Planning and Clearing

I have spent less time crying lately, well on the outside anyway. I have kinda got used to the Idea that Gracey wont be visiting me anymore, but I was still really upset yesterday. It hurts not having Gracey to hug, I have a picture of her that was her fave and I have hung it on my bedroom wall and I have to confess I often talk to it!

Organinsing the memorial is proving a challenge, Hailsham is the place now as Eastbourne didnt have the wake venue I wanted.. I'm REALLY fussy!

I try not to think about her to much atm, coz when I do I get really upset. G-Bear is never too far away and he is now a dirty white.. he has had lots of cuddles, its almost as if Im hugging Grace. Another sad thing is writing my blog, Grace loved reading it and would talk to me about it afterward, I have no idea if people still read it but tbh I dont really care, its here if ppl want to read it!

I have been doing a clearout over the last 4 weeks, I have got rid of so much crap and there is still so much to get rid of, I kinda want to have the minimalist look, less is more and all that!

I have tried selling stuff but to no avail so free cycled most of it! Now I have cleared stuff the next job is my clothes... dont really fancy that job tho, I have LOTS of clothes, but I pplan on getting rid and getting clothes that actually fit, I was loosing weight but think Ive got really REALLY fat lately... tho when I lost weight I kept my boobs so I think a boob reduction is in order soon!!

I have my pre-op assessment on Monday, and my operation on the 28th, Im really nervous already but I know its needed.. I need to have these growths removed before they turn into the big Cancer... I really dont need that atm.

I would also like to mention my friends.... Shell has been so supportive, C&D have been on the other end of the phone and FB, I cant wait to meet these ladies. S sends me random messages at times and I have even spoken to L, we have a love hate relationship atm and a friendship is deffo growing again :) R, S2 and S3 are only next door which is a big help, consdidering they have their own issues. I have finally been able to get hold of Pup, I have really missed talking to her, she is having a REALLY tough time atm and the fact that she has the time to make me smile means a lot. I've not seen much of G&N but they are here and N has been wonderful, I miss seeing her as often as I did... we had some good giggles. A and I are well not doing so good, I have tried to make up to her but without sucess, having been told to F*** Off so I have done, I miss her but the ball is in her court now.

Oh! I have something to lookforward too... Gal nite with T2 and M3 whooooooop and their pups, cant wait and on the 9th of April is S's birthday bash in London and the 101st Tranny brigade will be reunited :o) 


My babies are doing good, they have new collars, cept Furgs, she is hiding upstairs and wont come get hers. Gracey and Barley are sleeping and enjoy cuddles, Barley has a nice new cage and he seems to like it... it makes him think coz o the tubes and thats gota be good for him!!!!


Thats enuf babble for now :o) byeeeeeeeee xXx

Tears and more Tears

The last few days have been hard, I miss Grace so so so much, I was told that as the days go by things would get easier, but since Saturday they seem to have got harder. Friday I decided I was going to get a new pet, I love all my babies and Barley but I needed something new, so went to the pet store and found a Chinese Dwarf hamster that was up for adoption, he seemed perfect and in need of love as he was an unwanted pet. I named him Gracey after Grace. I kinda think its a fitting name really. 

Both Gracey and Barley no live in the front room, I felt bad for having Barley in the bathroom, the last week I feel that I have ignored my little man and being in the front room they are deffo getting loads of attention :)

Since Grace passed away I have had so much support from my friends, espically Shell, C, D, M, S, L, S2 and S3. They have listened to my babble, my tears and my stories, I owe them so much, however they cant stop the tears the pain or the lonliness. 

I have had contact with AH and she confirmed that Grace died of a heart attack, this is some comfort as it means that there was nothing I could have done to save her. Today I was also told that I am not anle to attend the funeral. That sucks and I have cried over this, I'm still upset I will not be able to say goodbye to Grace's body but in someways Im pleased as they wont be burying Grace they will be burying the man that she used to be. This is something that the family need to do, so for me and her friends I will be organising a memorial service. I dont know all the details yet but I do know that it will be in Eastbourne as this is where Grace enjoyed her life. I am also going to be costructing a garden memorial so that I have somewhere close where I can feel close to my Gracey. 

