Money SUX!

Hey y'all, 

WOW! could things get any werse rite now??

Dee is no longer in my life at all, not as friends nuffin, I miss her and ma heart is breaking into a million pieces.

I am subject to benefit changes as of April:
I live alone in a 2 bed house, so I get the 14% bedroom tax, Downsize I hear yas say, well its not that simple:

• There will b no bed for someone to sleep in iffin I need someone over night
• I will b in a different area, wont know anyone
• Its taken me a long 3 years + to make friends wif ma neighbours
• It would b highly likely I will lose 1 if not all of ma kids
• I will have to pay for removals, new carpets, decorating etc 
• Moving will b more than stressful 

So iffin yas haf a solution to all the above please share it....  Due to the new rules I also hafta pay a portion of ma council tax too £22 a month, not a lot I hear yas say, add up all the other monthly bills and take them away from what I recieve nd please tell me how Imma meant to eat?

I am also paying back a 4k+ overpayment in Council tax nd housing benefits from 09/10 When I applied fer the benefit me and Amber was living as a couple, well I still live in the property nd coz Amber apparantly had 16K + of assessts the benefits haf been revoked, but I am left to pay the whole balance.. yes my name was on the claim form but her was too.....

 I haf been to the CAB fer money advice, I dont shout about this but I am in 24K of debt, at least. there is no excuse fer all this debt, I made it... cept one 16K of it belongs to the remains of ma mortgage. I was part of rowner renewal project, my flat is now a car park fer the new Tesco that is being built. Well the flat was werth X First wessex were offering Y. The bank wouldnt decrease the amount nd first wessex wouldnt increase the offer so in the end the bank repossessed my flat nd I was left with the 16K debt. 

CAB haf told me the best thing i can do is go bankrupt... yeah easier said than done, n summat Ive known since 2009 well I cant raise the funds, so I am now having to apply to a charity fer the help. 

I am fighting nd fighting to stay afloat, I am now paying ma bills every month, I dont own a tv as I cant afford the lisence. 

I have a debt wif ma bank, I have a temporary overdraft which is being reduced over time. However the CAB haf told me that I am to change my bank, simples?? nopes as the ONLY bank that does a basic basic basic bank account with a debit card is Natwest... this is the bank I am with now. With no debit card I wont b able to do ma shopping online, this means going rnd a store where there is temptation fer goodies nd also lots of ppls nd then batteling home on the bus wif a shit loada groceries. The CAB haf sed that by paying off this debt to the bank I am prioritising my debts and therefore other creditors will say well why are they being paid off and not me?? I see no soloution to this at all. 

All of this is fuel fer ma depression, as of yet I have not cut but I have bitten ma finger nails till they bleed nd cried my heart out. I have also thought suicide; jumping in front of a bus etc. It is 2pm and I have not taken this mornings meds as I am shit scared of taking the whole lot.

The only reason I am able to write this is coz of ma kids, take them away from me nd i have nothing. I am actually waiting fer some azzhole to cause me problems wif regards to ma kids.....

Its not all shit tho.... I am now a divorcee, the one bit of good news I received on friday! 

Part of the past

This maybe a bit of a graphic post my friends, I do applogise to y'all in advance iffin yas offended by anything yas read here

I like to think of myself as a good friend so when Lo asked me iffin she could ask me a question this morning, i was like yups ofc, she is one of the most important ppls in my life. Well she asked me about anal sex, I was a lil shocked at first nd then WHAM! it hit me like a tonne of bricks, taking me back to 14 years old, feeling the pain as I silently cried as I was analy penetrated by my bully of an uncle. All i remember is the pain nd bleeding afterwards. 

I had flashback after flashback hitting me like a tsunami, but instead of retreating like I usually do I took a differnent approach, I spoke to Lo about it and commented on her fb thread:
  
Good grief, I am not one who supports the Death Penalty but just found out about a beloved friends childhood abuse. Some men need a damn good public kicking in the balls and thereafter castration! THE PAINFUL WAY!!!
 
 As yas can see she didnt mention me by name, I thought, nopes, not hiding no mores, Issa gotta speak up... so I did....

