I cant belive I actually did it!!!!! Im chuffed to nuts, I have been clebrating since yesterday when my final assessment got signed off!!! To most they see a college course.. for me it was a massive mountain to climb. There were times when I was so hyper manic I produced my best work, there were times when I couldnt get out of bed let alone go to college. There were times when I went to college on a bad day and had to come home half the way through the day. There were so many times I wanted to quit... I would go home with mind made up... 'Im quitting' and then talk with friends and the next day I would feel better. With 3 months to go I wasnt getting the assessments I needed, it made me feel really shity, I was trying hard but just couldnt get them... this led me to make more mistakes and made me feel worse. I then made the decision to quit. I wrote an email to my tutor and told her I was withdrawing... I just couldnt cope, I was against the clock with NO WAY of completing as I just had to many assessments to pass.The pressure really got to me.
I then got a reply from the head of hairdressing saying it would be a shame for me to withdraw as I was close to the end (yeah rite! I had something like 15 assessments to go!) She suggested I be moved to the Gosport college, it is a real salon and I would gain proper salon experiance.
I agreed to it, thought about it and thought it was a bad idea, but decided to give it a shot.... I had a meeting with Kerri the lecturer at the college salon and I found I only had 9 assessments to go, we drew up an action plan saying that I would be complete by the end of compensation week which ended on the 7th July, then I had my accident and hurt my ankle, putting me out of action for 2 weeks. This put a massive dampner on things, Kerri then went to the head of hairdressing and managed to wangle me a 4 week extension by saying that the salon was open all through the summer holidays. This would give me till the 20th July.
On the 26th June I was in a massive panic as this was my first day down at the salon, I was bricking it really bad, panicked a lot in the morning, was awake really early. I was on text to both Shell and Dee all morning, keeping me occupied.... I took extra calm me down meds and I was off..... Waiting fer the bus all I wanted to do was bolt and hide under my duvet... I was texting Shell random stuff... oooh pretty trees, lines from disney movies and telling her how scared I was. The next thing I knew the bus was in town.... I had forgotten it was market day.... I looked at all the ppl and thought 'oh fuck' I cant do this! In the drizzle and standing sorta outside the salon I had like 2 fags back to back. I then took a deep breath and entered the salon.... Found Kerri and was shaking like a leaf! Mentally I was a train wreck. Lucky for me Anna one of my friends from college was also down the salon and this eased my fears a little as I had a friendly face :)
I somehow managed to pull 2 assessments out the bag, I worked my ass off and I should have been pleased but I felt hopeless. I asked to leave as I was so wobbly. I left the salon and cried.... I had left my kit behind, partly coz I knew it was a reason for me to go back... Kerri and I had agreed to give me weds off.
I got home and realised I couldnt do it.... I had written an email to the hairdressing dept saying that I just couldnt do it, I couldnt cope, withdraw me etc... I saved it thinking Id send it weds morning so as they would see it right away. I spoke to several friends and my Momma Dana advised me to sleep on it. I also spoke with my dear friend Bri who suffers from several health issues and battles each day.
Weds morning I woke up a totally diff person, I was excited fer college the next day, I WANTED to do this. I was rearing to go! So on thurs I got the bus... No need fer tx's today as I was revved up... I was focused, however I was txing Dee and Shell as norm! I got to the salon all psyched.. I was focused on getting at least 2 assessments.... I wanted 2 cuts! In the end I got 3 cuts and a colour :D one of which was a lady off the street haha! once my book had been signed I spoke to Kerri and we both agreed saturday was a good goal for me to be finished.... I needed 3 more assessments.... 2 cuts and a foils which was booked for saturday! Kerri was to be absent on the friday so a different tutor. This had me a little nervous but I knew I could do it, I was pumped to the max.