I was so low yesterday that I self harmed, something that I haven't done for a good 5 weeks, I felt such an overwhelming sense of emotion and I did all I could to fight it, I cried, I wrapped my self up. I was glued to my computer but in the end I couldn't fight it any longer. I know this will upset a lot of people, but believe me dear reader it was the last thing I wanted to do. I hate doing it and it goes against the Wiccan rede 'And it harme none, do what ye will' that also includes hurting myself. 

I have also been lax in taking my medication, I am still taking it daily but I seem to have lost my routine and instead of taking it the same time each day Im taking it whenever. I dont know what effect this wil have on me, and I hope it wont have that much of an effect, Though I do know that missing a day makes me really ill.. Venafalaxine has a really nasty 'cold turkey' effect. 

I have lost intrest in tidying my house, I am not naturally a tidy person but I like clean, I can see dust and this is driving my OCD nuts but my CBA is really bad atm and I cant face cleaning, its like I dont have a purpose at the moment. 

I know that if Gracey saw me like this she would be so so disapointed in me, I have come so far, but I feel consumed by grief and depression, and at the moment I cant see a way out of it. It doesnt help that I cant get the image of grace laying on the floor out of my head. 

I want her back, I love her, I have lost my sparkle and no matter who hugz me it doesnt help. I dont believe in suicide as I see that as the cowards way out and Im not brave enough to kill myself, and I dont want my babies to be orphans, however I would be more than happy to go to sleep and never wake up again. I feel that the wrong person has died, it should have been me not Grace, she had things she was looking forward to, I have nothing to look forward to, Im struggling at college and really cant cope with it at the moment and I am unable to work, I am currently a drain on society and I hate it. 

Tears, fears and progress

For those that take a real close look at my blog it has been 3 days since I found G, I know this is going to take me a long time to get over, one reason is the fact that I found her, the other is coz I cared (and still do) about her.

I have tried as best as I can to carry on with my daily life but this hasnt been completly sucessful, Sunday night I had Bro and S3 staying over to make sure I was ok, this was a very nice thought, I coudn't face sleeping in my bed without G so slept on my sofa, I had spent the day crying on and off so was preparing myself for a very restless sleep, however as I lay on the sofa I closed my eyes and mentally spoke to G, I had a sudden wave of calm and felt very peaceful, I then fell into a peaceful sleep and didnt wake up once in the night, the weirdest thing was waking up at the exact time Monday as I found G on Sunday. 

My first job of the day was to put some washing on, I opened the machine and saw the towel they used to cover G, I sat on the floor and cried into it, I was like that for at least 15 minutes.

Monday I was determined not to stay at home and wallow in self pity, I still had to tidy up but couldnt face it, I needed to wash up the dinner things from Saturday night but as soon as I saw the glasses and plates on the side I burst into tears, G shouldn't have died and I was very angry. I asked Bro and S3 if they would mind washing up and drying up while I was out. I planned on getting the bus to Gosport but couldnt find my bus pass so I was lazy and got a cab. I had a hair appointment at 1pm, I had phoned up Amber to make an appt, it gave me something to look forward to and a reason to leave the house. 


I went passed the printing shop and arranged for a canvas to be made of the only picture I have of me and G, when I get it made I need to find somewhere to hang it...


After getting my hair washed and blowdried I didnt know what to do with myself, I wasnt ready for going home so I went for a walk into gosport. I went past Morrisons and the tears started to fall again, only Saturday we were walking through town smiling and laughing. I decided that I was going to go down to the duck ponds so I went and got a cheap loaf of bread to feed to the swans, The sun was shining but a little chilly but bread in hand I found a bench and was soon surronded in swans, seagulls and pigeons.... I started throwing the bread and thought it amusing watching the birds squabble. Some of the swans came out of the ponds and took the bread from my hands, tame birds but they have strong beaks... I got a few little nips...