Tazzy Womack I approve of the bastard getting all he deserves... jus so ppls know, the friend is me... I wont hide away coz thats what he wants me to do, he WANTS me to re live it, well no mores, I am gonna b brave, stand up nd say that he may have destroyed a part of me but not all of me! He was only in prision 6 years, despite being served sentances of 12 nd 10 years. He was given hell inside nd also had 2 strokes coz he was stressed nd shit, he is known in Gosport nd gets abuse almost everytime he goes out. his car has been damaged nd he is slowly dying due to alcohol addiction.
I came face to face with him last May nd HE was scared of ME... I looked into his cold dark eyes and the amount of fear in them was great!!!!!!!

Anyways, I have thought about it some more and to control the flashbacks I am going to write about some of what I endured......

At the age of 9 i was sitting in school assembly, not paying attention, my hands felt dirty and funny, I had just washed them, I dont know what I was thinking but i knew I was a norty girl. The night before I had been told to watch a movie with my uncle in his room, he lay on the bed nd got naked, I had to lay on top of him nd toss him off, I dont remember much of the incident but I knew I didnt like it, I hated it, that was the first of many visits. 

They will all be jumbled as I have very little memory of things, it jus stumbles out....

For my 13th birthday I had a joint party with a girl from the estate, i was allowed to choose a really nice outfit, it was 1997 and all the rage were these seethru dress things with a cami sole nd shorts underneath, I questioned the outfit, I really liked it but I wanted someting a lil more conservative, Uncle sed I should get it and told me how grown up I looked in it.

Mum has learning disabilities, she is very slow in what she says and gets confused easily, she and I would argue all the time, mostly coz uncle was paying me attention and not her... well i would often get upset by this and this resulted in 'comfort' which would always start with a cuddle and end with goodness knows what. 

I remeber needing some new shoes, mine were falling apart beyond repair, Uncle took me shopping fer new shoes, they cost around £25 ish, later on the way home he sed I had to pay him back.... 2 sessions at least... this meant later i would b in his room behind a locked door being forced into sex and such. I jus laydown silently crying, not showing any emotions as I was fearful of what that would bring. 

I would have to rub cream into fresh tattoos in a gentle way, nd one time I was watching a movie nd he mentioned his freshly pierced nipple, saying that the best thing for healing was human saliva, so yups I had to suck and lick it.

As I grew up and puberty hit reality hit him in that I wasnt a young girl anymore. He said that a lot of women shaved to make them selves feel young. So legs spread I was made to laydown, knees bent nd he would shave me. This happened on several ocassions. I was asked how I felt, did I feel young again?? nd told that it looked better nd much prettier down there... and yups he would then go on to fondle me with fingers and tounge. 

  

4 of us lived in a 3 bedroom house, me nd mum sharing, brother having a room and uncle having another, Brother being 6 years younger than me and me growing up uncle suggested that me and brother switch.... so I ended up with my own room, this to me was great, it was kitted out really nice and grown up, I hada desk where I could do my homewerk and I would retreat to my room, snuggled with the animals (cats nd Dogs) he in time fitted a lock to the inside of my door telling mum is was so that I had peace while i did school werk. I used to lock it frequently jus to hide away. One day he came home nd tried my door, it was locked he knocked nd told me to open the door... he sed I was never to lock him out of my room. I dont know if any abuse took place in there, I really cant remember but I know he did come into my room at night, I started making sure the dogs slept with me. When he opened my door the dogs would growl one at my feet the other at my belly. I think this was a deterrant so as not to set the dogs off.

Much later at the age of 14/15 living in the house was awful, fights, shouting and such, I would beat up my brother, tho sometimes we would play nicely but my moods would change at the drop of a hat. I wonder iffin this was the onset of my mental health issues??

