Diverting a little bit... went to college today, I was too scared to go in for todays pracical lesson but I did attend the theory class and it was very productive.....
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Flashbacks and memories
One of the downsides to being a borderline is flashbacks and such. It is a horrid experiance, its like watching a video of myself being abused, a bit like being an outsider. Anything can bring them on, sound, smell, familar surroundings and memories. Last night in the bath I realised it has been months since I had a flashback. I think this is partly because I have once again shut the past away, because I havn't dealt with it properly I expect intime it will rear its ugly head again.. usually happens. Also my meds are so much more settled now its great, I seem to be having fewer and fewer bad days atm, and the last time I self harmed was a week ago and only did one small cut before I stopped. I also seem to be in much more control of myself. But I think a lot of that is due to the forced shutting it away!!
Diverting a little bit... went to college today, I was too scared to go in for todays pracical lesson but I did attend the theory class and it was very productive.....
Diverting a little bit... went to college today, I was too scared to go in for todays pracical lesson but I did attend the theory class and it was very productive.....
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Spring Sunshine
Like many I have been enjoying the sunshine, I have spent time in the garden and on Friday evening I went for a brief bike ride. I guess its a minor achievement going out alone riding but Ive not really thought about it. Saturday I went to town, got my fringe made yellow and got some salad and fruit. Sat down the ferry gardens again this time munching a sammich and watching the young families, for a few minutes I wished that was me then a kiddy crying reminded me why I prefer cats!!
Im not a very patient person so dont really like the idea of the 'I want this' being thrown at me. besides Cats dont want gadgets, just a bit of string and some pilchards and they are happy :)
Spent some time chatting with an old school friend today, was lovely.. cept I was in the garen and I burnt and came out in millions of freckers.. Id make a good dot to dot ha!
My house is pretty tidy cept my bedroom... but I dont mind too much wont take me long to sort it.. when I can be bothered... I'm sure I will have a mad OCD moment and gut it like I have the rest of the house!!!
Pampering day tomorrow I think, I need it LOL!!!!!!!!
Im not a very patient person so dont really like the idea of the 'I want this' being thrown at me. besides Cats dont want gadgets, just a bit of string and some pilchards and they are happy :)
Spent some time chatting with an old school friend today, was lovely.. cept I was in the garen and I burnt and came out in millions of freckers.. Id make a good dot to dot ha!
My house is pretty tidy cept my bedroom... but I dont mind too much wont take me long to sort it.. when I can be bothered... I'm sure I will have a mad OCD moment and gut it like I have the rest of the house!!!
Pampering day tomorrow I think, I need it LOL!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Hyperness and results
The last couple of days I have been on a 'Hyper' you most probably think this is a good thing as Im not depressed and crying, but its actually quite the oposite, it can be quite destructive and be more dangerous in the long run. When I feel hyper I am so bouncy its almost unberable.. I find conversation difficult as I have very little concentration and have a tendancy to babble uncontroably. I also feel invincable in that nothing can harm me and go around almost blinkered, I can see the result and aim for nothing else. Good if Im working on a project, not so good if I am in town, I dont notice the world around me and do silly things like walk into people! Another downside to a hyper is lack of sleep. I went to bed at half 11 last night and was awake at 3am, by 3.30am I was eating breakfast. At 5.20am I was ready for my bed. Thinking I would get a good few hours in I was well up for it. However by 7am I was wide awake and full of energy.
Today I thought Id use my hyper to my advantage, I needed to go to Gosport to do some chores and things. I needed to drop A's dyson at her salon and give her some money and for her to do my fringe. I was really pleased to see her and as she was really quiet due to the Easter holidays I stuck around for a bit, had a squash and we had a good ole natter in the sunshine. I then needed to do a few things so walked into town and did what I needed to, pet shop, bank and Argos. I then walked through town and practically ignored all the people and market stalls. Though I did notice a young kiddie almost cycling into me!!
Food was the main thought at this point and I looked into all the café's and they were all heaving. I boycotted Macy D's and ended up at the ferry chippy. With chips in hand I went and found a patch of grass at the ferry gardens and sat. I only managed half of my (small) portion and fed the rest to the Gulls. I had noticed the tulips and took in my surroundings listening to the kids playing, I did get annoyed at times when some of them came a little too close for my liking. While I was watching the world go by I realised I was sitting down at the ferry and had walked through Gosport town and had not had a single inkling of a panic attack. This I could see as progress, a big step forward in the direction of positives... but I have been taking extra calm me down meds lately.
I came home and felt really good, though very tired. Even now Im flagging slighty however I know Im in for a rough night and I fancy waking up at a sensible time so later to bed it is.
Today I thought Id use my hyper to my advantage, I needed to go to Gosport to do some chores and things. I needed to drop A's dyson at her salon and give her some money and for her to do my fringe. I was really pleased to see her and as she was really quiet due to the Easter holidays I stuck around for a bit, had a squash and we had a good ole natter in the sunshine. I then needed to do a few things so walked into town and did what I needed to, pet shop, bank and Argos. I then walked through town and practically ignored all the people and market stalls. Though I did notice a young kiddie almost cycling into me!!
Food was the main thought at this point and I looked into all the café's and they were all heaving. I boycotted Macy D's and ended up at the ferry chippy. With chips in hand I went and found a patch of grass at the ferry gardens and sat. I only managed half of my (small) portion and fed the rest to the Gulls. I had noticed the tulips and took in my surroundings listening to the kids playing, I did get annoyed at times when some of them came a little too close for my liking. While I was watching the world go by I realised I was sitting down at the ferry and had walked through Gosport town and had not had a single inkling of a panic attack. This I could see as progress, a big step forward in the direction of positives... but I have been taking extra calm me down meds lately.
I came home and felt really good, though very tired. Even now Im flagging slighty however I know Im in for a rough night and I fancy waking up at a sensible time so later to bed it is.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
For Gracey
Memorial Day dawned and I felt a mix of emotions, I was full of dread as it was my time to say good bye to Gracey, however I was happy as it was a celebration of her Life, I was also eager to FINLLY meet some new friends.
I had plenty of time to do not a lot so skipping breakfast ( I really didnt feel like eating) I went for a wander around Hailsham, there isnt much to see but its a quaint little village and the Corn Exchange a very nice Pub/Restaurant/Club and BnB. The place is like a tardis, it really is HUGE!!!
