I often go through my friends list and delete people off it, those who are negative or those who I dont talk too. Well today I went through my facebook pics, I deleted wedding pics, pics of ex's and pics of past events with old friends and 'family'
I was raring to go at first, the further I got the sadder I felt, these people were a part of my life. I have to admit I know this was the right decison, I have moved on with my life. Looking at the pictures reminded me of bad choices I had made by not listening to myself and listening to others around me.
It was strange looking at pics of me and ex-hubby, it doesnt feel like a different life, more like a different person. Im no longer that girl that met him 10 years ago. I am no longer hiding who I am and Im no longer fighting as many deamons as I was.
From that time period I have one friend left, Ms Shell. She is amazing and we are closer than ever. I dont see her as being part of that past more as being apart of my future.
I also deleted pictures of weddings, one of which was ex-hubbys aunty's wedding, again a time id like to forget and the other was a 'friend' who's marriage has since broken down.
I also deleted my wedding pics. I know up in my loft I have my wedding bouquet and a few other bits. I am now ready to let them all go... but its getting up in my loft to do so! I knew before I couldnt let go but now I can. I am entering a new chapter in my life. Divorce is on the horizon and I have a wonderful woman in my life.
I also need to delete some 'friends' off facebook, these ppl have no place in my future, strange thing is I have friends on facebook that I rarely speak to but they check on my wall, read my updates and read my blog. They are real friends!!!! there are those who i speak to on a regular basis that I dont class as friends yet... Im hoping they will become so as they are lovely people.
Facebook for me has been a weird place. sometimes I post nothing but cryptic messages and ppls get worried, sometimes I post too much info and ppl get worried or I get back lash. Sometimes I am the true me and well people are either shocked or weirded out by it. There are many sides to me.... some of it isnt very vanilla but I dont care. People on facebook can judge me as they wish.
A while ago I deleted ALL family members off my facebook except my brother and sister. Since then life has been less complicated!!!!
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Monday, 25 June 2012
Liars cheaters and Lovers
I am not one to moan... much! but this last week has been turbulant! Id give eastenders a run for its money! For those who pay attention, my last blog post mentioning ppl actually started out as a suicide note... I was in that bad of a place :(
Anyways..... The last week.....
Liars.... well a few ppl fall into this category, the first one is the Wildcat, lying about all sorts of things more details will follow laters. The next liar is a so called 'Friend' trying to interfere in my life and denying it.. guess what... Im not stupid and I get told all sorts of things!!!!
Cheaters..... only one person fits this category... the Canadian Wildcat... apparantly madly in love with me.. at the start of the 'relationship' she is fooling about with both men and women, this she confirmed on the fone. Also she spends less time chatting to me and hanging out with her 'friend' blonde bimbo. I tell her she needs to talk to me about this, I get nothing in response so tell her its over. A week later I find out blonde bimbo has dropped her for what ever reason and the next day I get a text off her.... I tell her I spent 2 days crying over her, I was heartbroken and that its well and truley over.... nuff sed I have moved on from that... I dont need shit like that in my life.
Lovers.... this may seem bizarre and fast moving fer some to believe and I will need to start this from the beginning.... Dee is a friend of mine, we chat now and then, I love talking to her, she makes me smile and is there for me when I need her! Well she was with the wildcat first. The wildcat splits with her, I get with the wildcat and well there is nothing but DRAMA!!! i lost a very close friend :( and I was gutted I made such a stupid mistake :( well me and the Wildcat split up (WAHOOOO! I hear ppls say!) and well Dee and I unite in heartache... we have a bitch fest and declare things are forgotten and we can move on. I leave it at that. I go to sleep and the next day... Dee is the only one on my mind, the first thing I thought of when I woke up... yups even b4 coffee!!! well we get talking, skyping and speak for hours... and b4 we know it we are telling each other we love each other... it comes from no where, a massive shock to my system as well. Im fresh from a weird virtual relationship, she (wildcat) is not even in my mind and its like WOW! I really do love this person, I wana be with her. We agree we will take things slowly slowly. See how things pan out.... and since then we have spoken everyday, be it by yahoo, text, facebook or skype. As of today she is coming to visit in 10 days WAHOOOOOOOOO!
I cant wait to finally meet her, we know so much about each other and I know when she comes down I wont want her to leave. I can really talk to Dee, usually I find it hard to open up to someone face to face and I find myself sharing things with her over video, some things I have never shared with anyone. Have I found 'the one' with Dee, the answer is its too early to tell but Im already visioning a future :) I will say one thing... Dee get ur funking ass down here so I can hold you in my arms... its been a long time a coming!!!!
in other news.....
