I have to do this, I have to really focus and solve my debt issues, I have at present not very many soloutions, bankruptcy seems to be my only option but I need to find the £600 to do so, actually Im lying I need to find £400 thanks to a very kind donation, however it may as well be a million. I could scream and scream and scream, my credit score is extremly poor, one step above bankruptcy I do believe. I need to be very strict with myself, every little thing needs to be stopped, and every penny I have I need to plow into my debts, If I could learn to save I would be on a winner. At the moment I am living hand to mouth and I really dont like it. I don't remember the last time I paid my water bill.... I NEED HELP sorting my finances....
A lottery win is the easy answer but never going to happen... I know what I need to do but its doing it.
On a massive positive which is keeping me going is my sweetie, I have a new girlfriend and she is amazing. I will NEVER forget Grace and I think she knows this. Yes I still have feelings for Amber but I am dealing with this. Gemma I hope is in it for the long haul as I deffo am.
On another note, living alone sucks. A long term lodger who pays their rent would be nice but HA! a lodger will screw up my benefits which at the moment I am heavily relying on coz without them there is NO way id be able to survive. I would love to be working but the stress of even a simple job will make me ill and I have made a lot of progress over the last few months.
Enough waffle for the moment guys n gals..... and I will fill you in on college one day, Im getting there and its going great :o)
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Monday, 30 May 2011
I've not forgotten u honest!!!
Its been a while since I blogged, I have loads to tell you dear reader but not tonight as my bath has made me sleepy..........
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Crazy Cat Lady
I've been given the affectionate title of Crazy Cat Lady, Like Eleanor Abernathy from 'The Simpsons' I too have a mental illness and I have surrounded myself with kitties. Cleo my 'first' cat (as in she was mine and not the family pet) literally saved my life. I was 16 and heading for a downward spiral. To my social worker and my foster mum I was the perfect kid, going to 6th form everyday, doing my work and not getting picked up by the police... In truth I was a mess, I had no sense of self and my behaviour outside of home was self destructive. I would come home late at night very drunk and Cleo was always sitting on my bed waiting for me to come home. No matter how bad I got Cleo never left me, she would sit with me, let me cry into her fur and she would put her paw on my arm as if to say everything was ok.
It was me and Cleo for a good few years, I had failed relationships and was drinking, smoking and sleeping about, Cleo didnt care, she saw the good in me and never gave up, she was always there. Me and Cleo had a special bond, and it was love me love my cat.. simple really.
I was settled with ex-hubby and we had our first real home when he came home one day with Furgal, she was intended as a playmate for Cleo so she wasn't completly alone during the working day. I didn't get Furgal to the vets intime and she had kittens. I think I will always remember the day she gave birth, she wouldnt leave my side and wanted me there as she popped the little white furries out one by one. While I was at work that evening she had her 5th and final kitten, a lil tabby. Ex hubby and I were agreed we would keep one but could not agree, I wanted the longhaired white girl while he wanted the tabby. We ended up keeping them both so Stripes and Mailiekkie became part of our family.
A few years later my cousin comes down with her kitten who needed a home, I had a home lined up but fell in love straight away, Ex hubby agreed we could keep him as he hadnt seen me smile so much in a long time (I was at my worst with my illness) Exhubby said we had to call the little fella Cecil.
Sadly Ex hubby and I split up, I was left with all 5 cats, no bother to me as I was totally in love with all my babies. Stripes wasn't to keen as she was always daddy's girl. Ex-hubby and I came to the agreement that once he had his own place he would home two of the babies.
Amber and I became a couple and Amber and Spider moved in with me and my brood. Bro moved into Amber's flat and few weeks later moved back in with Shadow and Ashaa.. brother and sister kittens... this took the cat population to 8!!!!! It was mad, cats everywhere and I loved everyminute of their company.
We moved to my current home and settling 8 cats was fun!!! Stripes wasn't too keen on having a new house to start with and had real trouble getting settled. Bro moved out and left me with his two cats. He had never got Ashaa nutered and soon enough Cecil and Ashaa made kittens. When the babies were old enough to go to new homes they did, and a friend who was due to have a kitten but he sadly died, she agreed to re-home Ashaa.
It was weird being one cat down but we soon adjusted. I was asked to look after Jasmine for a friend so was soon back up to 8!!!
Amber and I split up and she and spider eventually moved out, I still miss them both loads but hay!!!
Shadow by this point was proving to be a pain, such a wonderful kitty who craved loadsa attention, something that I couldnt always give and he hated sharing with the others. In the end I sadly rehomed him, where he could have a one kitty home that he so wanted. 6 cats was also a much more sensible number... I wasn't getting tripped up every 5 minutes and I was struggling with money so one kitty less was good for all of them.
I was on FB about 4 weeks after homing Shadow when a lady was looking for a home for her kitten, I got chatting to her and we agreed that her kitty could come n see if she liked it here.... Duchess never left and was given the new name of Hera. She fitted in well at kitty mansion and I love her dearly.