I wandered around and found a florist, I had already decided on getting a single red rose to place next to a picture of Grace in the church, however the Florist didnt have any roses except pink and I didnt like the Idea of pink so I got a single stem of White Stargazer Lilies. My favourite flower and I thought this was more personal. The nice lady wrapped the 4 flower stem in cellaphane and asked if I wanted white ribbon. Nah it HAD to be blue *giggles*
So with the strong scent of lily following me down the Road I went back to the CE for a Latté before getting ready for the service. I took my drink and lily to a table and I seemed to stink the pub out hahahaha.
after that I had plenty of time to Shower and put a face on. I knew that I had to look my best, if I didnt Gracey would have frowned down on me no end! My blue dress that I had brought special was still in the plastic baggy thing that they put clothes in and all neat and tidy, I put the shoes on and decided that after last weeks antics the cuts (YES P.. I said CUTS!!!) on my feet were not going to like the stilettos so I decided on flats. I had my faithful lappy with me so while I was getting ready I was blasting out some of my faveourite tunes, I was determined to find my happy place.
I met L and we wandered to the church, we were early but one of the last to arrive. I was able to have a chat with the reverand, hand over the CD and find a place for the picture and lilys.
I sat in front of S&T and handed out the order of service, S had an inkling she would be speaking but Id not had the chance for a confirmation on that one so left it as a surprise. I was able to have a chat with people I knew via forums and FB but had never met.. so many to list. The Rev. then started the service with a welcome and then played Adagio for strings the opening music. This gave people the chance to listen to a lovely piece of music and this was important to me as Gracey had said she wanted it played at her funeral so I obeyed her one last time.
Then the Rev. gave his religious spiel, for people who know me know that I am Pagan and proud and DONT do church. Gracey wasnt really religious, saying she went to church to make friends and improve her singing voice, and as she was a regular at St. Mary's it was an appriopriate place. I was surprised to hear that Grace used to sit near the back of the church tho, she wasnt the sort to stay in the background.
After the opening Verse it was time for a bit of singing, so along with the bagpipe version of Amazing Grace people mumbled the words. Surprisingly this was the part that had most people crying!!!!
Then on cue was S to read a poem and a few words as requested by a doner. The Poem gave me a lump in my throat, I had read it several times but that did not stop the emotions.
L2 then read a piece of writing done by Lo, this was a rather witty piece of writing and caused a few giggles which was the intention. The piece summed up Grace as she was, I was given a copy of the words and they will go into a memorial box with everything else.
It was then my turn... I had my speech all planned and everything but I lost my words so made it up as I went along. I kept looking at people and saw a few red eyes and had trouble keeping composed, though I did it :)
The Rev. then did final prayers and stuff and then it was time to Play the final music 'I'll be missing you' by Puff Daddy and Faith Evans... This I think surprised everyone but I did notice that people were bopping along, which was nice to see :)
We then spent some time milling around and it was nice to see so many people there for Grace, around 50 in total I think. Neighbours, friends and church goers, no family but then I didn invite them... they would not have been welcome so nerrrr
Half of us went back to the Corn Exchange for nibbles and more getting to know each other, it was really nice, we nattered, shared memories and ate nibbles :) Some of the laydez had come from all over IOW, Oxford, Kent and Sussex, was really nice to see people who had travelled. If I could get such a vast array of people willing to travel when Im sent off to the other world I'd be a happy bunny indeed :o)
I had plenty of time to do not a lot so skipping breakfast ( I really didnt feel like eating) I went for a wander around Hailsham, there isnt much to see but its a quaint little village and the Corn Exchange a very nice Pub/Restaurant/Club and BnB. The place is like a tardis, it really is HUGE!!!
I wandered around and found a florist, I had already decided on getting a single red rose to place next to a picture of Grace in the church, however the Florist didnt have any roses except pink and I didnt like the Idea of pink so I got a single stem of White Stargazer Lilies. My favourite flower and I thought this was more personal. The nice lady wrapped the 4 flower stem in cellaphane and asked if I wanted white ribbon. Nah it HAD to be blue *giggles*
So with the strong scent of lily following me down the Road I went back to the CE for a Latté before getting ready for the service. I took my drink and lily to a table and I seemed to stink the pub out hahahaha.
after that I had plenty of time to Shower and put a face on. I knew that I had to look my best, if I didnt Gracey would have frowned down on me no end! My blue dress that I had brought special was still in the plastic baggy thing that they put clothes in and all neat and tidy, I put the shoes on and decided that after last weeks antics the cuts (YES P.. I said CUTS!!!) on my feet were not going to like the stilettos so I decided on flats. I had my faithful lappy with me so while I was getting ready I was blasting out some of my faveourite tunes, I was determined to find my happy place.
I met L and we wandered to the church, we were early but one of the last to arrive. I was able to have a chat with the reverand, hand over the CD and find a place for the picture and lilys.
I sat in front of S&T and handed out the order of service, S had an inkling she would be speaking but Id not had the chance for a confirmation on that one so left it as a surprise. I was able to have a chat with people I knew via forums and FB but had never met.. so many to list. The Rev. then started the service with a welcome and then played Adagio for strings the opening music. This gave people the chance to listen to a lovely piece of music and this was important to me as Gracey had said she wanted it played at her funeral so I obeyed her one last time.
Then the Rev. gave his religious spiel, for people who know me know that I am Pagan and proud and DONT do church. Gracey wasnt really religious, saying she went to church to make friends and improve her singing voice, and as she was a regular at St. Mary's it was an appriopriate place. I was surprised to hear that Grace used to sit near the back of the church tho, she wasnt the sort to stay in the background.
After the opening Verse it was time for a bit of singing, so along with the bagpipe version of Amazing Grace people mumbled the words. Surprisingly this was the part that had most people crying!!!!
Then on cue was S to read a poem and a few words as requested by a doner. The Poem gave me a lump in my throat, I had read it several times but that did not stop the emotions.
L2 then read a piece of writing done by Lo, this was a rather witty piece of writing and caused a few giggles which was the intention. The piece summed up Grace as she was, I was given a copy of the words and they will go into a memorial box with everything else.
It was then my turn... I had my speech all planned and everything but I lost my words so made it up as I went along. I kept looking at people and saw a few red eyes and had trouble keeping composed, though I did it :)
The Rev. then did final prayers and stuff and then it was time to Play the final music 'I'll be missing you' by Puff Daddy and Faith Evans... This I think surprised everyone but I did notice that people were bopping along, which was nice to see :)
We then spent some time milling around and it was nice to see so many people there for Grace, around 50 in total I think. Neighbours, friends and church goers, no family but then I didn invite them... they would not have been welcome so nerrrr
Half of us went back to the Corn Exchange for nibbles and more getting to know each other, it was really nice, we nattered, shared memories and ate nibbles :) Some of the laydez had come from all over IOW, Oxford, Kent and Sussex, was really nice to see people who had travelled. If I could get such a vast array of people willing to travel when Im sent off to the other world I'd be a happy bunny indeed :o)
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Meeting faces
I will try my best to keep this short.....