Once the bread had all gone I thought it wise to make a swift exit as they looked like they wanted more!


Walking through town I really didnt know what to do, I browsed the shops and fought the tears... I spotted for the first time Gosport has a Costa, so one large latte to takeaway it was. G and I would often stop for a coffee, Costa being the favourite shop! I browsed the shops some more and went into the shoe shop and bought a pair of shoes ideal for college.


I then decided to sit down at the ferry, I listened to the water and the fountain drinking my coffee and smoking a fag, I then allowed the tears to come, one by one they rolled down my face, my heart broken I felt so lost and alone, My borrowed sim hadnt stopped ringing not bad considering only a few ppl had the number. 


I had organised to get a tribute tattoo done so went to the tattoo shop to find that the tattooist was a no show, pissed off and upset S2 agreed to come and take me home. 


Getting to next door I sat and cuddled G-bear, I had no tears left but was crying inside and got some lovely hugs from S2 and R :o)


S3 and bro were staying over again.. suited me as I really didnt want to be alone :o) we had a nice easy cook dinner of chip shop chips... bro was the go getter.. I tried to smile and think I managed it a few times too. Monday nite I slept on my sofa again, still not able to sleep in my bed. 


Tuesday I felt a little brighter and Me, S2 and S3 went to Fareham, I needed out of the house again and we had jobs to do.... not sure what they were but I think we just needed shopping....


We went into Craft crazy, I wanted some crystals to help my grieving, I said to the lady behind the counter that I was looking for some and I told her about G... she was shocked... we were only in there Sat buying stuff and having a laugh with the owners.... the nice lady picked me out a rose quartz and moonstone as a gift to help with my loss. 


The next stop was Pk's, I wanted another piercing, the one I had planned for Saturday and I got my dermal and chose a blue gem, it sits just above my pandora on my right wrist and let S3 get her tounge pierced to.... BOGOF is great :o)


Mooching around the shops we went here n there... looking in shops and at blue nose bears to add to my collection. We went into phone shop and I got a new phone nothing special and it was cheap but I now have my sim up and running and as AH has the temp number I need two running so I can hear about the funeral for G.


Speaking to S2 she had a word with her mate W and had arranged for my tattoo to be done for 8pm Tuesday, I was getting excited and couldnt wait for my lasting tribute to G.


G-bear had to come with me, good job W didnt mind really, tattoo came out better than I expected and I was over the moon. I love it and think it is more than fitting. 

Wednesday saw me not doing a lot, First thing in the morning I was super cheesed off as Lodger did a runner taking my rent money with him!! I couldnt believe my luck, after all the shit I have dealt with lately the thought of this was just another blow to me, as he had taken a few of my bits I called the police, I also know that he is wanted by the police and they have already knocked my door once looking for him.  Me and S3 did a massive tidy up and then I went into next door agian... they have been really good to me and provided me with a lot of support. Had a quick dive into Fareham but the stupid shops couldnt help me with what I was after, and I had to hobble as my foot was still quite sore and the skin very tight, but I had to show it off as I was very proud of it :)

One thing that hurts is that G used to love reading my Blog and knowing that she never will again is really sucky, 

Love U Gracey, miss you so so so much xXx

Final day

On Friday I was chatitng to G and she was awfully upset, saying she was missing her family and I, I tried my best to comfort her through MSN but at 3.15 she decided she wanted to comre and visit me- I was made up with this. When G arrived we had the biggest hugz ever (but gentle as she was suffering with a cold and had a bit of a chest)

I was having a few issues which was another reason for her visit.... I didn't care, I was seeing G :)

Saturday morning Lodger was surprised to see G but happy I think..... 

G liked to have a plan, we had half decided on a course of action for the day, a visit to Fareham shopping then Gosport, this plan went pair shaped when my Giro needed cashing at Gosport Post Office so that was our first port of call. As I was against the clock and had to get to the bank before they closed at 12 we did that and as we were both complaining of needing food we then went for an allday breakfast (veggie option for me). 