Over the years I have had so many ups and downs and all of my babies have been there. Some people have given up on me, but NEVER have the kitties, they have never run away and all seem very happy. I always put them before me and when the lonliness bites hard all I have to do is my special kitty whistle and they come running.
Jazzy cat is looking for a new forever home, she is a wonderful kitty but sadly she doesnt like being part of a clowder. I am struggling to re-home her as she is now 5 and she portrays some behaviours left over from a previous home where we suspect horrid abuse.
These days when I am crying and wanting my life to end I just think of my babies, and I know that they need their mummy to fill the food bucket and pint glasses with water.
For those who have not been keeping up, those currently living at Kitty Mansion are... Cleo, Furgal, Stripes, Mailiekkie, Cecil, Jazzy and Hera :o)
It was me and Cleo for a good few years, I had failed relationships and was drinking, smoking and sleeping about, Cleo didnt care, she saw the good in me and never gave up, she was always there. Me and Cleo had a special bond, and it was love me love my cat.. simple really.
I was settled with ex-hubby and we had our first real home when he came home one day with Furgal, she was intended as a playmate for Cleo so she wasn't completly alone during the working day. I didn't get Furgal to the vets intime and she had kittens. I think I will always remember the day she gave birth, she wouldnt leave my side and wanted me there as she popped the little white furries out one by one. While I was at work that evening she had her 5th and final kitten, a lil tabby. Ex hubby and I were agreed we would keep one but could not agree, I wanted the longhaired white girl while he wanted the tabby. We ended up keeping them both so Stripes and Mailiekkie became part of our family.
A few years later my cousin comes down with her kitten who needed a home, I had a home lined up but fell in love straight away, Ex hubby agreed we could keep him as he hadnt seen me smile so much in a long time (I was at my worst with my illness) Exhubby said we had to call the little fella Cecil.
Sadly Ex hubby and I split up, I was left with all 5 cats, no bother to me as I was totally in love with all my babies. Stripes wasn't to keen as she was always daddy's girl. Ex-hubby and I came to the agreement that once he had his own place he would home two of the babies.
Amber and I became a couple and Amber and Spider moved in with me and my brood. Bro moved into Amber's flat and few weeks later moved back in with Shadow and Ashaa.. brother and sister kittens... this took the cat population to 8!!!!! It was mad, cats everywhere and I loved everyminute of their company.
We moved to my current home and settling 8 cats was fun!!! Stripes wasn't too keen on having a new house to start with and had real trouble getting settled. Bro moved out and left me with his two cats. He had never got Ashaa nutered and soon enough Cecil and Ashaa made kittens. When the babies were old enough to go to new homes they did, and a friend who was due to have a kitten but he sadly died, she agreed to re-home Ashaa.
Amber and I split up and she and spider eventually moved out, I still miss them both loads but hay!!!
Shadow by this point was proving to be a pain, such a wonderful kitty who craved loadsa attention, something that I couldnt always give and he hated sharing with the others. In the end I sadly rehomed him, where he could have a one kitty home that he so wanted. 6 cats was also a much more sensible number... I wasn't getting tripped up every 5 minutes and I was struggling with money so one kitty less was good for all of them.
I was on FB about 4 weeks after homing Shadow when a lady was looking for a home for her kitten, I got chatting to her and we agreed that her kitty could come n see if she liked it here.... Duchess never left and was given the new name of Hera. She fitted in well at kitty mansion and I love her dearly.
Over the years I have had so many ups and downs and all of my babies have been there. Some people have given up on me, but NEVER have the kitties, they have never run away and all seem very happy. I always put them before me and when the lonliness bites hard all I have to do is my special kitty whistle and they come running.
Jazzy cat is looking for a new forever home, she is a wonderful kitty but sadly she doesnt like being part of a clowder. I am struggling to re-home her as she is now 5 and she portrays some behaviours left over from a previous home where we suspect horrid abuse.
These days when I am crying and wanting my life to end I just think of my babies, and I know that they need their mummy to fill the food bucket and pint glasses with water.
For those who have not been keeping up, those currently living at Kitty Mansion are... Cleo, Furgal, Stripes, Mailiekkie, Cecil, Jazzy and Hera :o)
Saturday, 14 May 2011
Trying to think positive
For those who follow me on facebook they would have noticed that Ive had a really bad week, I've been feeling bluer than blue. I'm trying hard to think positive which isn't easy when there is a black cloud over yr head, and engulfing your heart and soul.
On a positive note these mood swings are coming less frequently, but this week has made me realise how much I rely on my medication... they dont keep me stable they make me hyper and this good mood that I get is 90% due to the medication.. how do I know this u ask?? I've not had my anti-psychotics for a week and feel pony. The weird thing is that I've hardly had any flashbacks, Ive not been leaving the house much, not much change there and Ive not self harmed since my last post. I've just felt really depressed and very tearful. I've had a lot of vivid dreams and most have been good ones, albeit very bizzare and have a lot of friends in them!!!