Today was travel day to Hailsham, I wanted to get here early as I know I need to set my mind set! My fb friend Mel, I dont think she will mind me naming her... (it gets confusing using initals!) Mel is currently sitting in the Nuffield after having some surgery, knowing that she is from the North and knowing that Gracey would have visited her I knew I needed to. Considering she had surgery on Tuesday she was full of bubbles. It was really nice to actually put a phyical presence to a virtual person (chats over Skype and FB are not uncommon)
Mel chatted away happily and we (T2 met me at the train station) were there for over an hour, I hope that Mel and I can continue our friendship as she is deffo loopy enough to be in Taz world.
After the hospital T2 dropped me into Hailsham so I could check into my room and dump my bags. On my way out I got chatting to some random half drunk girl about my hair, Its nice she says, I know I say I wanted it this way, its also orange she says, yep I wanted it that colour. It looks funky she says, Yep I wanted it that way! Do you think I can pull off orange she asks, If you want orange go for it I say, you only live once!
I aventually manage to shake her off and rejoin T2. Her and L have invited me to their place for dinner, we chat about all sorts and I am presented with a help your self salad. L lays the table and brings out real crysatal glasses. I kinda feel embarrassed, Im a Taz not the Queen. T2 tells me that L likes to entertain and I must admit it was really really nice. I was made to feel extremly welcome. Even Sunny the cat came and sat on my lap and purred for England!!
OOOH I have to mention dessert, it was in these little dish things and was home grown blueberries, yoghurt, pecans and jelly tots. Politelly I ate the jelly tots (they are not a veggie food) and the blueberries were more than yummy!!!! I was well watered too with wine and coffee, L offered me coffee at about 10pm but a combination of trains and wine left me feeling very droopy so asked if T2 would be able to run me back to the Corn Exchange.
SO here I am sitting on my temporary bed listening to the noise of tonights revellers. I would go down to the bar but Im not feeling brave enough to at the moment. I am really feeling the memorial at the moment, at this moment in time I want to get it over and done with. There is nothing more I can do apart from hug bunny (a pressie from Grace in Feb) G-bear is a bit big so I left him at home, along with pooh bear who normally travels with me.
Thats enough for now, I expect you are fed up of my dulcet tones hahahahaha
Today was travel day to Hailsham, I wanted to get here early as I know I need to set my mind set! My fb friend Mel, I dont think she will mind me naming her... (it gets confusing using initals!) Mel is currently sitting in the Nuffield after having some surgery, knowing that she is from the North and knowing that Gracey would have visited her I knew I needed to. Considering she had surgery on Tuesday she was full of bubbles. It was really nice to actually put a phyical presence to a virtual person (chats over Skype and FB are not uncommon)
Mel chatted away happily and we (T2 met me at the train station) were there for over an hour, I hope that Mel and I can continue our friendship as she is deffo loopy enough to be in Taz world.
After the hospital T2 dropped me into Hailsham so I could check into my room and dump my bags. On my way out I got chatting to some random half drunk girl about my hair, Its nice she says, I know I say I wanted it this way, its also orange she says, yep I wanted it that colour. It looks funky she says, Yep I wanted it that way! Do you think I can pull off orange she asks, If you want orange go for it I say, you only live once!
I aventually manage to shake her off and rejoin T2. Her and L have invited me to their place for dinner, we chat about all sorts and I am presented with a help your self salad. L lays the table and brings out real crysatal glasses. I kinda feel embarrassed, Im a Taz not the Queen. T2 tells me that L likes to entertain and I must admit it was really really nice. I was made to feel extremly welcome. Even Sunny the cat came and sat on my lap and purred for England!!
OOOH I have to mention dessert, it was in these little dish things and was home grown blueberries, yoghurt, pecans and jelly tots. Politelly I ate the jelly tots (they are not a veggie food) and the blueberries were more than yummy!!!! I was well watered too with wine and coffee, L offered me coffee at about 10pm but a combination of trains and wine left me feeling very droopy so asked if T2 would be able to run me back to the Corn Exchange.
SO here I am sitting on my temporary bed listening to the noise of tonights revellers. I would go down to the bar but Im not feeling brave enough to at the moment. I am really feeling the memorial at the moment, at this moment in time I want to get it over and done with. There is nothing more I can do apart from hug bunny (a pressie from Grace in Feb) G-bear is a bit big so I left him at home, along with pooh bear who normally travels with me.
Thats enough for now, I expect you are fed up of my dulcet tones hahahahaha
Friday, 15 April 2011
Facing the facts
I have this nasty habit of over analysing stuff, the biggest one is my illness... I know I have mentioned it more than once. I am in debate with myself if it IS an illness or just mental health issues.. most ppl dont see BPD as an illness, but I tell ya its a shitty way of life, so what makes me borderline?? well let me explain....
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (1994) identifies those with BPD as having:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
I try and implement what I have learned at therapy but its not easy, its bloody hard work, and takes a lot of energy.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (1994) identifies those with BPD as having:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment Yup I feel this a lot.. I often feel abandoned when ppl dont speak to me for a while, or even worse. I try and rescue broken friend ships and they dont want to know. When I am on a really bad day I feel very alone and friendless
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting." This is a hard one to deal with, I often feel a lot of admiration for certain people, and I almost Idealise them and want them as a massive part of my life. I open up so far and then I panic and wonder why the hell they like someone like me.. so I push them away.. the main one here is family and Partners. The biggest ones to note here where the relationshps with Ex-hubby and A. Both of these I broke down, I wasnt the only one to blame but I was deffo the main cause and catalyst.
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self Dont really know about this one, I have massive hang ups about myself, I look in the mirror and feel like poo but am reluctant to do anything about it, actually thats a lie, I cant be bothered to do anything about it.. whats the point.. It wont make me feel any better and well half the time I dont think I need to bother!
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Yip I do this big time.. I get very impulsive and HAVE to shop, I cant afford it but at the time thats the last think on my mind. Its almost as if Im on auto pilot or Im being controlled, I try n control this but its really hard. Sex.. yeah I can do this, and have done.. sex is sex, if Im in a relationship and getting some Im ok, its when Im in a realtionship and Im not that I wander.. I dont cheat to fall in love I do it coz I can, if it is offered to me it isn't always easy for me to say no, special if I am in a 'have no feelings' mode. My eating habits are really poor too, I either hardly eat or eat everything.. and I mean everything... If im eating a meal its a large meal, if Im hardly eating I will pick and play with my food.
