhere, but I have cleaned up as I know how fussy you are' 

I had a coffee and a rolly and I started to feel fuzzy.... I then put my head in my hands as I remembered that not only did I flash but I shared my milk.... spraying it over G and S2 hahahahaha well it has to be done lol. After laughing at every ones hangovers I felt better so got ready for my trip to Eastbourne... I was going to go back with G to spend half term :o)

We decided to stop at McD's and for 20 minutes I was a non-veggie as I tucked into a sausage and egg McMuffin... it had to be done as I was hungry and needed food in my belly and by goddess that was sex in a wrapper :o)

So now the antics have be shared with the world it is time to leave you and leave you thinking that I am truly bonkers

xXx

Flowers n giggles

On Friday I blogged saying that I received flowers from G, well I sent her a lovely text saying thanks for the flowers, really made my day! and the reply I got was 'thats very sweet dear but they're not from me' this then left me extremely baffled... the card read 'to a friend from a friend keep smiling xx' I then went through a list of my friends thinking of who it would be, only a select few have my address. I thought of many but didn't have the txt allowance or want the embarrassment of texting saying 'did you send me flowers and how did you know that lilies are my ultimate faves??' 

Being very excited at the thought someone caring enough to spend money on flowers and chocolates gave me a buzz, although it did annoy me a little not knowing who they were from!!!!! 

Friday also saw me feeling very brave... I wanted to go to Fareham to browse the shops.. I had an appointment to see about contacts too, I don't mind glasses but they do get annoying when hairdressing!!!! I decided I was on too much of a hyper to go alone so invited S3 along for a giggle and a stroll around the shops, we were on our best behaviour and I know I embarrassed S3 with my dancing, singing and general silliness!!! S3 tried to disassociate herself from me at times but she didn't have much luck hahahaha.... I was super excited, back on my old meds... okies I'm back to lactating again but I am not down, the new ones (Seroquel) didn't stabilise my mood as they should have done... I felt tired and low.... and that's not how a Taz like me is! I was also excited coz Saturday meant a visit from G.. we get on so well and her visits mean mischief hee hee.

Friday nite saw me chilling out and spending it with my online friends... a nice long chat with M, this gave me a chance to vent some frustrations and air a few lows. M is very good at listening and we can chat for quite a while. I spent a lot of the time clock watching too G was out at a do and wouldn't be online till about 10ish! By the time 10pm came round I was chatting online to 7 friends. C was online and it was nice to chat to her, it had been a few days and I get all fuzzy inside when she calls me petal!!!!

I was also chatting to Shell, she is soooo nice to chat to, I miss the days when we lived next door to each other, MSN is good as we can video but its not the same as nattering over a cuppa!!! The mystery of the flowers was also solved! They were from Shell :) I told her off as I know she is struggling with money but her reply to this was 'I know you were down and I can go without a treat if it means that I can bring a smile to your face.' This brought me to tears, i felt so happy and loved, something I haven't had much of in the past!! I can happily say that these last few years have made me find what love is and it is something that I really enjoy and I want more of it.... so gimmie the love dear reader and I will return it more than gladly :o)

Dear reader thank you for reading about the mundane and I will update you soon on Saturdays antics WHOOOOP!!!!!

Random Babble

I try so hard to see the positives in everything... summat that is hard to do when you are in the deepest depths of a depression, I am currently in a quiet depressive state, this I think is aided by the fact that I am extremely tired, having had less than 10 hours sleep since Wednesday night. I remember reading some where (and dont ask me where as I have no Idea!) that to be human is to face challenges.... we'll not to sound too selfish here but I've had more than my fair share and wish that these freaking hurdles would just piss off and pick on someone else!

I have the everyday stresses of other people...lack of money being the main one, I am currently facing bankruptcy, its not something I want to do but at the moment it is my only option ( and don't bother suggesting I get advice.... been there done that and everyone has said the same) 

I have other stresses but as of yet am not willing to share them publicly.... I have shared things with a trusted few and it will remain that way for some time.....

I do however count myself very fortunate, I have the most amazing best friends a gal could ask for, and these select few are girls that I hold very close to my heart..... Shell my sister friend doesn't count in this list as she is a rule to her own!!!! G is my ultimate best friend and we share so much. I had a bouquet of my favourite lilies turn up today and I have very high suspicions that they came from her!!! I am really touched as this has made my day and made me feel extremely special. Then there is C & D a wonderful couple who's relationship is currently tested by the means of the Atlantic...C on this side who is very busy though takes the time to send me wonderful messages and we chat on-line, we have never met but I already know she is a good friend. D lives in 'Merica and when I'm not at college we can spend hours chatting about nothing, D is very good at lifting my spirits and I think I do the same. The love that these two women have for each other is something that I strive to have one day. (and that's me in trouble for talking about them) S is a really good friend, not one that I talk to often but one that I know is there, I take a lot of inspiration from S and no matter what is thrown her way she always fights her corner. A is my ex-partner who I still love dearly and if it wasn't for her then none of these wonderful people will not be in my life as I wouldn't have been introduced to the world of M2F transgender and stuff, I will always hold A in high regard and hope to one day re-build a relationship of some kind, this is going to take a lot of time and effort but she is well worth it. I can not write about my friends without including N, she is my closest friend, she has stuck by me when I have been at my darkest and only lives around the corner. and like Shell I regard her as my sister.