Anyways a friend of his had a flat to rent, Uncle suggested that he rent it out and me go with him,  to be away from my mother and a bit of peace, I liked this idea nd yes things were much calmer. Though the abuse stepped up. One day I was in the bath, he came in to see how I was and he bathed me, I wasnt even safe in the bath, I couldnt lock the door as I was ordered not too. I think this is mostly where my fear of bathing comes from. Even now I have to bath with the door open as it freaks me out. I cant fully relax but I do try and it is getting better, but I do have someone with me. as well as a teddy bear... a bear isnt able to protect me but it does bring me comfort. The one thing that sticks in my mind is him squeezing out the conditioner and saying 'this is what my fluid is like' 

Due to the shaving i would get ingrowing hairs, one turned into a massive boil/cyst type thingy. Well I was sitting on the sofa nd it was hurting, I couldnt get comfy, he asked me why and he sed he would take a look. Well he did, he said he would kiss it better, as he drew his head closer I was grimacing and feeling uncomfy. My then dog Jerry Lee must have sensed this and he went for his face, snarling and growling... Good Boi. While the dog was about he never went for me again, so me and Jerry Lee spent all our time together. Tho I dont think he was around much longer after this. Uncle saying he was a dangerous dog. 

When I hit my teenage years I was not allowed to stay at friends very often or have them stay over, this was a saving grace for me as I knew I was safe while i was around them. I had to ask when he was drunk as then he would agree to it.

In the summer months I had to wear a skirt to school, and yes it was quite short, but not too short.

I used to dress in tracky bottoms nd baggy t shirts, this was so i could hide, I was ashamed of myself and disgusted at the same time. I wanted no attention from anyone. Tho as I grew older I had to dress better, jeans were a compromise.

As I grew older I tried to rebel, spending time out and such. I spent more time being grounded than any kid I knew. He would advertise the fact that I was grounded, kids on the estate where not allowed to play with me coz the parents were given the impression I was a really bad child. I was only allowed out to do my paper round, school and being sent on errands, normally late at night to the takeways at night, Im talking 11 or so at night when all the drunks are about. 

Ofc being grounded meant i was home a hell of a lot, this meant more abuse.

I remember one time being forced to watch a porn movie, the girl was giving a blow job and he turned round and sed 'thats what I want you to do to me' it was the most disgusting thing I had done, I always felt sick. 

I dont know how many times I was abused, my brain has blocked most of it away. I think it was almost on a daily basis. My saving grace was finally mentioning it at the age of 15 and being free from it all, it went to court, he was sentanced to 2 sentances 10 years and 12 years to run concurantly. He served 6 years..... 

I have no run out of memories, which I think you will admit is a good thing! 

Tazzy ~X~ 

 

 

Head Fucked

At times like this I wish I was an addict, rite now I would do anything to numb this emotional pain. Inside I am crying with so much pain, I am torn into a million pieces. A couple of weeks ago I wrote to my Dad and Step-mum saying that I  dont feel supported, I feel alone and I dont know why, is it coz Imma pagan lesbain with mental health issues?? about 4 days after receiving said letter my dad sent me a text containing the words 'we have always supported you at great cost to us' the following week I got a letter written by my step mum containing the werds 'we cant be with you 24/7 as we have our own lives, resposabilities and difficulties' Imma not asking fer them 24/7 Imma asking fer now nd then, I called on 29.01.2013 and I am still yet to get a return on my call. They have put in writing what I have known for years.

I have been torn in2 by ma current spouse and my ex, both love me unconditionaly, I havnt got a scooby doo as to why, both have problems with me contacting the other. I broke my ex's heart, she was put in an awful situation due to me, I feel awful for this. She is such a sweet wonderful caring person and I wanted to help her get back on her feet, I know more than most getting back on yas feet can take a hell of a long time, nd yas need constant support. Despite the break up she was also a massive support to me as well. My current spouse is across the pond in Illinois. Thanks to skype I can b with her often nd thanks to her werking nights I  get even more time with her. But I have got to the point where I feel that I cant lead my life, like I have to b at a computer 24/7. Dont get me wrong, she has never stopped me doing anything, but I feel a lil trapped. This whole situation takes me back to 2009 when I left Ian nd I had him on side and Amber on the other. I messed with their heads coz I was so confused and messed up. I know I will do the same to Patz nd Dee so I have told them I need to step back, for how long I dont know. I cant make promises to either girl. I have to sort myself out. Funny huh almost 4 years later nd Imma still in the same messes!!! 

I have some wonderful friends nd family that i can turn to, but no one fully understands me, I have done this. I have been hurt so bad by people in the past. But not even I know myself, so how can I expect others to know me. 

At the moment I dont know which way to turn, which road to go down.