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.Anyone who knows me know that I SH... I do it coz its a release, so much emotion builds up and I have to do it to let it all out. In the past I have tried suicide and failed on 3 occasions, the last time I tried I was 19.. Im too much of a wimp to kill myself. One good thing about my SH is that Im in zombie mode when I do it and the pain snaps me out of it and this means I have a little control and can stop myself before I do any real damage. I also try to hide my SH, I dont tell anyone that Ive done it and if I've cut my arms I will keep them covered.
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).Oh yes I suffer panic attacks, these are normally inter-twined with Dissasoccation as I suffer flash backs and a lot of nightmares too. I have medication to help control my anxiety levels and for the most part they do their job. I can do things that 18 months ago I couldnt do.. I mean I am living alone for a start, this was hard at first and yes it is still hard but I am surviving... just!
- Chronic feelings of emptiness. I dont really get the empty feeling, I get very lonely even surronded by friends I can feel lonely.. is this the same thing?? I dont really know.
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). I've never really been an angry person, I get angry same as everyone else but I rarely loose my temper. I dont pick fights as I hate violence, Ive seen enough of this in my life. I tend to finish fights tho and will defend what I think is right.
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.Yip I can easily dissacosiate. I have done this for years, I go in on myself and can shut down, this is dangeorus as I have no idea what the hell Im doing... I often shut down when I travel and let my feet guide me. I tend to let out a sigh of relief when I get to my destination! I can get paranoid and if Im at home and Im feeling this way I have to shut my curtains and lock windows and doors. I also keep my social life and family life seperate, I cant seem to marry the two and its as if I am two different people. Taz and Tanya.
I try and implement what I have learned at therapy but its not easy, its bloody hard work, and takes a lot of energy.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
101st brigade Reunion
Saturday saw the celebration of S's Birthday, and T had organsied a night out in London. I was really looking forward to it and it wasn't until I got to the train station that I realised that I was doing the journey alone. I felt pretty calm and tx's to S&T helped an awful lot. The train journey to Waterloo seemed to take forever, I felt extremly tired after reading 20 pages of my book so I closed my eyes, I couldnt sleep but it was enough to ease the tired pains.
Once I got to Waterloo I had to ride the underground, something I was sort of used to from trips to Essex but I needed to get to Covent Garden, an unknown route. And it meant a change of tube too. I was used to the jubilee line which is one of the nicer ones. The bakerloo train meant lots of stairs and lots of people. I managed to find a seat for the whole two stops and then it was time for a new tube. Rode that to Covent Garden and come of the tube to lots of people, there were what seemed like several hundred people. I took a deep breath and knew I couldnt face it. That meant the stairs, piece of cake I thought!! Several hundred steps later and I was fed up of going around and around and I was very puffed out!!! I felt very light headed and realised how un fit I really am!
I left the tube station and had no idea where I was going. My sense of direcetion is really poor and I felt like a needle in a haystack. I decided that the stairs were more than enough exercsise for the day. So I cheated and got a cab. I got to the hotel and went for a cig. I was sharing a room with P and knew that I would beat her too it, so I found the room and plonked myself down. The room was smaller than my bedroom but it was a place to get ready for the night and somewhere to sleep afterward. I had been debating what outfit to wear and after dancing infront of the mirror I decided on leggings and a top, it went well with my heels. I then painstakingly applied makeup, I thought as it was a special occasion I would try summat different. While I was applying my face P arrived. We had a good ole natter and catch up and time flew by! I got a text from S asking where we were and that was like eeeek! we were running very late. While P was dolling her self up I finished off my hair. P told me that it was a short walk to the club.. half an hour later we arrived at the club, and my feet were killing me. I was grateful for the sit down to rest them! It was lovely seeing the girls again. I sat next to L and we managed a bit of a natter. It was really good to see her again as we had had a few bad words said in the past.
To start with I felt a bit uneasy. I didnt know what to say and I had a bit of trouble getting into the swing of things. After some food and a couple of drinks I was really in the mood to party :) My feet were agony so after sneaking off for a cheeky cig I removed the shoes. My feet felt numb. And I felt very short!!! Its a weird sensation having to look up at people as Im 5'9" but these girls are tall and add heels and you have 6'.
T was kind enough to give me her flip flops and my feet were more than grateful. The club was good fun but not the place to have a chat so we decided (well some of us did) to move onto somewhere else.
Walking across London was really nice, I loved the feeling of being out with the girls as it has been a long time. We walked past a pub and the doormen were like you cant come in, as we walked past the window we noticed it was empty... a pub empty in central london.... mad!
We found this other pub and somehow managed to split into two groups... some sitting at a table and some holding up the bar. Aventually we all ended up sitting round the table and in true form we nattered away. T ordered us all Tequila Slammers and haphazardly we downed em... wow it cleared the sinuses!
I met S4, H and M and was able to have a brief chat with all. It was also a catch up with S, T, L and P.
I was the youngest of the group but I felt so relaxed... so much so that I was flirting!! Girly stuff was the topic of conversation, as is the norm when your with transwomen. The hormone talk lost me but I was able to chat about some stuff. There was a bit of banter over my boobs... they were jealous over them... well someone can take em as I hate my boobs they are far too big for my liking. I would love to have a figure like these women, they are slim and have legs all the way up to their asses!
Im very insecure about my figure, mainly coz Im beyond chubby... but Im lazy and me and exercise just dont go together.
Anyway.... I was having such a wonderful time. not once did I feel anxious or anything. I was with friends and that was the main thing. The cocktails and voddy red bulls helped too!
L somehow managed to fall asleep so it was a case of tease her for being old!!!
A short walk back to S's hotel.. turns out me n P were staying at a different Travel lodge. and we had coffee. The light weights went off to bed which left Me, P, S and T to have a chat, I think time flew by and aventually S&T were kicking us out back to our own hotel. Long goodbyes and lots of hugz went around. T was loving the world and S looked half dead! mind I dont think I looked so hot either!!
P agreed to a cab.. thank goddess as my feet were still killing me, I knew I had blisters and could feel them in my flip flops!
We arrived back in our hotel and decided that we were not actually that tired. P asked for a hug so we hugged and chatted and chatted and hugged. It was lovely to actually get to know her properly as both times I've met P it was with the group and its not the place to really get to know someone.
