Some crap I need to off load!

I dont know how much I will divulge here but I think I will just type and see where it goes.... Most people think I have it together and Im coping well as Im loud, outgoing bubbly and all that stuff. But inside Im broken, just like my family. My Dad, step mom and baby bro live in London which is only 80 miles from me but I miss them so very much. My lil bro Dan lives in woking which is 70 Miles away and I miss him everyday. My biological egg donor Pauline lives 2 miles away from me and I havent spoken to her in 12 years! and I dont miss her one Iota... well I miss my mom of old but she died a long time ago, she is gone and Ive done the mourning for that. Pauline lives with Lou. She wants me in her life but all the while HE is alive I want nothing to do with her... HE is the one that broke my family, HE ripped us from my Daddy and all the good times. HE is the one that waiting and prayed for my nan to die HE was the one that made us loose contact with ALL my family. HE was the one who wouldnt allow me any friends. HE is the one that made me HATE Dan growing up and HE was the one who groomed and sexually abused me for 6 years. While the sexual abuse was going on Pauline knew about it and did nothing, SHE turned on me, her own daughter and SHE played with my mind. I was made to think I was bad, naughty and she would shout at me, scream at me and occasionally hit me. SHE is mentally retarded with the mind of a 12 year old, she didnt have the mental capacity to look after me or protect me and HE knew this, HE knew that we were a family HE could control. Even at the age of 11 I would fight back, protecting my brother from everyone except myself. I would 'play' games with him that would end with him getting hurt, I would make him cry and brake his toys. I am so ashamed of how I treated my lil bro but I was a child I remind myself.... I knew nothing else as all the love in the house had gone.

I tried to hide at school, being bright and bubbly and outgoing, I wasnt popular or in the in-crowd but I was popular with my friends and fiercly defensive. I was a freak, I wore old fashioned clothes, I ddnt wear make up and I was a scruff bag... by the time I knew how to look after myself it was no good, I was given the label of skank and some people would avoid me!

I begun to self harm at the age of 11 I think, not cutting but I would neglect myself, washing only when necessary... I was scared to have a bath or shower as I always had a visitor to 'wash my back' and other places. I was given a lock on my bedroom door 'to keep Pauline out' so I could do my school work and I would lock HIM out but he would shout at me, how DARE I keep him out... If I locked him out he couldnt get to me and he didnt like it... HE needed to control me, but I tried to fight. HE tried to stop the contact with my Daddy and for 3 years or so I didnt see him, I had letters that were sent Via a solicitor, I felt violated, someone had read them before I got the chance to. I so wish I still had them letters as I kept them safe and would look at them often. My daddy told me he loved me and I longed for them words.....

I was allowed friends but not allowed to get close to them.. if I was seen to be getting close to someone I was banned from seeing them, I guess HE was afraid of the secrets coming out and loosing control. 

At the Age of 15something in me snapped, Id lied and told peple everything at home was ok, Id hidden away and had learnt to depend on myself. I told some of my secrets to a friend and she helped me escape... The police and social services became involved and I was finally free... I was put into care, and for the first time in a long time I was able to smile and mean it.... Inside I still kept a lot hidden, some of it because I was ashamed, some because I had blocked it out and had no memory of it. My case went to court and HE was sent to prison, a small amount of justice for what HE had done to me and my family. My dad and step mom stuck by me and came to court, supprorting me and loving me as best as I would let them. SHE took his side and called me a liar and a whore.. SHE blamed me and SHE still does. 

I was worried about Dan, I didnt want him being subject to abuse and I felt powerless. Before the court case Dan was finally put into care and safe from the environment. I was happier and I was finally able to see my brother. I loved him dearly and as his big sister I had to protect him. 

I did my GCSE's and came out with pretty good grades, I went to 6th Form and came out with 3 C's at A-level... despite the odds I felt I had achieved something, It wasnt really what I wanted to do but I was able to stick two fingers up at HIM and say 'Huh, u didnt fully brake me' By this time I was drinking heavily, blotting out the pain I was feeling, I had no self worth and was throwing my self at everyone. I dont know when I first cut but it felt good. It was a release for me. I didnt do it often and always blamed my cat.. Cleo and I were close, she was my baby and no matter how bad I was or how head fucked I was Cleo was there to let me fuss her and purring. When I was with Cleo I felt happy, I could tell her some of my fears, but to be honest I didnt know what I was scared of... I was dead inside and full of so much hate and anger.

Because on the outside I was bright and breezy no one knew I was crying and asking for help. No one thought to sit down with me and see how I was really feeling..... I tried counselling but it was useless, I couldnt open up, I was scared of what I would find, so I suffered in silence. I carried on drinking and hoping I would die. Then I met Ian, he showed me love and support. I was shown life could be good so I stopped the drinking, talked to him a bit and stuffed all the horrible stuff in pandoras box and forgot about it. 

I was reasonably happy, I was still depressed and had more counsilling and more meds.. I was on and off Ad's more often than I care to think about. I drifted through life, mundane jobs, friends and the odd party. Drink was still my enemy, when I drank I would drink and drink and drink... as I still felt pain. I would write in my journal but not what I wanted to as I feared it would be read. I got a job in finance, nothing special, it was boring dull and high pressured.... this job caused me to snap. Pandoras box flew open and I was over whelmed with emotion, years of pain came gushing out. I was screaming for help, broke down and attacked my arms with a razor.... Memories came flooding back and the voices were getting louder and louder untill they were screams in my head. I couldnt stop it so I cut and cut and cut... the blood ran warm and I felt as if years of pain and dirt was leaving my body.