Looking at ma facebook one of ma bestest girls (she knows who she is) is talking about leaving her fiancé, this makes me so sad as she more than most that I know deserves happiness, she is a wonderful girl and I love her dearly. Also it makes me think, if her realationships fall apart there isnt much hope fer ppls like me :(

I continue to DJ fer RMX, this gives me a chance to ferget about life and take it out on the music. I know there are ppls out there with more issues as me, and one of my dear friends is about to start cancer treatment. I truely care for my 'brother' and I know he can beat this. Cancer is an illness that is more widely accepted in society. People understand it, Mental health issues are still taboo and hardly anyone understands, I hope this changes in the future to help people like me. 

At the moment I can cope in the only way I know, by cutting, It releases some of the pain and the nastyness that I feel runs thru my veins. I mean I must be an awful person to have two women love me deeply and have trouble letting either one go from my life. 
   

 

Trust Issues

Morning everyone, Ive not long woken up after falling sleeps around 5.30am. I couldnt sleep as I had memories whizzing round my head. I shared some with Patty, thank goodness she was there to listen as I doubt I would have been able to control the flashbacks, I read her some of my writings till she fell asleep. I read through more till i fell asleep. Not much has changed since I was a scared 15 yo girl, I have had ppls abuse my trust, all women that i looked up to, I have bounced from relationship to relationship looking fer love and trust. I have struggled with money and debt since 2007. I still live in fear and I know I will till the day HE dies. I have lots so many friends nd family as they havnt been able to handle my self harm and emotional rollercoaster. I have been accused on more than one occasion of attention seeking because I self harm and apparantly I should have forgotten about what happened to me a long time ago. I no longer ask why was I abused, for a good few years I have asked why is this still effecting me?? why have I had so many ppls hurt me and why the hell do I have such a hard time trusting ppls and push ppls away?? the answer to that one I think is that I can no longer handle any more emotional pain.

Reading my writing I remembered that Te my then boss when I was 15, I told her that what she suspected of happening was true. When I told her she was shaking with anger, She asked me if I had anywhere to to and my friend H who was with me at the time said I could stay at her place. Te told me to run to H's house. (one thing that baffles me is why didnt she offer me staying at her house, why didnt she call the police??) I carried on with my job once I was settled in foster care (if yas can call it settled) Te told me she would have to attend court as me telling her what I did made her a witness. At the last minute she decided she couldnt attend court so gave a written statement instead. Anyways I stayed at that pub till I was 19. In the end I got fired. I moved from being a pot wash to waitress to kitchen staff to bar girl to assistant manager. Te abused her trust in me, she made me think she was a mother figure, that I could tell her stuff, I didnt open up to her as much as I would have liked at the time, but in hindsite I am glad. She abused her position to make me feel guilty if I refused to werk a shift in kitchen, bar or restaurant. I was the youngest employee so I was the cheapest labour. I was popular with the regulars as I was chatty and friendly and I flirted with the guys. I was able to get drink easily which suited me as booze numbed my pain. The thing was when I was drunk I spoke my mind too easily. I will tell her partner what I thought of him (he used to beat on Te) I would sleep around as I had no self respect. I slept with some of the regular punters and this went down like a lead balloon. Wen I got with hubby she was more than pissed 'E is a good bloke, if you hurt him your in serious trouble' anyways in the end she fired me. My last paypacket was a bigger envelope than usual, It contained my wages up to date and 3 letters all of which were dated for the future and where written warnings. I cant remember the werds but I know they were something along the lines of 'your behaviour is not accetable, your mood changes are unaccectable, The way you speak to Pa (her partner) is not acceptable and you have been late ( I was late once and once only from the age of 15-19, This one time I was late lost me my job) If I thought about it I could have gone to the CAB and got help as she planned my dismissal and gave me all my written warnings at once, post dated. At the time I was hurt as my trust had been betrayed, Id lost my job and the person I saw as  mother figure.

Fastforward to 2007 ish......

I get a job as a support worker for adults with Learning Disabilities, Working in a residentail home. The home manager is lovely. I find her awkward to be around at first but we slowly get to know one another. She opens up to me a bit, I open up to her a bit. Al, eventually has a meeting with De the assistant manager and Al tells her everything I have ever told her. She says it is because its company policy. That managers need to know about employees if it effects their work. I feel so betrayed and hurt that in the end I am forced to leave my job, which I had started to hate due to clashes with other staff member, due to my forever changing moods and Taz like behaviour.