P and I finally stopped chatting around 4 am and even then that was only coz I said I was shattered.. the booze had made me feel very sleepy. Though I didnt manage to get much sleep. By 8am it was decided that sleep was out of the question so shower and face on and I was ready to face the day... well I was an Hour and a half later... I was STILL waiting for P.... and I thought I was a nitemare!!!
We talked about GID a bit and I was told again that Im special... I always disagree, I'm me not special I try and accept people for who they are. At the end of the day we all bleed red so we are all the same and we are all equal. I dont understand how people can be so against the LGBT world. We are human beings. And if anyone has a problem with my friends they have to go through me.
Seeing the girls again has given me a new sense of self. They have to battle with a lot everyday and it puts my life into perspective a bit. I need to try and stay positive. How long this positve mood will last I have no idea, Its hard work staying positive, Ive had a few down moments the last few days but I am trying to keep my chin up and I am also trying to chat to my friends more.
Im a proud member of the 101st brigade and we will always be there for each other :o)
Once I got to Waterloo I had to ride the underground, something I was sort of used to from trips to Essex but I needed to get to Covent Garden, an unknown route. And it meant a change of tube too. I was used to the jubilee line which is one of the nicer ones. The bakerloo train meant lots of stairs and lots of people. I managed to find a seat for the whole two stops and then it was time for a new tube. Rode that to Covent Garden and come of the tube to lots of people, there were what seemed like several hundred people. I took a deep breath and knew I couldnt face it. That meant the stairs, piece of cake I thought!! Several hundred steps later and I was fed up of going around and around and I was very puffed out!!! I felt very light headed and realised how un fit I really am!
I left the tube station and had no idea where I was going. My sense of direcetion is really poor and I felt like a needle in a haystack. I decided that the stairs were more than enough exercsise for the day. So I cheated and got a cab. I got to the hotel and went for a cig. I was sharing a room with P and knew that I would beat her too it, so I found the room and plonked myself down. The room was smaller than my bedroom but it was a place to get ready for the night and somewhere to sleep afterward. I had been debating what outfit to wear and after dancing infront of the mirror I decided on leggings and a top, it went well with my heels. I then painstakingly applied makeup, I thought as it was a special occasion I would try summat different. While I was applying my face P arrived. We had a good ole natter and catch up and time flew by! I got a text from S asking where we were and that was like eeeek! we were running very late. While P was dolling her self up I finished off my hair. P told me that it was a short walk to the club.. half an hour later we arrived at the club, and my feet were killing me. I was grateful for the sit down to rest them! It was lovely seeing the girls again. I sat next to L and we managed a bit of a natter. It was really good to see her again as we had had a few bad words said in the past.
To start with I felt a bit uneasy. I didnt know what to say and I had a bit of trouble getting into the swing of things. After some food and a couple of drinks I was really in the mood to party :) My feet were agony so after sneaking off for a cheeky cig I removed the shoes. My feet felt numb. And I felt very short!!! Its a weird sensation having to look up at people as Im 5'9" but these girls are tall and add heels and you have 6'.
T was kind enough to give me her flip flops and my feet were more than grateful. The club was good fun but not the place to have a chat so we decided (well some of us did) to move onto somewhere else.
Walking across London was really nice, I loved the feeling of being out with the girls as it has been a long time. We walked past a pub and the doormen were like you cant come in, as we walked past the window we noticed it was empty... a pub empty in central london.... mad!
We found this other pub and somehow managed to split into two groups... some sitting at a table and some holding up the bar. Aventually we all ended up sitting round the table and in true form we nattered away. T ordered us all Tequila Slammers and haphazardly we downed em... wow it cleared the sinuses!
I met S4, H and M and was able to have a brief chat with all. It was also a catch up with S, T, L and P.
I was the youngest of the group but I felt so relaxed... so much so that I was flirting!! Girly stuff was the topic of conversation, as is the norm when your with transwomen. The hormone talk lost me but I was able to chat about some stuff. There was a bit of banter over my boobs... they were jealous over them... well someone can take em as I hate my boobs they are far too big for my liking. I would love to have a figure like these women, they are slim and have legs all the way up to their asses!
Im very insecure about my figure, mainly coz Im beyond chubby... but Im lazy and me and exercise just dont go together.
Anyway.... I was having such a wonderful time. not once did I feel anxious or anything. I was with friends and that was the main thing. The cocktails and voddy red bulls helped too!
L somehow managed to fall asleep so it was a case of tease her for being old!!!
A short walk back to S's hotel.. turns out me n P were staying at a different Travel lodge. and we had coffee. The light weights went off to bed which left Me, P, S and T to have a chat, I think time flew by and aventually S&T were kicking us out back to our own hotel. Long goodbyes and lots of hugz went around. T was loving the world and S looked half dead! mind I dont think I looked so hot either!!
P agreed to a cab.. thank goddess as my feet were still killing me, I knew I had blisters and could feel them in my flip flops!
We arrived back in our hotel and decided that we were not actually that tired. P asked for a hug so we hugged and chatted and chatted and hugged. It was lovely to actually get to know her properly as both times I've met P it was with the group and its not the place to really get to know someone.
P and I finally stopped chatting around 4 am and even then that was only coz I said I was shattered.. the booze had made me feel very sleepy. Though I didnt manage to get much sleep. By 8am it was decided that sleep was out of the question so shower and face on and I was ready to face the day... well I was an Hour and a half later... I was STILL waiting for P.... and I thought I was a nitemare!!!
We talked about GID a bit and I was told again that Im special... I always disagree, I'm me not special I try and accept people for who they are. At the end of the day we all bleed red so we are all the same and we are all equal. I dont understand how people can be so against the LGBT world. We are human beings. And if anyone has a problem with my friends they have to go through me.
Seeing the girls again has given me a new sense of self. They have to battle with a lot everyday and it puts my life into perspective a bit. I need to try and stay positive. How long this positve mood will last I have no idea, Its hard work staying positive, Ive had a few down moments the last few days but I am trying to keep my chin up and I am also trying to chat to my friends more.
Im a proud member of the 101st brigade and we will always be there for each other :o)
Thursday, 7 April 2011
Back to college :)
I'm so far behind in college I am ready to quit, I told this to my tutor and she said that I'm so close to finishing the section that I may as well finish it so that Im not repeating the year all over... I was and am still in so much doubt over this but agreed to go in for an extra lesson to see how things went. I was bricking it left right and Chelsea, I woke up all geared up for college but as the day went on I started to panic and panic and well panic. I got on the bus to Fareham and well mooched around a bit, I had some things to do and I was trying my best to calm myself down. My infills needed doing ready for S's birthday party this weekend I had plenty of time and I was pleased with the result. Except my poor left pinky is nail-less after a bit of a trauma mid week.. literally no nail.. I have a tiny stump of a finger that has no nail... AT ALL cept 4mm just above the cuticle... I know coz I measured! it is also very painfull... anyways back on track.....