After being fed n watered a trip to bank number 2 was in order, waiting in the bank we bumped into S2 and S3, G mentioned that her chest was tight and had trouble breathing so the 3 of us forced her to sit down while I joined the very long queue.

After a trip to bank2 it was a trip to Argos, G looked peaky but refused to sit! then it was the pet shop, G insisted on carrying the Vax... it wasnt heavy but awkward when your having trouble breathing.

We got back to the car, blimey it felt like a trip n a half!!!! G was adamant she wanted to go to Fareham... she wanted her nails fixed!!!

Arriving at Fareham we finally found a parking space,, G was getting a bit annoyed.... cracked a bad joke that made me groan!!

First stop was a nail bar, dont ask me what its called but we sat next to each other as G had a tidy up and I had my infills done, G was finished b4 me and jokingly moaned that I was taking ages, as normal (well a girl cant rush these things) While I was getting my nails painted I looked over to see G haivng a snooze................ nuffin new there :)

I was able to introduce G to Craft Crazy, she liked the shop almost as much as I do :) G then did the moaning thing about having to walk 'all the way back to town' we did a slowly slowly walk as the cold air seemed to be affecting G's Breathing... my cue to take the mick out of G being so old  :D

We went to boots, both of us needing medicines, then it was time for a coffee, so a nice Mocha for me and a Hot Choc for G, we enjoyed ppl watching and talking nails, hair and general chit chat. 

A trip to MnS for a belt for G, it had to be a nice bright coourful one... naturally, and we browsed the shop a bit, at the cash desk they had some daffys on sale, I thought they looked pretty but G was like 'flowers should be growing not cut to die' 

As we left the shopping centre we came out to a guy packing up flowers and guess what he had.... pots of growing daffys. I was so excited, I said I wanted some and G insisted on paying the £2!!! I hated it, not only had she paid for the daffs, but my nails and the coffees too. 'You cant afford it' is her normal reply.

On the way home I requested a pit stop to Asda, shopping was needed, We had a nosey at the clothes and I found bras that were in my size (bonus points for Asda) 

We filled the trolley with the mundane food items and the important ones too... Ice-cream (mint choc chip ofc) and a bottle of tasty Rosé. G wanted to pay for the shopping and that was where I put my foot down... it was MY shopping and she was MY guest, so reluctantly G let me pay.

Back at my place we chilled a bit then I decided I had to set up the new caat sctracher and then we tackled assembeling my Vax... 2 hours later and a LOT of banter we had the thing together and plugged it in and.......... nothing it wasnt working!!!!! chek the plug, is the mains switched on yada yada, and after 5 mis of scratching our heads..... the plug wasnt in the socket proper!!!!!

What do we do now.... sit and recover from our DIY hee hee. we chat n chat about the past and make plans for Sunday..... then look at the time and order Indian.......

While we wait we chat some more and cuddle and the usual stuff, I decide I want it to be nice so set the table and light some candles, the telly hadnt been on so we had conversation to keep us going. Dinner was lovely, and the company better, we were getting through the wine pretty quick too :) 

After dinner we wanted to snuggle with a film so it was on with jammies and Pirates of the caribean, we chat a little and G told me how happy she was, and we were both grateful for a lovely day (it wa dampened by a few minors but thats another post!)

Halfway through the film we're both getting droopy so call it a nite, crawling into bed for snuggles we both wonder why we're feeling slightly more awake. The last thing I say to G is 'Love you' and she says it back. We fall asleep happy. 

I wake up at 4am G is not next to me, oh well she got up early, and is sipping tea at my puter (4am isnt unusual!) I go back to sleep and wake up at a more sensible time.... 6.30 ish, I do my usual sunday of stripping my bed, half way through I'm busting for a pee, so I go to the bathroom, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see..... G was lying face down on the floor..... thinking she had fallen I shake her, she was cold to touch and her face purple, I knew then..... I panic a little and go into auto pilot, I ring S2 and she doesnt answer so I go next door and ring the door bell till I get an answer, R opens the door, Its G I say, shes lying on my bathroom floor....