 Fast forward to 2009...

Things were becoming to tough for me, I was self harming again for the first time in about 4 years, I was hardly drinking but the inner pain I felt was immense. I was unhappy and crying out for help. I was getting counselling through my employer HCC I was entitled to 6 sessions. These I think did more harm than good, pandora's box had been opened, I had no way of controlling everything, I couldnt talk to E I was scared to. I was alone in a crowded room. My work performance was suffering, I could hardly concentrate on anything. I was seeing my GP on a weekly basis, I was refered to the CMHT and on the waiting list, I was on the list fer Portsmouth and Southamptons Rape crisis teams. I was on the waiting list for CISters and I was on the waiting list for someother organisations. Recieving letters back I was in for a minimum of a 9 month wait. I was going out of my mind, I was hurting so much, I couldnt do a thing, my temper was so short i was snap at the smallest of things, the loo roll being empty, the washing up not done etc... Enter Ar, she was a social worker, working with adults. She got me to open up, she got me to talk, she got me to write things down, she said I could text her when needed. (I did this 4 times and never got a quick reply) She was another mother figure. Well one day I get to work and she refuses to talk to me, My manager is in a meeting with her manager and I instantly know they are talking about me. I get called into the office, Apparantly Ar had spoken to my manager and wasnt happy about anything. Manager said I had misunderstood the relationship, it wasnt a friend ship but a colleague relationship. hang on a second sez I, if she wasnt a friend why would she say some of the things she did to me?? Manager said well you have the numbers of your colleagues, you talk with them and you go out with them. That doesnt make you friends. Just because she gave you her number doesnt mean you can contact her. Well this leaves me more than confused. I get referred to occupational health at the company HQ. I sit and wait fer it all. Anways, I am left alone in my team. They all know that I am hurting and in trouble but none offer much support except Ja, she understands and is helpful. I get talking to a lady in another dept, I will call her San. anyways San helps me and such, we talk via emails during the working day. I spend more time emailing my friends than I do doing my work. I am a mess, my self harming gets worse. I am more volotile and such. In the end I finally get an appt with OH and the lady there tells me to stop self harming and not to make friends with anyone in the company! I tell her its not as easy as that. I know that the whole thing was a waste of time and I feel even worse than I did before. In the end after being watched like a Hawk by my manager, half the team not talking to me and my 'friend' Ar and other social workers not talking to me makes my job almost impossible, I get signed off by my doctor for what ends up being 6 months or so. In the end I decide to jus quit the job and face factsthat I have to end up on benefits. 

 

2013.....

I have several mother figures who I have found on FB, all of whom I love dearly. Some I can speak to about some things, others about other stuff. As I am writing this I realise I havnt spoken to any of them properly for a good 6 months or so. None of them contact me anymore, I actually feel very alone. I have so many good friends but none of whom I can talk to openly. Everyone says the same thing 'you can talk to me, I will listen, I wont judge you, I wont hurt you' well sorry gals but I cant trust you, I cant open up I cant, I know it will end the same as above. Ar said she would never hurt or betray me and look what I got! 

The only thing I can do is write here, some ppls will read it, some ppls wont. to be honest I dont care who reads this bit anymore. I know I am loved by so many ppls but I have been hurt so many times that I cant bare the thought of it happening again. I know recently I have been distancing my self from everyone, except patty, she is the only one I really talk to now, Ive put all my eggs in one basket, they are easier to keep a hold of that lots of little ones. All I want is to be loved and understood and not betrayed. I want to trust people. I adore patty so much, she is the very air I breathe, but something is at the back of my head..... is this wonderful relationship a Te, Al or Ar?? I pray to the Gods that it isnt, I love her like i have loved no other. We talk all the time, we are hardly apart despite being split by the Atlantic. We even go to sleep together on skype!!!! 

Please no one else hurt me, I cant handle anymore pain, let downs or betrayal

Why I self harm

I think I have spoken bout this before, however I feel I need to reiterate the fact.....