I was determinded to get those cuts done on the friday.. I put a post on my FB asking friends if they wanted a free hair cut and Karen stepped up :D this would give me one assessment and a catch up with a friend. One cut to go and nothing in the column, so I bit the bullet... went out into the street armed with a pricelist and asked the public if they wanted a haircut. I found one lady and she was more than willing to have a free haircut, I showed her how much of a saving she was making. While I was doing the cut I found out my lady for saturday had cancelled.. I was disheartened but I was not going to give up, Saturday was gonna be last day.... a lady came in for a hair up, I asked her if she was willing to have a colour on saturday... I would get her a discount... I managed to get Katie to agree to 30% off. She was more than willing. So arms punching the air I finished my haircut. I WAS going to finish Sat!
I got home friday and was faced with a problem... I had 4 cutting assignments to right up... I hadnt done them as 1. I hadnt passed the relevant cuts except one and 2. where i was determined to quit I didnt see the point in doing them! lucky for me I had pictures... so I sat down after waiting for my meds to kick in (forgot to take them that morning and was feeling wobbly) Armed with laptop pictures and assessment sheets I sat there and started my first assignment. That finished I had a little break... 2nd one started... the end was in sight I told myself.. I was nearly there.... 2nd one soon finished.... 3rd one started... dinner was cooking.... needed a break, ate dinner, cracked on.... nearly there Taz, keep going girl... have a bottle of lambrini when yas done... you can do it.... 3rd one finished. I had a quick break, then back to it... 4th and last one started, I egged my self on, havin no facebook or yahoo to distract me and ignoring my fone I kept going.... almost there, the wine is chilling... I could do this.... and before I knew it... I was DONE! all assignments finished WAHOO! I then as a precauction looked through my book to make sure I hadnt missed anything and.... I needed to do freaking cornrows.. I HATE cornrows (afro-carribean style plaits) I HATE HATE HATE them shit fook and bollocks needed to do them, I wasnt going to fail coz of stupid plaits! ah well that was my tomorrow planned! Vino time as a reward.. cherry lambrini yummy.
I couldnt sleep too well Friday night, I was too excited, last day had come... I woke at half 5 saturday... did facebook, got dressed n made up, knowing that I was wearing my uniform for the last time! I was buzzing, the worlds biggest smile on my face... I got to college eager fer my client due in at half 9, half 9 came and went... no client... shiiiiiiiiit! she wasnt coming, I wasnt gonna pass.. phoned her and phew! she was stuck in traffic!!! She had come in as a favour so I was determined to do the best I could manage. Me and katie agreed on three colours... I went to mix and fook... needed to dilute the peroxide.. theory came flooding back (cheers Nicci for the boxes on the board) I could do this, I was nearly there... this and those blasted cornrows and Id be done!!!
Did her colour, came out the best Id ever done, I was over the moon, OMGG OMGG OMGG just the cornrows.... but none of the girls would let me do them...... then the B group come in, I grab one of the girls for after my lunch. I did one plait, shit this looks bad I thought, keep going taz do the next one... this looks a bit better, keep going yr a few plaits away from the end.... keep swimming, just keep swimming as Shell tells me! I finished them... just had to pass... show katie and.... 'they need to be longer' shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! back to my station I went, undid the first 3 and re did them... stuff it wont do no more i thought..... back to Katie and......... PASS!!!!!!!! that was it DONE DID!!!!!!! sheets and books signed, all i had to do was pack up and get out of there... I needed to tell ppls!
bags collected I was out the door, I was shaking with joy, I was soooooooo pleased, proud of myself, I had over come it all I had QUALIFIED!!!!! First thing I did was spark a fag and get on the fone to Dee! I think I practically blew her ear off! I was soo pleased and releived.... after that emotional call texting time... shell first, then Nicci my tutor, then parents and aunt cherry then a few friends who had kept me going. Replys were coming in........ none off shell... weird I thought, she wanted to know... got on the bus home... smiling like the cheshire cat, still shaking..... still no reply from Shell... so I called her... blew her and finns ears off, shouting it out on the bus... the ppl must have thought me crazy!