I have rekindled some old friendships and made some new ones... all RMX (Rainbow Mix Radio) crew.... I dont get out much... stoopid agraphobia, but OMGG what a laugh we have in the chatroom, the main topic atm is food and sex... wet noodles, tipless sausages and cucumber to say the very least!!!!! I have also found myself falling in love with the station, the people are ace. The Dj's awesome (bar one!) and the fact its live and you can make Dj's stutter and things with our antics is awesome. Thank you Ms Karen for thinking up the brain child :o)
Okies, Ive waffled long enuf, more at a later date.. most probs icky mushy stuff as well Im in it fer the long haul with my angel :o) x
Anyways..... The last week.....
Liars.... well a few ppl fall into this category, the first one is the Wildcat, lying about all sorts of things more details will follow laters. The next liar is a so called 'Friend' trying to interfere in my life and denying it.. guess what... Im not stupid and I get told all sorts of things!!!!
Cheaters..... only one person fits this category... the Canadian Wildcat... apparantly madly in love with me.. at the start of the 'relationship' she is fooling about with both men and women, this she confirmed on the fone. Also she spends less time chatting to me and hanging out with her 'friend' blonde bimbo. I tell her she needs to talk to me about this, I get nothing in response so tell her its over. A week later I find out blonde bimbo has dropped her for what ever reason and the next day I get a text off her.... I tell her I spent 2 days crying over her, I was heartbroken and that its well and truley over.... nuff sed I have moved on from that... I dont need shit like that in my life.
Lovers.... this may seem bizarre and fast moving fer some to believe and I will need to start this from the beginning.... Dee is a friend of mine, we chat now and then, I love talking to her, she makes me smile and is there for me when I need her! Well she was with the wildcat first. The wildcat splits with her, I get with the wildcat and well there is nothing but DRAMA!!! i lost a very close friend :( and I was gutted I made such a stupid mistake :( well me and the Wildcat split up (WAHOOOO! I hear ppls say!) and well Dee and I unite in heartache... we have a bitch fest and declare things are forgotten and we can move on. I leave it at that. I go to sleep and the next day... Dee is the only one on my mind, the first thing I thought of when I woke up... yups even b4 coffee!!! well we get talking, skyping and speak for hours... and b4 we know it we are telling each other we love each other... it comes from no where, a massive shock to my system as well. Im fresh from a weird virtual relationship, she (wildcat) is not even in my mind and its like WOW! I really do love this person, I wana be with her. We agree we will take things slowly slowly. See how things pan out.... and since then we have spoken everyday, be it by yahoo, text, facebook or skype. As of today she is coming to visit in 10 days WAHOOOOOOOOO!
I cant wait to finally meet her, we know so much about each other and I know when she comes down I wont want her to leave. I can really talk to Dee, usually I find it hard to open up to someone face to face and I find myself sharing things with her over video, some things I have never shared with anyone. Have I found 'the one' with Dee, the answer is its too early to tell but Im already visioning a future :) I will say one thing... Dee get ur funking ass down here so I can hold you in my arms... its been a long time a coming!!!!
in other news.....
I have rekindled some old friendships and made some new ones... all RMX (Rainbow Mix Radio) crew.... I dont get out much... stoopid agraphobia, but OMGG what a laugh we have in the chatroom, the main topic atm is food and sex... wet noodles, tipless sausages and cucumber to say the very least!!!!! I have also found myself falling in love with the station, the people are ace. The Dj's awesome (bar one!) and the fact its live and you can make Dj's stutter and things with our antics is awesome. Thank you Ms Karen for thinking up the brain child :o)
Okies, Ive waffled long enuf, more at a later date.. most probs icky mushy stuff as well Im in it fer the long haul with my angel :o) x
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Rodents and Op
Sadly since my Last post Gracey has died. I went to change his bed on the Sunday and he was laying curled up and riga had set in, its very sad and kinda ironic that he died to weeks after my Gracey. I was very sad and annoyed as I only appopted him a week before, so a trip to pets at home to complain, the assisstant was puzzled and let me have a replacement, so I choose two Chinese Dwarf hammys, they are female and I named them Onyx and Eddie. A couple of days later S2 offered to run me down to pets as she was going that way, I needed some cat supplies, we arrived and guess what... A roborosovski dwarf hamster was up for adoption and he came with a cage, I made a donation as I was unable to leave him there. When I went to the check out he also came with food, bedding, sawdust and a mini ball. All I had to do was find a home for his cage, He came with the Name Dick but I renamed him to Marble.