R comes with me to mine, I somehow manage to call 999.... not sure what im saying, R checks for a pulse, she's not breathing I say, she's cold and purple, can you move her onto her back they ask... no I say, its too late.... R goes n wakes S2 and she comes n herds me into hers, I need my meds is all I can muster and a lot of sobs. By the time I get out the door the ambulance is coming down the road. 


R talks to the paras and I drink a strong sugar filled coffee, The nice para comes n talks to me, asks me questions and stuff, I tell her all I can whilst shaking and smoking my 3rd fag (its only 7am) the para confirms that she has passed away, my mind is whizzing, I keep thinking if I got outa bed at 4 would it have been different??


I need to call someone and the first person that comes to mind who will talk to me is S, I text her asking her to call me 15 mins later I get a call back. I expalin it all to her and keep asking what do I do, I need to call AH (G's wife, they seperated when G's GID came to the fore in 2006) S being Miss Sensible says to wait for the police and get advise. It takes 45 mins for the police to arrive, they are to act as corroner and stuff. Police man (who was fit!) has to ask me questions, I answer them... I knew a lot about G I noticed! see G I did listen to ya!!!!!!


I ask about informing the family... Policeman says I can do it if I like, so around 8/9am I call AH and explain everything to her, my voice is shaking so much and I have no idea how I managed the call!!! AH is in shock (naturally) and I thought she was a little rude.... but hindsite tells me that was the shock of a stranger calling on her husband's phone saying she had just passed away and was on my bathroom floor.


Policeman has to wait until undertaker arrives so he asks about G and I manage to say all sorts of random babble S2 and S3 are with me and so is H ( you havnt met H yet) I look at my bookcase and notice G's Wig, she needs her hair on I say, she cant leave the house without her hair on!


Police man had never come across GID before so I tells him a bit and some how we manage a few laughs (dont you DARE think Im being disrespectful, G had a fabby GSOH and made a joke out of EVERYTHING so it seemed fitting. Undertakers arrive and are so so kind, I tell them about the wig and they say they will do what ever I want... can you bring her back?? I ask through the sobs, no they say sadly not.....


Police and undertaker follow me upstairs and allow me a few mins with G, I get to say bye, shout at her for all the fuss she has caused and tell her off for not waiting untill a sensible time to pass over.... My bathroom feels ever so cold and I touch G and she is like Ice. She looked so peaceful and Im sure she was smiling, I tell her that I love her so much and Im glad that she was able to hear it. I was unable to put her hair on so leave that for the undertakers. I go to my room with S2 to gather up G's valuables, policeman had to take them.... I also want to wait until they take her downstairs... I dont see her go into the car (a people carrier in blue) but I see the doors shut and I am able to wave goodbye and blow a kiss.

I'm wanting to be out of the house, it feels so cold, I grab my lappy, fags n mobile and go next door. I switch on the puter and feel that I have to share with FB that my sweetie has passed on. The morning and afternoon pass in a blur of messages, calls, tx's and IM chats. My friends are so supportive, and a lot of G's friends are hounding me for details, I tell them what I can. 

I get another call from AH, she was a lot nicer and said that her children will be down to collect G's things and her car... no problem for me, I would have had the car on my drive for ever if needed.


I spend the rest of the day on my lappy and going between my house and next door.... I drink so much coffee Im going to turn into a coffee bean and smoke so much my lungs will hate me in the morning.


G's children are really really nice, LH gives me a lovely hug and I hand over G's bits to her sons, I dont really know what to say except echo what G said to me last nite.....


As I write this I am still in shock, I have done all I can and now I just hope I will be welcome to G's funeral whenever it will be. I have have spent the whole day hugging Gbear and drinking coffe and peeing!!! G-bear didnt need bathroom trips!


I think of the happy months I had with G and I smile, I know she wouldnt want me to be upset, but all I want is hugz, but G hugz. I dont think anyone one really knew how much we meant to each other and how close we had become over the last 6 months.