The doctors uped my medication and referred me to the MHT but I had to wait and wait and wait... I was told I was most likely bi-polar as my moods were up and down... I sunk into a deep depression, I no longer wanted my husband (Ian and I married in 2008) I couldnt bare him touching me, even a stroke of the arm. but strangely I craved hugs as when he hugged me I felt safe. I found comfort in winnie the pooh, during an episode pooh and friends would calm me down, I had pooh music on my fone and would have it on a loop.. I would cuddle my pooh bear and wrap up as tight as I could in a blanket. This is something I still do and have to take pooh to bed and snuggle up with pooh.

By the time it was finally my turn to see the CMHT I had left Ian, I was in a realtionship with a transexual, I was happier as I was no longer stifled, As wonderful as Ian was there was an element of control, I couldnt go out without a million calls and texts and had to do a deep account of what Id been up too when I got home.

Damion/Amber was a massive support, forcing me to do things that were just outside my comfort zone such as going to the shop. Unlike Ian, Amber would not let me wallow and gave me the incentive to fight these deamons.....  I did a nail course and became a nail tech, I was working in Ambers Salon and despite the horrendous panic attacks I loved it.... I found new friends and re-connected with old ones, I always said Id never like Salon life... but I proved myself wrong... September 2010 I started at college to train to be a hairdresser, I loved college and made friends. there were pressures tho and I had to transfer classes and had 3 months off college.. I was gonna give up but I was pushed by college to finish the first year, I was told I wouldnt be able to do the 2nd year but by the time I went back I was hungry for more, I did extra classes to catch up and saw the nurse at college regularly for my MH... I was overjoyed when I was told I could go back for my 2nd year!!!!

Amber and I split up as I pushed her away and couldnt handle a realtionship... May 2011 saw me and Gemma get together, I have no idea where we will end up but at the moment I am pretty settled. I am still at college and loving it more than ever. My medication is stable and I have more hypers than depressive states. When it all gets to much I still cut as this is a release. I still feel pain and I still have flashbacks but I feel in control more now than I ever did, I am actually starting to plan MY future... I want to do my level 3 hairdressing and have already applied for this. I have a HOME a proper HOME which is HOME and Im making it such. I have my beautiful babies (pets) and Cleo is still here, holding my paw through the good and bad.

I smoke a lot, addiction is the main one here but also I smoke a lot to harm myself.... 

My biggest fear is that my medication just numbs me and once they start to reduce the dosage because I seem 'cured' will I go back down hill... will everything come flooding back and will I end up breaking down again... Since 2009 I have done so much work on myself and it has been the roughest road I have ever walked but I am starting to see the sunshine and for the first time in my life I feel happy and that I am worth something. 

I guess this is a happy ending but for me I dont think there will ever be an end, I will always battle my demons but I am determined to win the war.. I may loose a few battles along the way but Im determined to not let HIM win... I was a broken child from a broken home but I am determined to not be a broken adult... just chipped and cracked....

Hitting rock bottom

I've not blogged in a while, had some intresting things to post but never seemed to get round to it! right now things couldnt be much worse....
1) Housemate looses her job
2) the Bug we acquired is deader than dead
3) there is a possibility that we are going to be homeless..... let me explain...... when I first moved to where I am now the HB was paid direct to me, this went direct into my bank account, this meant it was swallowed up by direct debits b4 I could pay it on, then HB  was getting paid at too high a rate so HB was lowered to cover the pay back and I had to make up the difference, this was too high a rate for me to afford, despite me saying this the Housing assossiation took it to court and I was ordered to pay £3 something per week plus the shortfall, for a weekly payment this was still too much but I paid what I could afford. In June my HB was suspended as some berk who I don't even know decided to tell HB that I was working full time and that I had lodgers.... I didn't have either of these factors... HB then decided to look right back over my claim and my old flat was mentioned AGAIN!!! it was meant to have been sold to the HA as part of the rowner renewal project but in the end the bank re-possessed it as there was no way I could pay the mortgage. After speaking to HB yesterday they finally told me they want to see a statement of sale (which doesn't exist as it was re-possessed and not sold) despite telling them this they are adamant they can not process my claim until they have said statement. Due to the HB not being paid this has added to the arrears and now the HA have applied to court for us to be evicted..... this is meant to happen on the 6th September (Tuesday) unless we come up with the £1670 they are asking for... this is not going to happen as we don't have this kind of money, So I have to apply for a suspension of eviction... this I am to do on Monday and then to wait for a hearing date. Friends and family have been ever so good sending good wishes and offering mountains of advice and support.


This as you could imagine is playing havoc with my MH.... yesterday I slept a lot and was rather hot all day. Eating only enough to make sure I had food in my belly and also ended up self harming!! I have so many things to write down to take to the court when we have a hearing that I don't know where to start.... Due to my MH if we are made homeless I should be housed as the council have a duty of care... this does nothing for me really as I will be lifted from my home, without my babies and all alone! Whether Gemma can come with me is  something I don't know. As a precaution I am trying to find foster homes for them but as of yet no helpers for these beautiful cats. 


On top of all this shit Gemma had her bank card frauded so that has been stopped 


Seeing all this stuff listed it doesnt seem possible that it can happen to one household but believe me dear reader this is how it is and I doubt things will get any easier in time!!!!