On Monday I needed to go to QA Hossy for my pre operative assessment, S2 was meant to come with me, however she was full of cold and as I couldnt find another person to go with me I had to go alone... I was bricking it loads. I popped some extra calm me downs and bit the bullet. I had to be there for 9am and looked at bus times etc and found that Id have to leave at 6am and have a lot of waiting around in places and think and panic so I ordered a cab, the cab driver was a lovely lady and more than patient listening to my nervous babble. I arrived at the hossy with less than half n hour to spare, puffing on 2 cigs and then I had to walk what seemed like a million miles across the hossy I got to D ward. I explained about my panics to the receptionist and didnt have to wait too long to see the nurse. I was weighed and measured, My weight has gone down by 6kg which means my BMI has decreased :o) My Heart rate was 120 BPM and my BP a little lower than normal. I then had to see the Doctor due regarding my medications and my BPD and the effect my operation will have on me mentally. After this meeting I was told I had to go for an ECG due to the high HR then a visit to the vampires to get bloods done this raised the anxiety levels through the roof and I got so worked up I was sick :o( the vampires only took 4 tubes, which is nice compared to the normal 6 I have to give when they check on how my meds are affecting me. After all that and 3 hours in the hossy I was free to go :o) I practically ran to the bus stop and as soon as I got on the bus I was straight on my fone, answering several messages and this kept me occupied during the bus ride. On the bus I was able to put panic bear in my pocket (he was being squished all the way to the hossy and while I was in there!)
I got to Fareham and was desperate for something to eat, grabbing a jacket spud I decided to find a bench and eat in the sun, I was feeling a little bewildered, it hadn't quite sunk in what I'd achieved.
On Monday I needed to go to QA Hossy for my pre operative assessment, S2 was meant to come with me, however she was full of cold and as I couldnt find another person to go with me I had to go alone... I was bricking it loads. I popped some extra calm me downs and bit the bullet. I had to be there for 9am and looked at bus times etc and found that Id have to leave at 6am and have a lot of waiting around in places and think and panic so I ordered a cab, the cab driver was a lovely lady and more than patient listening to my nervous babble. I arrived at the hossy with less than half n hour to spare, puffing on 2 cigs and then I had to walk what seemed like a million miles across the hossy I got to D ward. I explained about my panics to the receptionist and didnt have to wait too long to see the nurse. I was weighed and measured, My weight has gone down by 6kg which means my BMI has decreased :o) My Heart rate was 120 BPM and my BP a little lower than normal. I then had to see the Doctor due regarding my medications and my BPD and the effect my operation will have on me mentally. After this meeting I was told I had to go for an ECG due to the high HR then a visit to the vampires to get bloods done this raised the anxiety levels through the roof and I got so worked up I was sick :o( the vampires only took 4 tubes, which is nice compared to the normal 6 I have to give when they check on how my meds are affecting me. After all that and 3 hours in the hossy I was free to go :o) I practically ran to the bus stop and as soon as I got on the bus I was straight on my fone, answering several messages and this kept me occupied during the bus ride. On the bus I was able to put panic bear in my pocket (he was being squished all the way to the hossy and while I was in there!)
I got to Fareham and was desperate for something to eat, grabbing a jacket spud I decided to find a bench and eat in the sun, I was feeling a little bewildered, it hadn't quite sunk in what I'd achieved.
Read below!
Hi everyone, you may find a seperate post under your name so please check...
Dad and mum despite everything you have been there thru some of my toughest moments. I know you sometimes feel that I dont appricate you, but I do, I go ages without speaking to you as I dont want you to see me when Im down as I feel like I have been a massive disapointment as a daughter. I have noticed when we speak on the fone you never say 'love you' these two words have been missing a lot from my life and the last time we spoke not hearing them cut my heart deeper than you will ever know.
Dan and Joshua A girl could not ask for 2 better brothers, I love you both dearly and would die protecting you. I feel that I havent been there for you both, either when u needed me most or just to be a sister.
Mom 12 long years I had you missing from my life. To save myself pain I made myself think you hated me and that I hated you. The day I found out you had been 'rescued' by Cherry, Steve and Jim I was able to let go of these feelings and admit that I never stopped loving you and always wanted my mom. Over the years there had been many a time when I wanted my Mom and no-one else.... these feelings I quashed. But I am more than happy to have you back in my life.
Shell I cant believe ive known you for like 10 years, it feels like a lifetime. I could not have asked for a better best friend and sister. I love you deeply and you have always been there. I have done my best to be there for you as well. you and Finn have given me a wonderful neece and nefoo, you's being in Ireland means I cant see you but I think about you all the time.
