Life as a borderline

Life as a borderline sucks... one minute Im up and the next Im down. I long for the day Im more stable..... mind this past week I have learned how much I depend on my medications... On tuesday I took what was my last pills, I became very ill as the meds worked their way out of my system, Thursday I have no idea how I got through the day, I was a dribbling babbling mess, One minute I was bawling my eyes out, then I felt ill then I was so hyper I dont think anyone understood what I was talking about!! By friday I was craving my medication so bad I knew that I had to get some...  a bit like a drug addict I suppose, except my addiction is prescribed meds. The only way I was able to get what I needed was to get an emergancy appointment. But on Friday when I held my prescription in my hand I was so relieved. Thursday I really scared myself. I didnt really know what I was doing and I felt like crap.

Mind this weekend I was looking forward to as I was doggy sitting, My friends dog Max. He is a massive cutey and I loved having him. We went for a nice long beach walk and despite the wind I had fun, I hope I can dog sit again.

The purpose of this post, the life of a Borderline... It doesnt take much to knock me down, and it doesnt take much to lift me up... I was happy coz I had the weekend with a dog! and this evening I feel empty inside as I feel alone. I could ramble for hours but this wont solve anything, so I am going to cuddle with G-bear and I know that he will make me feel better (aventually) :o)

Looking up??

WOW! what a difference a day makes... well more than a day actually... here is an outline for you dear reader...

College; well my extra classes have paid off, I have finished all of my work three weeks early :) Though I need to now chase my tutors for signatures in my books and chase my personal tutor for all my work books. I am so chuffed that I have done all my work as I have worked my butt off since just before Easter. Doing long days and extra classes has been hard work, however it has not made up for all the time I had off. Though I am loving my thursday evening class as it is a small group and Tracey trusts me enough to get on with things. 

Gemma; Wow! We have become so close over the last few weeks and have been a couple for 3 weeks or so, I feel like a loved up teenager. She is so lovely and I have thrown all my faults at her and she is still here :o) I have heard so much admiration for her, like me she has issues but hasnt run away from me. I hope that in time I am able to right many a blog about us as I see a rosy future for us. Do I think she is 'the one' I have no idea, but I pray to Gaia that she is, despite the miles (220) between us we have so many things in common and I thrive for our chats. 

 
My BPD; Meh, getting there, have my ups and downs and I have been fighting to stay positive. I self harmed a week ago, I havnt done it since, though I have wanted to... I am fed up with receiving pity, I dont do it for attention, I do it because I cant cope. Im not proud of it, and I hate all my scars. I just wish when I reach that point there was another way I could let off the steam and release all the pain. 


My parents; gosh, I could write a book here. I love my parents to pieces but I know I have let them down. I keep so much from them. If they were to read this blog I know they would banish me to goddess knows where!! As far as Im aware they are very straight laced and dont agree with the LGBT world... so they are going to 'love' me as I have come to terms with the fact that I am a bi-sexual lesbian. I have always known I liked girls but I buried it knowing that family wouldn't approve, but since I met Amber I decided to do what was right for me and do what made me happy. 

My babies; they are all still gawjus, Stripes is currently sporting a bandage scarf as she has some wounds on her neck, I suspect she has been attacked by either a dog or a fox. She is hating the bandage but its for her own good and to help the wounds heal. I am trying to keep them clean and her claws away from the scabs so a loose bandage held in place by plasters it is :o)