Festivities Begin

This year sees the festivities starting early, On Friday my mom came down for a visit and I did her hair. Gemma cooked us a lovely meal and we spent the evening with the telly off enjoying chatting n relaxing. 


Saturday we left later than planned for our trip north, having a pitstop in London to drop my mom off and say hey to Dad and Joshua, it was a surprise for them both and a 5 min stop ended up being 2 hours. This meant we was late getting to Kingswinford, Momma Hodgkiss was very welcoming and we had a chinese, 6 of us around the table, Me, Gemma, Momma H Pappa H, Chris and Steven here! a few pressies were exchanged after dinner and the evening was spent chilling and chatting. Me and Gemz had to drop Steven here! back in Bromsgrove and fell in to a very comfy bed not long after midnight. Momma H had put lil gifts on the pillows, sweeties and water by the bed. She had gone to a lot of effort and Gemz and I were bowled over..... No piccys were taken as I forgot to get my Camera out!


Sunday was a mid morning start to travel to Woking to see Bro n Mel. The journey south felt like a long one but it was comfy, I put my seat back and put my feet up on the dash!!!!!! Pooh was safely belted in the back and spent the journey asleep, I had a lil doze and Gemz made good time thanks to light traffic :D 


Bro was at work so while Gemz snoozed Mel and I walked into town, getting caught in a heavy hail storm, I was grateful for my Santa hat! We ventured to expensive places... pound land for batteries and a nosey in Primark... managed to find some daft lil pressies for Gemz. 


Dan decided that we were going to have a lil party thing, so he put on nibbles and drinkies, we had music playing on tv, drinkies and chats. Was entertaining to see Gerry getting very drunk!!!!!

Monday saw us leave Woking for Woolwich (SE London) again traffic was light but Gemz missed her turning and we ended up stuck in London traffic, going thru Peckham and places.... over an hour in traffic battling for road space and being extremely bored and frustrated, I have no idea how ppl find living in all that fun!


Got to my parents house and had a warming cuppa or two before meeting Joshua from school, he didnt know I was coming so was a surprise to see sister and not his mum! Me and Joshua played while dinner was prepared, I had fun with my baby bro, messing about and writing Christmas cards. My Mom went to a lot of effort to make the table look nice, bringing out the posh stuff!!!

My dad had decorated the tree and brought out my angel... it was made for my first Christmas and he still brings it out, I love the lil touches like that and the angel brought a tear to my eye!

After dinner we exchanged some pressies, I love my pressies from my parents (new slippers and socks) Xmas design ofc :D Joshua made me open his and I had a pencil case and pens, he chose and wrapped it his self and I was bowled over. The sock friends seemed to go down a treat too with Joshua not letting go of his!!!!!!


Leaving London later than planned we got home at 1o.30pm I had a snooze and Gemz put her foot down!!!!!! 


It was a wonderful weekend and I wanted to share it with you all. I am dissapointed so little time was spent with each person, but at least we saw family. 

I am also grateful for both sets of parents making us both feel so welcome into their lives and family, this weekend we really felt the love! 


Christmas for me has already started and I know that it will be a good one, Im all prepared and I have none of the pressures (not that I did before!!) and I cant wait to enjoy this Christmas with my pets and Ofc Gemma 

xXx

'walk the dog'

This was the advice given to me by the Hewat Centre, my local CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) in case you were wondering! I got this advice on Thursday and guess what?? my mood hasn't improved much... wonder why?? this is because I walk my dog!! OK I admit I dont walk him every single day coz I cant face going out everyday, but if Im not walking Max Im playing ball with him. I enjoy spending time with Max as he does lift my mood but at the end of the day not enough to keep me laughing everyday. 

I know exercise raises happy levels but they dont raise my levels enuf to be at 'normal' levels of happy. I have to take meds and my meds no longer seem to be working, why cant they just see that?? It could be that I have the winter blues, but it could be that Im just going through a slump in mood.... either way 'walking the dog' is not going to help me. Im still self harming and Im still emotional, if im not wanting to bawl my eyes out Im feeling angry!!! 


I do my best, like today for example, I didnt really want to go in, but I did it.... I went in, I painted on a smile and Im proud of myself for doing so. I really need to go back to the Hewat Centre as I have not really seen any improvement, Im sleeping what feels like a million hours a day. Including a nap, which is something I've not normally done, the last time I slept like this and felt like this I was heading towards my breakdown. Im determined not to go down that route again but how can it be avoided when the Duty CPN (Community Psych Nurse) do nothing to help??