My cuts are never deep, they are classed as 'superficial lacerations' this doesnt make them any less serious than someone who needs stitches. A cut is a cut regardless. I currently have approx 50 cuts across both forearms. Imma not proud of this fact, I DONT do it fer attention, Infact I am quite ashamed of ma cuts nd scabs nd marks nd ma arms look horrid. 

This is a way of releasing all the pain that is inside, it is there on a daily basis. I am crying out fer help and imma not getting it. The crisis team here are crap. Every time I have called them for help they say summat along the lines of 'Well I dont know yas case so I cant really help, speak to yas psych' THAT is a real big help considering an 'Emergancy' appt with her is two weeks later. The other thing they seem to say to me is 'get out of the house' that really is useful considering i am agraphobic nd leaving the house is a struggle. On a good day I can manage to get on the bus but I normally have to be met at ma destination.

 I am currently on no anti-pstchotic, i have tried 4 different ones nd well I have had nasty side effects from everyone. When I first came off ma lastest one as advised by my psych I felt fine, but I guess that I still had it in ma system. I am now experiancing flashbacks and freakouts almost on a daily basis. Most of these are so low in severity that I can control them, however some are so intense I have to 'ride them out' This is wen I am at my most vulnerable nd extremly scared. This is also wen I am most likely to do the most damage to myself. 

I have come to realise that I am not getting better, I am being 'stabilised' with medication. Looking at the info on BPD there is a 70% chance of someone recovering completly from BPD. Myself?? I think I am going to have this forever and the 'cure' for me is going to be medication. I have had so much therapy its unreal, Group, 1to1, Internet, Support Groups, you name it Ive had it. 

One thing that REALLY gets me and upsets me greatly is that I have NO support from ma Dad nd Stepmum, they say call us and blah blah blah. I called them 2 weeks ago asking fer a call back nd have had nothing.... I guess being a Pagan Lesbian with a Transgender partner is a big issue for them. They dont understand me one bit, they have NEVER looked into BPD od Bi-Polar or how best to support me. This hurts more than I let on. A lot of the time I would love to be able to pick up the fone and speak to my dad and ask fer a cuddle, but I guess i have to come to terms with the fact they want nothing to do with me anymore.

Wen I think of this the pain I feel cuts deep.

I also have to deal with the abuse I suffered on a daily basis. This will always be with me, it will never go away, I can learn to live with it or let it beat me, I choose the first option, and I do live with it, I am learning but I know that the learning part will never stop, as there will always be a new trigger or a new obsticle to cross. 

I feel like there is so much dirt running thru my veins. I know I am not to blame for what happened to me, Despite it ending 14 years ago I still feel dirty and unworthy of being loved. I feel like I dont deserve any of the kindness people show me. I feel that I should lead a life of misery and such. 

With my wonderful wife to be living stateside I feel so alone, I love her deeply, I still cant believe she loves me and wants to be with me, I still feel like she should leave me as I am so unstable and I am going to be one hell of a challenge for anyone for many years to come. As I said earlier I dont deserve any thing that ppls offer me.

I also feel like I have been let down by the victim support netwerk. I had very little help from them wen my case went to court. I had no support wen it was over, I guess they think that a cheque for £22,000 is enough support. Well it supported me getting drunk fer 3 years!!! I heard nothing from them for 6 years and I got a letter land on ma doorstep saying that the CUNT was being released from prison and was returning to Gosport, They advised that I could get an injunction out against him iffin that would make me feel more protected what and be let down by the police AGAIN??? hmmmmm

Anyways I have little support from the CMHT, I am not sick enuf to get the help I so desperatly want and need, there is a strain on the resources down here.... and I am not well enuf to discharge, so I am in limbo, Iffin I fone up and ask to speak to ma psych its like I am a bother! 

There are a lot of ma friends who try and support me, but very few understand the conditions and have no idea to support me the 'talk to me' thing doesnt werk... I CANT talk that is the problem. I CANT open up. Its all locked away, it wont open and when it does its like pandoras box, it explodes, I dont know how to handle it, I cant handle it, I hurt, I cry inside ( I have a real hard time phyically crying) I am screaming out but no one can hear me... the result, I cut, its the only release I know, its the only thing that gives me a release from all the pain that is inside. The blood trickling down my arms is like the bad stuff leaving my body. 

There yas go folks, a slight insight! 

Tazzy ~X~