Lo Gracie brought us together as she knew we would be close. I would NEVER come between you and Brian its not in my nature to do something like that. Im sorry my facebook posts made brian think like this. To stop this from happening in the future I have deleted you both from my account (dont know if you have noticed yet) Pressing the remove from friends button was tough, it hurt like a knife thru the heart but I know its for the best. I love you baby girl, you'll always be my best girl
Wildcat RMX was how we met and I also got some fantastic friends from it. rightly or wrongly I listented to ppl, what I heard broke my heart. I know your going through a real tough time at the moment and I wanted to hold your hand across the miles. I love you deeply and wish to giha that we can sort thru these issues, but Im guessing its too late to do so now. I am not sorry for the hours I spent talking to you on the net and phone. Im not sorry for waiting up till stupid o clock and listening to your shows. You make my life brighter. I love you more than words can say and more than I can ever show you.
My family huh! I spent a lot of time apart from a lot of you. I tried to repair damage that was done from missing years as a child. but the damage had been done.... things were too deep seeded to repair and I feel as if I was forgotten.. not even a christmas card.
My friends Friends are the family you choose for yourself... I have the best, craziest, wildest bunch of nutters for friends anyone could ever ask for. A lot of you have been there at my toughest moments. laughing with me, laughing at me, wiping my tears and holding my hand when needed. you have all been wonderful and I love you all so very much.
Cleo for 11 years you have been my kitty cat, the best companion I could have asked for. Greeting me when I come home, sitting with me and not leaving my side through the moments when I was alone. Many a time I thought of ending it all but to think of you as an orphan made me realise I had to keep fighting my battles. You need me as much as I need you.
Dad and mum despite everything you have been there thru some of my toughest moments. I know you sometimes feel that I dont appricate you, but I do, I go ages without speaking to you as I dont want you to see me when Im down as I feel like I have been a massive disapointment as a daughter. I have noticed when we speak on the fone you never say 'love you' these two words have been missing a lot from my life and the last time we spoke not hearing them cut my heart deeper than you will ever know.
Dan and Joshua A girl could not ask for 2 better brothers, I love you both dearly and would die protecting you. I feel that I havent been there for you both, either when u needed me most or just to be a sister.
Mom 12 long years I had you missing from my life. To save myself pain I made myself think you hated me and that I hated you. The day I found out you had been 'rescued' by Cherry, Steve and Jim I was able to let go of these feelings and admit that I never stopped loving you and always wanted my mom. Over the years there had been many a time when I wanted my Mom and no-one else.... these feelings I quashed. But I am more than happy to have you back in my life.
Shell I cant believe ive known you for like 10 years, it feels like a lifetime. I could not have asked for a better best friend and sister. I love you deeply and you have always been there. I have done my best to be there for you as well. you and Finn have given me a wonderful neece and nefoo, you's being in Ireland means I cant see you but I think about you all the time.
Lo Gracie brought us together as she knew we would be close. I would NEVER come between you and Brian its not in my nature to do something like that. Im sorry my facebook posts made brian think like this. To stop this from happening in the future I have deleted you both from my account (dont know if you have noticed yet) Pressing the remove from friends button was tough, it hurt like a knife thru the heart but I know its for the best. I love you baby girl, you'll always be my best girl
Wildcat RMX was how we met and I also got some fantastic friends from it. rightly or wrongly I listented to ppl, what I heard broke my heart. I know your going through a real tough time at the moment and I wanted to hold your hand across the miles. I love you deeply and wish to giha that we can sort thru these issues, but Im guessing its too late to do so now. I am not sorry for the hours I spent talking to you on the net and phone. Im not sorry for waiting up till stupid o clock and listening to your shows. You make my life brighter. I love you more than words can say and more than I can ever show you.
My family huh! I spent a lot of time apart from a lot of you. I tried to repair damage that was done from missing years as a child. but the damage had been done.... things were too deep seeded to repair and I feel as if I was forgotten.. not even a christmas card.
My friends Friends are the family you choose for yourself... I have the best, craziest, wildest bunch of nutters for friends anyone could ever ask for. A lot of you have been there at my toughest moments. laughing with me, laughing at me, wiping my tears and holding my hand when needed. you have all been wonderful and I love you all so very much.
Cleo for 11 years you have been my kitty cat, the best companion I could have asked for. Greeting me when I come home, sitting with me and not leaving my side through the moments when I was alone. Many a time I thought of ending it all but to think of you as an orphan made me realise I had to keep fighting my battles. You need me as much as I need you.
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