I have a massive hole in my heart and feel sick and cant seem to stop bursting into tears!

I love you my sweetie and will never forger you, Sleep well and we will meet again sometime. I hope your spirit will watch over me and I can continue to make you proud, as I will never forget you saying to me that I made you proud :o) LOVE U MY SWEETIE xXx

Bitter sweet times

Sometimes like this moment the loneliness hits me hard, during the day I can cope with being alone, but as the day ends and it gets darker I get very lonely, Its the end of the working day and after being alone for 4 months I still expect someone to come in through the door and say hi. If I didn't have Facebook I think I would be in the nut nut house by now, my FB friends are defiantly a life line for me. I don't seem to have many friends locally, which at the moment is a good thing as I don't have the money to socialise. 

And due to my panics I am more than happy to sit on my sofa netbook on my lap and chat to my friends, G, C,D and M are my favourites to chat to, I feel that I have known these ladies for years. I love to chat to S too but she is never on line to chat which is a shame but I'm guessing is also a blessing as we would most probably chat for hours. I do wish that I saw more of her, but I guess the next time I see S will be at her smurfday party in April.

I have a lot of hobbies but I cant seem to find the motivation to do them, Scrapbooking is expensive and I am low on supplies and my poor Bass (powerpuff) hasn't been played in months, I have thought about selling her but I can not bring myself to do so.

Yesterday C and I were chatting via a FB thread about AD&D and it brought a lot of happy memories back to the fore, good  times playing with E, I miss them days and it made me realise again what I have thrown away and of my impending divorce, which I still don't want. This made me feel very lonely and very guilty for all the pain I have caused people.


A very sad moment for me was cooking my dinner, cooking for one is no fun, although on a positive I loved doing the washing up, it took no time at all :o)


My babies, especially Cleo have picked up on my low mood, Cleo is doing her best to cheer me up, to the point where she tries to help me surf the Internet and write my blog.  I am most definitely the crazy cat lady and that is a label I am more than happy to have :o)

 

Anxiety and panic

No where near my idea of fun is going to the QA hossy for a colposcopy exam, I was more than anxious about it but I knew it had to be done, mainly for my own piece of mind. S2 had offered to take me, it just meant me paying diesel, and I'm glad we filled up in Asda!! on the way to the hospital I was relatively quiet and my stress teddy took a few squishes I can tell you!!

Arriving at QA I became more anxious and was starting to feel sick, the lift made me feel even more sick and walking down the corridor felt like I was going to the block. The gynecology department is quite small and there was only a couple of people in the waiting room, which made me feel better. S2 got me a glass of water so that I could take my PRN meds, I took a double dose as I was feeling that anxious. As we were sitting in the waiting room, I said to S2 'I hope that its a woman doctor' S2 then went to the receptionist and asked if it was a female doctor, the receptionist then confirmed that it was a MALE doctor, I then freaked, the thought of having a male doctor filled me with so much panic. S3 told the receptionist that I couldn't go through with it, the receptionist then did some computer stuff and for me to see a female doctor meant re scheduling, at this point I was ready to cry, It was hard enough getting in the car for this appointment. The nurse came out to get me, and the receptionist told her that I had to cancel. 

At this point I decided I had to do something, I had spent 3 days preparing myself for the examination, I asked if I  could meet the doctor and if I still couldn't go through with it I would say so, with panic teddy in my hands I went into the room, I was talked through the exam and heart pounding and trying to control my breathing I agreed to the exam. I was given a sheet to cover myself up and had to strip from the waist down, With paddy (panic teddy) in hand I sat in the chair. ready for the exam. The doctor spoke to me about everything he was doing. The nurse was really nice and asked me questions, mainly to distract me I think. We  talked about college and my  babies. A good way to take my mind off things. 

I wont go into details but the exam was uncomfortable and despite having the sheet I was feeling as if everything was on show. The doctor then told me I had some growths and I will need to have a minor operation to have them removed. I asked how long I would have to wait and the doctor told me he could give me the date there and then. 