I was arguing with myself about going, I needed to go, I had all my kit with me and I was in Fareham town...so I got on a bus and went to college.... I then went into college and then I went into my locker (which i need to hand back) and then I went to the salons and sat and waited for my tutor and I sat for what seemed like hours and then just as I was about to get up and bolt she walked through the door.....
She seemed to be pleased to see me and I was told to find a corner (suited me) and as I set myself up she gave me a couple of books that need to be completed and 2 exam papers. so I started to work my way through them and then got told I was having a client.... capped highlights whoop nice and easy :) I started and was left to my own devices more or less, did the poking holes and did the bleach and then the toner and then.... the client states she wants a cut..... EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! no confidance there, cant cut, but I some how dont panic and get through it, I had a level 3 help me and check it and supervise and at the end when Tracey comes along... I PASS whooooop, its bulk standard everyday stuff but its been such a long time since I passed an assessment it feels sooo good.
Im still smiling and actually feel like I can do this and work at finishing the college year. I dont want to quit but when things fall down its hard for me to get back up again.....I've spent so long away from college and to go back was a bit daunting but now Im rearing to go.....
Thats another thing with BPD, I'm always looking for the next buzz.. I need something to keep me going which is hard but I can do it... I think :o)
I was arguing with myself about going, I needed to go, I had all my kit with me and I was in Fareham town...so I got on a bus and went to college.... I then went into college and then I went into my locker (which i need to hand back) and then I went to the salons and sat and waited for my tutor and I sat for what seemed like hours and then just as I was about to get up and bolt she walked through the door.....
She seemed to be pleased to see me and I was told to find a corner (suited me) and as I set myself up she gave me a couple of books that need to be completed and 2 exam papers. so I started to work my way through them and then got told I was having a client.... capped highlights whoop nice and easy :) I started and was left to my own devices more or less, did the poking holes and did the bleach and then the toner and then.... the client states she wants a cut..... EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! no confidance there, cant cut, but I some how dont panic and get through it, I had a level 3 help me and check it and supervise and at the end when Tracey comes along... I PASS whooooop, its bulk standard everyday stuff but its been such a long time since I passed an assessment it feels sooo good.
Im still smiling and actually feel like I can do this and work at finishing the college year. I dont want to quit but when things fall down its hard for me to get back up again.....I've spent so long away from college and to go back was a bit daunting but now Im rearing to go.....
Thats another thing with BPD, I'm always looking for the next buzz.. I need something to keep me going which is hard but I can do it... I think :o)
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Memorial Mayhem
Grace's memorial is getting ever nearer, I feel like there is still so much to do. I still haven't got the order of service sorted, I haven't had many responses to people wanting something said and I am stuggling to find the words I want to say. I have found two out the three pieces of music, I am being very particular on what I want played.
I have the contact number for the tree memorial people but trying to get hold of the bloke is like trying to catch air. I think I will need to leave the tree part and concentrate on the actual serive/wake.
I have had some good responses and some people have been very geneorous. However its still hard going on me. Grace died 4 weeks ago and a lot of people are expecting me to be 'over it' by now, I still can't believe that she has gone and I know that the memorial is the chance to say my final goodbye to her. I have tried to concentrate on the memorial but evereytime I think about it I get really down and realise how much I miss her.
I am hoping that I can hold it together for the service but knowing me and my emotions it will get to me and I expect I will fall to pieces. But I know I will be amongst friends and that is a blessing as I expect I will be able to get plenty of hugz :o)
I have the contact number for the tree memorial people but trying to get hold of the bloke is like trying to catch air. I think I will need to leave the tree part and concentrate on the actual serive/wake.
I have had some good responses and some people have been very geneorous. However its still hard going on me. Grace died 4 weeks ago and a lot of people are expecting me to be 'over it' by now, I still can't believe that she has gone and I know that the memorial is the chance to say my final goodbye to her. I have tried to concentrate on the memorial but evereytime I think about it I get really down and realise how much I miss her.
I am hoping that I can hold it together for the service but knowing me and my emotions it will get to me and I expect I will fall to pieces. But I know I will be amongst friends and that is a blessing as I expect I will be able to get plenty of hugz :o)
Saturday, 2 April 2011
A life worth saving??
As I type this there is no light at the end of the tunnel..... I have been keeping so much hidden.... and I've decided now is the time to come clean 100% clean... and I guess doing this will loose me some friends, if this happens I can only say that its all I deserve. Everything that I share is all of my own doing, I dont blame anyone except myself.
I will start by copying out a text I sent to a friend and expand on that text as I write......
'My life is such a mess, I just dont know what to do anymore. I've had to quit college, I've got a shit load of debt and calls to court, My Grace is dead, Amber isn't talking to me, People take advantage of me, I'm banned from Tesco and have to pay a fine I can't afford, I just want everything to go away but there is no way out save one n I'm scared to even do that xXx'
Right time for some expansion....
College: has been a struggle for sometime, I couldn't handle being in 4 days a week, I enjoyed it but by Wednesday I was shattered and missed a lot of Wednesday classes. The young ones that I was in class with stressed me out as they didnt try and spent a lot of time messing about, I didn't go to college to mess about, I went so I could become a hairdresser. I spoke to my tutor and was moved to the part-time class which was a mature class, people more my own age, I didn't feel very welcome at first, but that was my own hangups... and I kinda plonked myself in this class where all these woman had already formed friendships. I tried hard, I tried and tried and tried but even the simplist of things like a set I couldnt get right. The class was so much more intense and at a much faster pace. I struggled and did I mention it to my tutors?? Nope not really, I freaked out, I kept going, then we had half term with the plan to go back all fresh and guns blazing but as half term holiday ended I couldnt face going back... so I didn't and then Grace died and still I didn't go back, I missed exams and classes and fell further and further behind. I finally bit the bullet and e-mailed my tutor, she agrees with me and the stress it would cause me so has withdrawn me from the course, but as Im close to finishing a part of my first year certificate I can go in on a Thursday evening t0 finish this part and then go back for year 2 so I still gain my NVQ. Good stuff I hear you say, but I will only complete one third of this year so I may find year2 a challenge, I'm trying not to think of that... get this year out of the way and hopefully by September I will be in a posistion to cope better.