I got home, straight on the puter... status up, thanking everyone for their support and encoragement.... into RMX chatroom username changed to Tazzy Qualified!!! I was shouting it from the roof tops!!! My Facebook went nuts..... tried to call my dad, no response.. weird... whats going on I thought... got a text from dad later in the day, they had been out. Aunty Cherry had told my mom and she foned me in the evening giving me 'gratulations' and wanting to buy me a pressie!!!!! 'No mum its fine' but some clips would be nice, I have lost all mine!!!! started the week with 8 ended with none!! bloody things!
I then called my Lo.... no answer... geez ppl I have good news here answer ME!!!! Lo I caught a few hours later, I screamed down the fone at her, we had a giggle... it didnt help that i was 2 n half bottles of lambrini down LOL! we hada chat and stuff. Checked my FB my profile was going nuts... so many likes and well dones!!!!! I was beaming... I was celebrating, I was in such a hyper..... In RMX I was running around arms in the air, chatting to Dee and drinking wine with Shell over the net!!!!
I started my 4th bottle of lambrini, another cherry one.... by now I was getting drunk.. didnt care that i would have a bad head sunday, I was celebrating..... went to bed at like 3am!!!!
Woke up sunday at like 10 with a call from Dee, wide awake I was all chipper... not a fuzzy in sight.... I wanted fuzzys i wanted to be like a student, feeling sorry for myself!!!! Didnt happen, just a furry mouth that was cured my coffee and orange juice!. As I type this I STILL cant believe I did it, Im over the moon, I climbed the mountain and now Im at the top Im shouting it to the world!!!! Having BPD and Bipolar DOESNT mean u cant reach the stars, it means the journey will be harder but the rewards are so worth it.
Im now a hairdresser, so the only thing left to say... who wants a haircut?? :o)
I often go through my friends list and delete people off it, those who are negative or those who I dont talk too. Well today I went through my facebook pics, I deleted wedding pics, pics of ex's and pics of past events with old friends and 'family'
I was raring to go at first, the further I got the sadder I felt, these people were a part of my life. I have to admit I know this was the right decison, I have moved on with my life. Looking at the pictures reminded me of bad choices I had made by not listening to myself and listening to others around me.
It was strange looking at pics of me and ex-hubby, it doesnt feel like a different life, more like a different person. Im no longer that girl that met him 10 years ago. I am no longer hiding who I am and Im no longer fighting as many deamons as I was.
From that time period I have one friend left, Ms Shell. She is amazing and we are closer than ever. I dont see her as being part of that past more as being apart of my future.
I also deleted pictures of weddings, one of which was ex-hubbys aunty's wedding, again a time id like to forget and the other was a 'friend' who's marriage has since broken down.
I also deleted my wedding pics. I know up in my loft I have my wedding bouquet and a few other bits. I am now ready to let them all go... but its getting up in my loft to do so! I knew before I couldnt let go but now I can. I am entering a new chapter in my life. Divorce is on the horizon and I have a wonderful woman in my life.
I also need to delete some 'friends' off facebook, these ppl have no place in my future, strange thing is I have friends on facebook that I rarely speak to but they check on my wall, read my updates and read my blog. They are real friends!!!! there are those who i speak to on a regular basis that I dont class as friends yet... Im hoping they will become so as they are lovely people.
Facebook for me has been a weird place. sometimes I post nothing but cryptic messages and ppls get worried, sometimes I post too much info and ppl get worried or I get back lash. Sometimes I am the true me and well people are either shocked or weirded out by it. There are many sides to me.... some of it isnt very vanilla but I dont care. People on facebook can judge me as they wish.
A while ago I deleted ALL family members off my facebook except my brother and sister. Since then life has been less complicated!!!!
I am not one to moan... much! but this last week has been turbulant! Id give eastenders a run for its money! For those who pay attention, my last blog post mentioning ppl actually started out as a suicide note... I was in that bad of a place :(
Anyways..... The last week.....