After the exam I felt weird, I was still feeling anxious, its a weird feeling that takes time to go. On the way home S2 suggested we stop off at Tesco, suited me, I needed a drink as my mouth was extremely dry. S2 also got me a blue nose bear (spin off of the tatty teddy) that cheered me up no end :)

I got home and had to speak to G to let her know how it went, I was still feeling the aftershocks of the anxiety, I don't know how to describe it, but I had the odd heart palpitations and I was still getting the pangs in my chest. As I write this I still cant believe I was able to go through with it, but I now have to gear myself up for the operation, but I guess I wont really believe it till I get the letter from the Hospital. 

In other mundane news; I was able to go for my ESA (Employment and Support Allowance) medical.. I had to take double dosage of my PRN again and I was really panicky about the whole thing, I was worried that if it didn't go well then I would loose the small amount of benefit that I get each week. I think it went as well as expected and all I have to do now is wait for the result and try not to think about it as that will just stress me out even more!!!

Well dear reader thank you for listening to the mundane, maybe one day I will be able to blog about something interesting!!!!

Bump back to reality

Coming back home meant coming back to reality. After a stress free week where I tried hard not to think about any stresses, I knew that going home I will have to face a lot of crap. However a couple of nice things to come home to were a nice hugz from bro and a nice welcome from my babies, I think its safe to say I was missed :o). The flowers that Shell had sent were open and I was able to enjoy them at their best....

 And I hope dear reader you agree that they are truly beautiful. Flowers aside I said bye to G, bro and M on Sunday and then spent the day scrubbing My house, Bro baby sat and left the house tidy ish but it wasn't clean so I scrubbed and scrubbed, even having to clean the front of cupboards as they were covered in food. This gave me a sense of achievement and gave me some time to not have to think about things, I was able to take some frustrations out on the house and there is something good about the house being clean and fresh. I am quite house proud, however I am a little lazy, I hope that I can keep this up as I worked really hard on well everywhere!!

Monday saw me having to face a lot of shit, I replied to some emails I had been putting off, and I sat down and went through all my paperwork, having a bit of a spring clean, I was able to get rid of papers no longer needed and then I sat down and piled up all my debts. Rather than just pile them up I sat and created a spreadsheet and a monthly budget. This was thoroughly boring and quite scary as I knew I had a lot of debt but I never knew how much. All of this debt was drawn up mainly during hyper states, I didn't care that I had no money, I needed stuff, and this created debt  which I then chose  to ignore and  this resulted in depressive states. 

I have tried several times to face the debt and have been sucked into these debt management plans, the companies have taken money off me to pay my creditors but the debts themselves we're not going anywhere. I have tried debt consolidation and found someone who would give me a loan but I had to pay an admin charge, which I paid only to find that they were a broker and would recommend me to companies who would give me a loan, only to find I'm so far into the red none of these companies will touch me :(

I Live on benefit as I am unable to work and all the money I get goes on day to day living, I cant even afford to pay my water rates half the time and am now in debt with the water company.... However creating a budget has shown me that if I decrease my food budget I can pay the water company so beans on toast it is for a few months!!

Dear reader before you throw suggestions at me I have already been to the CAB for advice and they have suggested bankruptcy, I have  started the ball rolling, the problem with going bankrupt is that it costs £600. I have a very kind friend who has given me some money toward this and I  have another appointment with the CAB to double check there is no other option  for me. The main problem I have is my old flat, which I still own as PHA have not yet finalised the sale, as you can imagine I am unable to pay the mortgage, so I have debt there. so this has a re-possession order on it and I now have to wait...

On top of all these money worries I have a lot of so called friends who think they are able to walk all over me, I am a nice person and I try my best to be a good and loyal friend. However people think they are able to walk over me, taking advantage of my vulnerable state. Well dear reader they are in for a shock as Taz bites hard, I don't hold a grudge but if I get stung I fight back.