I also have wonderful neighbours S2 and S3 they are wonderful people and like neighbours should we are in n out of houses and bickering,, teasing and just being good friends... it has got the point where we have taken down the garden fence and have a super garden. This also makes is easier for the cats to pick and choose which house they will visit and when! In total that makes 12 cats!! mad you may think but well not really.. it means that the cats are comfy with each other, well most of the time!

So dear reader you can see with all these lovely people in my life it I'm not down for long, just typing about them has brought me to smiles, I am able to forget the crap and see the sun breaking through the clouds, even on the greyest of days.

I have sadly been let down by someone who I regarded as my brother and my real bro is really not pleased about this, he has since fallen out with this friend of his and is determined to protect his little big sis (he is taller than me) Me and bro through circumstances beyond our control hated each other growing up, far beyond sibling rivalry. Now thankfully we go to the ends of the earth for one and other and he pops rnd for a few hours and leaves 4 days later!

I really could ramble for hours but as its gone lunch time I really should get out of my PJs and do all the things I intended to do when I woke up at the crack of dawn...... 

A lost soul

The last few days I have been feeling very lost, I have a vague Idea as to who I am, I have been on that journey for some time....

I have the most amazing friends and could babble about them for hours! Special my Sister friend Shell who keeps me on the ground!

I have just written an article for Take a break magazine, I did this to get a lot of stuff out in the open and tell my story to help others that are in a similar situation.

anyways back to being lost.... I  almost have two sets of friends, some that are transgendered and some that are not. I don't see the whole transgender thing myself, I see them as they present themselves and they are just people at the end of the day. The trouble is, I don't seem to fit comfy into either group, I am happy with my sexuality (I'm bi in case u were wondering) I feel most comfy with my TG friends as I seem to relate better to them, this group of friends I find are so much more open honest and trustworthy. Anyways... I try and do all I can to support the LGBT community as it needs as much support as it can get... there are so many narrow minded people out there and ignorance plays a big part in it as well...people seem to reject the unfamiliar which is very very sad, if they didnt they would have some amazing friends! However supportive I am I can never fully understand their predicament as I have never walked in their shoes so to speak, this makes me feel sad, I can only seem to support them so much and then I get lost :(

With my non TG friends on average I am less my self, its like I put the same old mask back on and its like ugh! why am I still doing this?? I don't do this with everyone, just most people! But then as I have no true idea as to who I really am I wonder if my other face is a mask!! then I think about it and get a headache!

I know for a fact I'm a lively bubbly person and I am caring and will do anything for anyone, and if you cross me then you best stand well back as I'm like an Ice Dragon!

All this morning I have been on a major hyper (the manic part of manic depression is the easiest way to describe it) I have been unable to sit still, fingers tapping away like mad and I have been listening to Lady Gaga's 'Born this Way' on repeat for about 2 n half hours!!! and yes I have been dancing along!!! I have had some wonderful chats with friends and that has increased the Hyper... my poor brother has had the brunt of it!

When I am not babbling to my friends I feel very lonely, its like there is something missing, I miss having someone to look after, cook for etc... and I think that aids the lost feeling as the saying goes.. 'Its my nature to nurture' and I don't feel I have that at the moment, to aid this I send daft poems to friends n family, I keep getting told to make a book out of em but to be honest, I think they are crap, but they bring a smile n giggle so that's the main thing.

I wish I could open up to my parents and tell them a lot of stuff, I expect they already know a lot more from third parties but I have never been able to tell them... mainly out of fear of rejection or disappointment. They are very religious and I don't think they are very open minded, I am very scared of them saying they don't approve of me and that keeps me distant from them.... I am happily pagan and I am happily bi-sexual, and my ideal partner for some reason is a trans-woman!!!! If I told them this I think they would freak and try n have me ex-communicated or something!!

In the article I wrote I put a lot of stuff down that a lot of people didn't know, if you put everything I told all my nearest and dearest u would get my article!

All this makes me sound very self centred as all I have done is talk me, me, me.. but its not something Im good at, I make it hard work for my therapist!

think that's enuf babble for one post, ttfn folks xXx

First Post

I thought Id start a new blog, As my life has changed since my last blogspace.... I cant remember the password either so that helped with the change!!! so a lil about Taz.......

I am currently enjoying the single life (sorta) after I stupidly broke up with my ex :(

I currently have Borderline Personality Disorder which is nasty, my mood is up n down more than a hookers panties!! for more info on this illness check out.... http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH000193

this maybe with me for a  a good few years but with help I am striving to survive :)

I have had a shitty past and thats all Im going to say on that matter coz its in the past and I cant change it.

I  have come to the conclusion that I am meant to survive as this is Woman's most basic instinct.

A lot of my friends are varying degrees of transgender, and they are my best friends, and if anyone has a problem with this, then they are ignorant and not worth my time or effort!!

Err what else??? I have 7 wonderful cats and am currently training at college to be a hairdresser, summat I wanted to do at 16 but wasn't allowed so doing now :)

well enuf about me..... ttfn in teh words of Tigger (I'm the only (girl) one!!)