Debt: Well its not going away, I may steps, I drew up a spreadsheet of how much Im owing, I have had advice from the CAB bankruptcy is my only option, But to do this I need money (£600) and huh! I dont have it. A very good friend who will remain un-named loaned me some of this amount to go for it.... But that leavs me with 2/3 of the £600 to find. And untill I find that I cant pay anything..... I have god knows how many letters from company's saying that I have to appear in court in the coming months. One has already told me that I'm facing 7 days in HMP Holloway.... that will do me the world of good that, and does wonders for my anxiety levels. I need to do a another trip to the CAB but I really dont know what help they can offer. On top of that I STILL cant seem to stop spending money. I have re-homed one of my babies which broke my heart and as a replacement.... 3 Hamsters and 2 Gerbils!!!! more expense and time needed to look after them.
Grace: Her death is something that I had no control over, it happened and I have to deal with that immense loss. I have lost a best friend and partner and each day I cry over the fact that she is no longer here, Grace was giving me so much support and while I was with her I felt alive and I was doing something about my issues. Now she has gone I feel that a massive part of me has been taken away and I just dont know how to cope. I have tried so hard to fight and fight and keep going with what she started but I dont have the energy. I seem to cry and cry and miss her cuddles more than anything. Not to mention her GSOH and twice daily chats online that we had when we were not together.
Amber: I messed this up so bad, I treated her like shit and I am deeply sorry for all the pain I caused her, Guilt I think is the biggest emotion here. I loved Amber more than I did my ex-hubby. I walked out of my marriage to be with her and I spent the following months confused and playing mind games... Amber, Ex, Amber, Ex etc... I wanted Amber but wanted the security my marriage gave me. I got over this and what did I do.. push Amber away. Amber tried so hard to save the relationship and all I did was throw it in her face by cheating and running away from my problems, which is something that I have done for so many years. What has this left me with... nothing, I'm alone and loving some-one that doesnt love me back. Amber wants space so she can work on her issues, I cant call her and my text messages go un-answered. I miss her so much. Amber introduced me to a world I was curious about and made me realise that I am actually bi-sexual and prefer to be in the company of women to men. I loved Amber so much and wanted to show the world how much so and got Amber' tattooed on my back. This I now need to get covered up but am reluctant to do. Its a part of me as Amber was... I want her back in my life. I have appologised so much and she knows that I still love her. I want to prove to her that despite my mis givings I want a proper relationship with her and am willing to fight through everything to be with her. This is never going to happen and it breaks my heart. I can't face the thought of saying good bye to her, I am crying just thinking about it. I want to work on a friendship but I guess we will never have a friendship, and another shot at a relationship is just out of the question.
Amber has her own issues and I want to help her through them, rightly so she wants nothing to do with me and all I want is a hug and to be told that everthing is ok, things may be tough but we can face the crap together. Again through my own stupidity this is never going to happen and I have to face this fact. No matter how hard I try I cant seem to get over the fact that she is gone from my life and will never be apart of it again.
People: I seem to be the type of person that gets walked over, things have been stolen from my home. I tried to get back on track by taking in a lodger and he did a runner owing me a shit load of rent and stole some of my things as another kick in the teeth. I have had money get stolen from my purse and my blackberry stolen from my house. I have friends that play on my kind hearted nature and are always asking me to bail them out, as a good smaratian I do so, give them the things they need and money for gas and electric when they have none. In return I ask for nothing and what am I left with... being owed money that I will never see again, A friend that will be there for me when needed but they dont actually support me.
Tesco: I did something really stupid... think about it and you will be right on the button. I am now banned from ALL Tesco stores for 12 months, have to pay a fine to the store and I have to go to court and face the music. I was deffinatley NOT my self when this happened but that is no excuse, I can not go blaming my BPD for my actions, time to be a grown up and face the music.
The rest: I have never been 100% honest and have had all this stuff going through my head, I dont like having BPD and I hate self harming even more. I dont tell my parents anything, they will be totally disapointed and let down by my actions. I try and be a good daughter but Im really crap at it. I told my step-mum about my operation 4 days after I had it done.
I'm still in pain from my operation, the internal stuff doesnt hurt, its the stuff they cut away on the outside that hurts, it hurts to walk and to sit and do just about anything. I told everyone that I was having growths removed.... which wasnt a total lie but they were in fact warts...something like 15 in total both internal and external... where did they come from I have no Idea, I have had few sexual partners and I doubt they were an STI but that isnt un likely, but from what the phsician said I have had them for years and didnt even know it.
My selfharming is something that I fight to NOT do, but the emotional pain gets so great that the only way I can release it is to slice at my skin. The warm blood is like Im letting go of some of the pain and for an instant I feel better, till the cuts begin to hurt and I snap out of the insanity and feel guilty for doing it... Its not a solution and cutting myself doesnt make any of the issues go away. It doesnt help that I get shouted at and slapped for doing it... despite what people say and think I DONT do it for attention, I dont want to be known as the girl who cuts her self... I want to be known as Taz. I dont even want to be known as Tanya as that name has a lot of pain associated with it....arguements, abuse and fights in a nutshell.
I always get told that writing down all the hurt helps, I dont think it has done so, if anything it has made me feel ashamed of the things that I have done and the person I have become. I dont believe in suicide, which I think is a good thing as I would have done that by now. But everynight I go to sleep I pray that will be my last night and I wont wake up.
I honestly dont see a way out and I am expecting a lot of my friends to walk away and say goodbye, this will kill me but I am ready
I am NOT looking for sympathy or love or any of those things, I dont know what I'm looking for... help I guess.........
I know there are a million spelling errors in the above but ya know what?? I dont give a damn atm.
I will start by copying out a text I sent to a friend and expand on that text as I write......
'My life is such a mess, I just dont know what to do anymore. I've had to quit college, I've got a shit load of debt and calls to court, My Grace is dead, Amber isn't talking to me, People take advantage of me, I'm banned from Tesco and have to pay a fine I can't afford, I just want everything to go away but there is no way out save one n I'm scared to even do that xXx'
Right time for some expansion....