Liars.... well a few ppl fall into this category, the first one is the Wildcat, lying about all sorts of things more details will follow laters. The next liar is a so called 'Friend' trying to interfere in my life and denying it.. guess what... Im not stupid and I get told all sorts of things!!!!
Cheaters..... only one person fits this category... the Canadian Wildcat... apparantly madly in love with me.. at the start of the 'relationship' she is fooling about with both men and women, this she confirmed on the fone. Also she spends less time chatting to me and hanging out with her 'friend' blonde bimbo. I tell her she needs to talk to me about this, I get nothing in response so tell her its over. A week later I find out blonde bimbo has dropped her for what ever reason and the next day I get a text off her.... I tell her I spent 2 days crying over her, I was heartbroken and that its well and truley over.... nuff sed I have moved on from that... I dont need shit like that in my life.
Lovers.... this may seem bizarre and fast moving fer some to believe and I will need to start this from the beginning.... Dee is a friend of mine, we chat now and then, I love talking to her, she makes me smile and is there for me when I need her! Well she was with the wildcat first. The wildcat splits with her, I get with the wildcat and well there is nothing but DRAMA!!! i lost a very close friend :( and I was gutted I made such a stupid mistake :( well me and the Wildcat split up (WAHOOOO! I hear ppls say!) and well Dee and I unite in heartache... we have a bitch fest and declare things are forgotten and we can move on. I leave it at that. I go to sleep and the next day... Dee is the only one on my mind, the first thing I thought of when I woke up... yups even b4 coffee!!! well we get talking, skyping and speak for hours... and b4 we know it we are telling each other we love each other... it comes from no where, a massive shock to my system as well. Im fresh from a weird virtual relationship, she (wildcat) is not even in my mind and its like WOW! I really do love this person, I wana be with her. We agree we will take things slowly slowly. See how things pan out.... and since then we have spoken everyday, be it by yahoo, text, facebook or skype. As of today she is coming to visit in 10 days WAHOOOOOOOOO!
I cant wait to finally meet her, we know so much about each other and I know when she comes down I wont want her to leave. I can really talk to Dee, usually I find it hard to open up to someone face to face and I find myself sharing things with her over video, some things I have never shared with anyone. Have I found 'the one' with Dee, the answer is its too early to tell but Im already visioning a future :) I will say one thing... Dee get ur funking ass down here so I can hold you in my arms... its been a long time a coming!!!!
in other news.....
I have rekindled some old friendships and made some new ones... all RMX (Rainbow Mix Radio) crew.... I dont get out much... stoopid agraphobia, but OMGG what a laugh we have in the chatroom, the main topic atm is food and sex... wet noodles, tipless sausages and cucumber to say the very least!!!!! I have also found myself falling in love with the station, the people are ace. The Dj's awesome (bar one!) and the fact its live and you can make Dj's stutter and things with our antics is awesome. Thank you Ms Karen for thinking up the brain child :o)
Okies, Ive waffled long enuf, more at a later date.. most probs icky mushy stuff as well Im in it fer the long haul with my angel :o) x
Sadly since my Last post Gracey has died. I went to change his bed on the Sunday and he was laying curled up and riga had set in, its very sad and kinda ironic that he died to weeks after my Gracey. I was very sad and annoyed as I only appopted him a week before, so a trip to pets at home to complain, the assisstant was puzzled and let me have a replacement, so I choose two Chinese Dwarf hammys, they are female and I named them Onyx and Eddie. A couple of days later S2 offered to run me down to pets as she was going that way, I needed some cat supplies, we arrived and guess what... A roborosovski dwarf hamster was up for adoption and he came with a cage, I made a donation as I was unable to leave him there. When I went to the check out he also came with food, bedding, sawdust and a mini ball. All I had to do was find a home for his cage, He came with the Name Dick but I renamed him to Marble.