One thing that is a massive positive in my life is college, I'm catching up really well, I've had loadsa support, there has been a lot of mis communication and I dont know whether Im coming or going with having to sit my exams but pratically I'm nearly there :)
With regards to Amber my heart is still very much broken....crazy coz I was the one who fucked it all up!!!
Oh well...... I dont want a full on relationship with anyone coz Im too in love with her, but Id love a companion, so Im not so alone. I was not built to be alone......
On a positive note these mood swings are coming less frequently, but this week has made me realise how much I rely on my medication... they dont keep me stable they make me hyper and this good mood that I get is 90% due to the medication.. how do I know this u ask?? I've not had my anti-psychotics for a week and feel pony. The weird thing is that I've hardly had any flashbacks, Ive not been leaving the house much, not much change there and Ive not self harmed since my last post. I've just felt really depressed and very tearful. I've had a lot of vivid dreams and most have been good ones, albeit very bizzare and have a lot of friends in them!!!
One thing that is a massive positive in my life is college, I'm catching up really well, I've had loadsa support, there has been a lot of mis communication and I dont know whether Im coming or going with having to sit my exams but pratically I'm nearly there :)
With regards to Amber my heart is still very much broken....crazy coz I was the one who fucked it all up!!!
Oh well...... I dont want a full on relationship with anyone coz Im too in love with her, but Id love a companion, so Im not so alone. I was not built to be alone......
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Why I self harm..
Due to current self harm (SH) I have been asked by friends why I do it, and the honest answer is, I dont really know. I get a massive build up of emotions and despite all my best efforts of following all the advise and techniques I have learned in therapy and CBT I cant always keep it under check. It builds up so much and there is no release or outlet. In a split second something clicks in my mind and next thing I know I have cuts on my arms or legs. Usually its my arms as these are often bare. When I feel like something is building up I tend to wrap myself up so that my arms are covered. That way if I do hurt myself I dont actually hurt myself.
I know to someone who isn't having head issues all this seems bizzare and beyond comprehension. I hate doing it just as much as I hate feeling like this. But with BPD I have to take the rough with the smooth.
The trouble is when I feel like this I just dont know what to do, I want hugz but hugz from a friend doesnt quite cut it.
I have a deep love for Amber that isn't going away, no matter how hard I try I cant shift these feelings, I have tried burying them but they keep coming back. All I want to do is tell her how I feel and start a fresh with her. The fact that I know I cant eats away at me everyday. When I feel low all I want is to talk to her and have a hug.
Today I went for a haircut with Amber, as usual the end result was fabby, but I wonder if the pain that I felt today is worth it, on my way to the salon all I did was cry, so desperate for Ambers magic touch on my hair as I have always loved what she does and when I sit in that chair I am made to feel like the most important person in the world. But this time I feel that I need to stop going to Diva, as this isn't helping my emotions, but the thought of never going there again breaks my heart. Amber is in my life for that short space of time.
One day I know I will be 'over' this, I just wish it was today. Shut these feelings off and then I can put a strike in another bit 0f my past. Until I am able to that I know I am unable to move on.
I have been given a 2nd chance in most aspects of my life and I wish this was another of those areas, I doubt I will ever give up hope but I so wish I could as I know that these feelings are just eating me up and dont help with my SH, as these feelings just build up like a bubble and then they just burst and all I do is cry and cry.
I know to someone who isn't having head issues all this seems bizzare and beyond comprehension. I hate doing it just as much as I hate feeling like this. But with BPD I have to take the rough with the smooth.
The trouble is when I feel like this I just dont know what to do, I want hugz but hugz from a friend doesnt quite cut it.
I have a deep love for Amber that isn't going away, no matter how hard I try I cant shift these feelings, I have tried burying them but they keep coming back. All I want to do is tell her how I feel and start a fresh with her. The fact that I know I cant eats away at me everyday. When I feel low all I want is to talk to her and have a hug.
Today I went for a haircut with Amber, as usual the end result was fabby, but I wonder if the pain that I felt today is worth it, on my way to the salon all I did was cry, so desperate for Ambers magic touch on my hair as I have always loved what she does and when I sit in that chair I am made to feel like the most important person in the world. But this time I feel that I need to stop going to Diva, as this isn't helping my emotions, but the thought of never going there again breaks my heart. Amber is in my life for that short space of time.
One day I know I will be 'over' this, I just wish it was today. Shut these feelings off and then I can put a strike in another bit 0f my past. Until I am able to that I know I am unable to move on.
I have been given a 2nd chance in most aspects of my life and I wish this was another of those areas, I doubt I will ever give up hope but I so wish I could as I know that these feelings are just eating me up and dont help with my SH, as these feelings just build up like a bubble and then they just burst and all I do is cry and cry.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)