College: has been a struggle for sometime, I couldn't handle being in 4 days a week, I enjoyed it but by Wednesday I was shattered and missed a lot of Wednesday classes. The young ones that I was in class with stressed me out as they didnt try and spent a lot of time messing about, I didn't go to college to mess about, I went so I could become a hairdresser. I spoke to my tutor and was moved to the part-time class which was a mature class, people more my own age, I didn't feel very welcome at first, but that was my own hangups... and I kinda plonked myself in this class where all these woman had already formed friendships. I tried hard, I tried and tried and tried but even the simplist of things like a set I couldnt get right. The class was so much more intense and at a much faster pace. I struggled and did I mention it to my tutors?? Nope not really, I freaked out, I kept going, then we had half term with the plan to go back all fresh and guns blazing but as half term holiday ended I couldnt face going back... so I didn't and then Grace died and still I didn't go back, I missed exams and classes and fell further and further behind. I finally bit the bullet and e-mailed my tutor, she agrees with me and the stress it would cause me so has withdrawn me from the course, but as Im close to finishing a part of my first year certificate I can go in on a Thursday evening t0 finish this part and then go back for year 2 so I still gain my NVQ. Good stuff I hear you say, but I will only complete one third of this year so I may find year2 a challenge, I'm trying not to think of that... get this year out of the way and hopefully by September I will be in a posistion to cope better.
Debt: Well its not going away, I may steps, I drew up a spreadsheet of how much Im owing, I have had advice from the CAB bankruptcy is my only option, But to do this I need money (£600) and huh! I dont have it. A very good friend who will remain un-named loaned me some of this amount to go for it.... But that leavs me with 2/3 of the £600 to find. And untill I find that I cant pay anything..... I have god knows how many letters from company's saying that I have to appear in court in the coming months. One has already told me that I'm facing 7 days in HMP Holloway.... that will do me the world of good that, and does wonders for my anxiety levels. I need to do a another trip to the CAB but I really dont know what help they can offer. On top of that I STILL cant seem to stop spending money. I have re-homed one of my babies which broke my heart and as a replacement.... 3 Hamsters and 2 Gerbils!!!! more expense and time needed to look after them.
Grace: Her death is something that I had no control over, it happened and I have to deal with that immense loss. I have lost a best friend and partner and each day I cry over the fact that she is no longer here, Grace was giving me so much support and while I was with her I felt alive and I was doing something about my issues. Now she has gone I feel that a massive part of me has been taken away and I just dont know how to cope. I have tried so hard to fight and fight and keep going with what she started but I dont have the energy. I seem to cry and cry and miss her cuddles more than anything. Not to mention her GSOH and twice daily chats online that we had when we were not together.
Amber: I messed this up so bad, I treated her like shit and I am deeply sorry for all the pain I caused her, Guilt I think is the biggest emotion here. I loved Amber more than I did my ex-hubby. I walked out of my marriage to be with her and I spent the following months confused and playing mind games... Amber, Ex, Amber, Ex etc... I wanted Amber but wanted the security my marriage gave me. I got over this and what did I do.. push Amber away. Amber tried so hard to save the relationship and all I did was throw it in her face by cheating and running away from my problems, which is something that I have done for so many years. What has this left me with... nothing, I'm alone and loving some-one that doesnt love me back. Amber wants space so she can work on her issues, I cant call her and my text messages go un-answered. I miss her so much. Amber introduced me to a world I was curious about and made me realise that I am actually bi-sexual and prefer to be in the company of women to men. I loved Amber so much and wanted to show the world how much so and got Amber' tattooed on my back. This I now need to get covered up but am reluctant to do. Its a part of me as Amber was... I want her back in my life. I have appologised so much and she knows that I still love her. I want to prove to her that despite my mis givings I want a proper relationship with her and am willing to fight through everything to be with her. This is never going to happen and it breaks my heart. I can't face the thought of saying good bye to her, I am crying just thinking about it. I want to work on a friendship but I guess we will never have a friendship, and another shot at a relationship is just out of the question.
Amber has her own issues and I want to help her through them, rightly so she wants nothing to do with me and all I want is a hug and to be told that everthing is ok, things may be tough but we can face the crap together. Again through my own stupidity this is never going to happen and I have to face this fact. No matter how hard I try I cant seem to get over the fact that she is gone from my life and will never be apart of it again.
People: I seem to be the type of person that gets walked over, things have been stolen from my home. I tried to get back on track by taking in a lodger and he did a runner owing me a shit load of rent and stole some of my things as another kick in the teeth. I have had money get stolen from my purse and my blackberry stolen from my house. I have friends that play on my kind hearted nature and are always asking me to bail them out, as a good smaratian I do so, give them the things they need and money for gas and electric when they have none. In return I ask for nothing and what am I left with... being owed money that I will never see again, A friend that will be there for me when needed but they dont actually support me.
Tesco: I did something really stupid... think about it and you will be right on the button. I am now banned from ALL Tesco stores for 12 months, have to pay a fine to the store and I have to go to court and face the music. I was deffinatley NOT my self when this happened but that is no excuse, I can not go blaming my BPD for my actions, time to be a grown up and face the music.
The rest: I have never been 100% honest and have had all this stuff going through my head, I dont like having BPD and I hate self harming even more. I dont tell my parents anything, they will be totally disapointed and let down by my actions. I try and be a good daughter but Im really crap at it. I told my step-mum about my operation 4 days after I had it done.
I'm still in pain from my operation, the internal stuff doesnt hurt, its the stuff they cut away on the outside that hurts, it hurts to walk and to sit and do just about anything. I told everyone that I was having growths removed.... which wasnt a total lie but they were in fact warts...something like 15 in total both internal and external... where did they come from I have no Idea, I have had few sexual partners and I doubt they were an STI but that isnt un likely, but from what the phsician said I have had them for years and didnt even know it.
My selfharming is something that I fight to NOT do, but the emotional pain gets so great that the only way I can release it is to slice at my skin. The warm blood is like Im letting go of some of the pain and for an instant I feel better, till the cuts begin to hurt and I snap out of the insanity and feel guilty for doing it... Its not a solution and cutting myself doesnt make any of the issues go away. It doesnt help that I get shouted at and slapped for doing it... despite what people say and think I DONT do it for attention, I dont want to be known as the girl who cuts her self... I want to be known as Taz. I dont even want to be known as Tanya as that name has a lot of pain associated with it....arguements, abuse and fights in a nutshell.
I always get told that writing down all the hurt helps, I dont think it has done so, if anything it has made me feel ashamed of the things that I have done and the person I have become. I dont believe in suicide, which I think is a good thing as I would have done that by now. But everynight I go to sleep I pray that will be my last night and I wont wake up.
I honestly dont see a way out and I am expecting a lot of my friends to walk away and say goodbye, this will kill me but I am ready
I am NOT looking for sympathy or love or any of those things, I dont know what I'm looking for... help I guess.........
I know there are a million spelling errors in the above but ya know what?? I dont give a damn atm.
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