On Monday I needed to go to QA Hossy for my pre operative assessment, S2 was meant to come with me, however she was full of cold and as I couldnt find another person to go with me I had to go alone... I was bricking it loads. I popped some extra calm me downs and bit the bullet. I had to be there for 9am and looked at bus times etc and found that Id have to leave at 6am and have a lot of waiting around in places and think and panic so I ordered a cab, the cab driver was a lovely lady and more than patient listening to my nervous babble. I arrived at the hossy with less than half n hour to spare, puffing on 2 cigs and then I had to walk what seemed like a million miles across the hossy I got to D ward. I explained about my panics to the receptionist and didnt have to wait too long to see the nurse. I was weighed and measured, My weight has gone down by 6kg which means my BMI has decreased :o) My Heart rate was 120 BPM and my BP a little lower than normal. I then had to see the Doctor due regarding my medications and my BPD and the effect my operation will have on me mentally. After this meeting I was told I had to go for an ECG due to the high HR then a visit to the vampires to get bloods done this raised the anxiety levels through the roof and I got so worked up I was sick :o( the vampires only took 4 tubes, which is nice compared to the normal 6 I have to give when they check on how my meds are affecting me. After all that and 3 hours in the hossy I was free to go :o) I practically ran to the bus stop and as soon as I got on the bus I was straight on my fone, answering several messages and this kept me occupied during the bus ride. On the bus I was able to put panic bear in my pocket (he was being squished all the way to the hossy and while I was in there!)
I got to Fareham and was desperate for something to eat, grabbing a jacket spud I decided to find a bench and eat in the sun, I was feeling a little bewildered, it hadn't quite sunk in what I'd achieved.
Hi everyone, you may find a seperate post under your name so please check...
Dad and mum despite everything you have been there thru some of my toughest moments. I know you sometimes feel that I dont appricate you, but I do, I go ages without speaking to you as I dont want you to see me when Im down as I feel like I have been a massive disapointment as a daughter. I have noticed when we speak on the fone you never say 'love you' these two words have been missing a lot from my life and the last time we spoke not hearing them cut my heart deeper than you will ever know.
Dan and Joshua A girl could not ask for 2 better brothers, I love you both dearly and would die protecting you. I feel that I havent been there for you both, either when u needed me most or just to be a sister.
Mom 12 long years I had you missing from my life. To save myself pain I made myself think you hated me and that I hated you. The day I found out you had been 'rescued' by Cherry, Steve and Jim I was able to let go of these feelings and admit that I never stopped loving you and always wanted my mom. Over the years there had been many a time when I wanted my Mom and no-one else.... these feelings I quashed. But I am more than happy to have you back in my life.
Shell I cant believe ive known you for like 10 years, it feels like a lifetime. I could not have asked for a better best friend and sister. I love you deeply and you have always been there. I have done my best to be there for you as well. you and Finn have given me a wonderful neece and nefoo, you's being in Ireland means I cant see you but I think about you all the time.
Lo Gracie brought us together as she knew we would be close. I would NEVER come between you and Brian its not in my nature to do something like that. Im sorry my facebook posts made brian think like this. To stop this from happening in the future I have deleted you both from my account (dont know if you have noticed yet) Pressing the remove from friends button was tough, it hurt like a knife thru the heart but I know its for the best. I love you baby girl, you'll always be my best girl
Wildcat RMX was how we met and I also got some fantastic friends from it. rightly or wrongly I listented to ppl, what I heard broke my heart. I know your going through a real tough time at the moment and I wanted to hold your hand across the miles. I love you deeply and wish to giha that we can sort thru these issues, but Im guessing its too late to do so now. I am not sorry for the hours I spent talking to you on the net and phone. Im not sorry for waiting up till stupid o clock and listening to your shows. You make my life brighter. I love you more than words can say and more than I can ever show you.
My family huh! I spent a lot of time apart from a lot of you. I tried to repair damage that was done from missing years as a child. but the damage had been done.... things were too deep seeded to repair and I feel as if I was forgotten.. not even a christmas card.
My friends Friends are the family you choose for yourself... I have the best, craziest, wildest bunch of nutters for friends anyone could ever ask for. A lot of you have been there at my toughest moments. laughing with me, laughing at me, wiping my tears and holding my hand when needed. you have all been wonderful and I love you all so very much.
Cleo for 11 years you have been my kitty cat, the best companion I could have asked for. Greeting me when I come home, sitting with me and not leaving my side through the moments when I was alone. Many a time I thought of ending it all but to think of you as an orphan made me realise I had to keep fighting my battles. You need me as much as I need you.
OMGG things are looking up so much!!!
I have a new wonderful girl in my life, the Rock Diva Wildcat Danica, she lives in Canada which sucks but somehow we muddle through the distance, I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship, I am for the first time in love. We talk on the fone and Yahoooooooooo everyday, when I log on and she isnt there my heart sinks. I cant wait till my trip to Canada in just a few very short few weeks :)
I could ramble for hours about my Wildcat but I dont want to bore my dear readers with mush!!!!
My other bit of good news... I have a lil voluntary job in a hairdressers called Swytches, it is the most amazing salon, my boss Annie is understanding and accepting of my MH issues and I feel like I have landed on my feet there :)
My bestest news however..... After 12 long years I have my Mom back :D I have blocked all feelings and emotions I had for her deep deep down as I knew I would only get hurt. I have learnt a lot over the last 48 hours.... My Mom has learning difficulties and has trouble understanding... My abuser uncle has had her trapped since the day we moved to Gosport 20 years ago and since the day we moved he has abused her mentally. I was young and knew no better, when I was 15 I moved into care and was free, at the time I didnt care as she hurt me with words that I now know where not her own. She was manipulated all this time. My Mom was hurting all this time and I was powerless to help as my abuser uncle was released from prison back to her house 6 years ago... why the FUCK was an abuser allowed to live with a vulnerable person I dont know.... social services stink and I WILL be complaining to them about all this!!!
I found out from my Aunty Cherry that she was also being phyisically abused in the later years... he would drink and take it out on my mom, strangling her and knocking teeth out and STILL nothing was done. My Mom was scared to do anything but last weekend when my aunt and uncle Jim had decided something had to be done after having her in tears saying she was scared they came down from Devon to Gosport to rescue her. On the day they said nothing so as to protect her. She met them and told them she had to leave.... she took the first steps to freedom, she is now safe in Devon and having a whale of a time. The reason as to why I know all this is because my Aunt wrote to me and was smart enough to give me her fone number... which I lost last year when my fone was stolen!!!
I picked up the fone and spoke to Cherry and with my heart pounding I asked to speak to my Mom. I was so nervous but I felt amazing speaking to her, I had to speak slowly and clearly and give her time to digest what I was saying as well.... sometimes I had to repeat myself but for the first time since I was a child I didnt mind doing so
She told me how she is getting new clothes, new house in a supported living type programme, how she has joined the library and is getting books to help her with her reading, she has an appointment at the hairdressers for some highlights which is something she hasnt had done in a long time. My aunt has been talking to social services and Mom will be getting some therapy to help cope with the trauma she has endured.
My mom seems so happy now, when I spoke to her again today I heard her laugh and we talked about all sorts of girl stuff. She also said she was sad about the last 12 years and wasnt allowed to even speak my name. The last thing she said to me on the phone was 'I love you round the world and back' that is the first time I have heard her say that since I was about 13!!!!!!!
I now feel normal again, I have my mom... yes she is special and not like a normal mom but she is my mom and I have always loved her and wished to have her back in my life.
I can now do what I have meant to do and look after her and support her for the rest of her life.
I love you Mom and am so happy to have you back :)
My aunty Cherry and Uncle Jim I can never thank enough, they have given me the most amazing gift in the world!!!!