On a positive note Gemma has been wonderful, I am able to talk to her, if I cant talk to her face coz it feels to painful I talk to her via the computer, using IM, usually Facebook :) Weird you may think? but for me who isnt a big talker IMing is much easier, I cant see the persons face! Max has been brill too, he is often there for me, offering a paw when I feel sad, he knows when his Mummy is sad and will sit on my lap (no mean feat for an overweight Springer Spaniel) He also gives me kisses and asks for 'please' when he knows im really sad the 'please' is for fusses and cuddles, and I mean cuddles, I wrap my arms around him and his tail goes bonkers!!! Gemma is always there if I need a hugz, the only problem she has is if Im feeling really sad she asks if I wana hugz, I normally say 'No' as I wana be left alone but inside Im screaming out for a hugz... poor Gemz dont know if she's coming or going!!! 

My parents have hardly contacted me... when I get round to calling them I know they will say well you havnt called us in a while... guess what, they have phones too!!!! 


On another positive I want to thank all my friends who have been there for me, they have been so supportive and even those who I didn't think I was particularly close to have been supportive THANK YOU GUYS N DOLLS :o) 

A little update

Yes people I am still alive, its been ages! I have missed you all and I have loads I can waffle on about but I will do it in as small amount of waffle as possible..... some other time :)


I have had a week of down emotions and self harming, I went to Hewat Centre on thursday and their advice was to walk the dog! great advice huh?? I then got told if Im no better by Monday to go back, but to be honest, Ive not gone back as Im guessing the advice will be just as helpful! I have an appt tomorrow with Mel and Lola at college tomorrow and I will see what she suggests


I had a tooth out about 45 mins ago, Im in pain as the injection is wearing off.... I had an extra root... wonder how common that is?? 


See ya laters x

Some crap I need to off load!

I dont know how much I will divulge here but I think I will just type and see where it goes.... Most people think I have it together and Im coping well as Im loud, outgoing bubbly and all that stuff. But inside Im broken, just like my family. My Dad, step mom and baby bro live in London which is only 80 miles from me but I miss them so very much. My lil bro Dan lives in woking which is 70 Miles away and I miss him everyday. My biological egg donor Pauline lives 2 miles away from me and I havent spoken to her in 12 years! and I dont miss her one Iota... well I miss my mom of old but she died a long time ago, she is gone and Ive done the mourning for that. Pauline lives with Lou. She wants me in her life but all the while HE is alive I want nothing to do with her... HE is the one that broke my family, HE ripped us from my Daddy and all the good times. HE is the one that waiting and prayed for my nan to die HE was the one that made us loose contact with ALL my family. HE was the one who wouldnt allow me any friends. HE is the one that made me HATE Dan growing up and HE was the one who groomed and sexually abused me for 6 years. While the sexual abuse was going on Pauline knew about it and did nothing, SHE turned on me, her own daughter and SHE played with my mind. I was made to think I was bad, naughty and she would shout at me, scream at me and occasionally hit me. SHE is mentally retarded with the mind of a 12 year old, she didnt have the mental capacity to look after me or protect me and HE knew this, HE knew that we were a family HE could control. Even at the age of 11 I would fight back, protecting my brother from everyone except myself. I would 'play' games with him that would end with him getting hurt, I would make him cry and brake his toys. I am so ashamed of how I treated my lil bro but I was a child I remind myself.... I knew nothing else as all the love in the house had gone.

I tried to hide at school, being bright and bubbly and outgoing, I wasnt popular or in the in-crowd but I was popular with my friends and fiercly defensive. I was a freak, I wore old fashioned clothes, I ddnt wear make up and I was a scruff bag... by the time I knew how to look after myself it was no good, I was given the label of skank and some people would avoid me!

I begun to self harm at the age of 11 I think, not cutting but I would neglect myself, washing only when necessary... I was scared to have a bath or shower as I always had a visitor to 'wash my back' and other places. I was given a lock on my bedroom door 'to keep Pauline out' so I could do my school work and I would lock HIM out but he would shout at me, how DARE I keep him out... If I locked him out he couldnt get to me and he didnt like it... HE needed to control me, but I tried to fight. HE tried to stop the contact with my Daddy and for 3 years or so I didnt see him, I had letters that were sent Via a solicitor, I felt violated, someone had read them before I got the chance to. I so wish I still had them letters as I kept them safe and would look at them often. My daddy told me he loved me and I longed for them words.....

I was allowed friends but not allowed to get close to them.. if I was seen to be getting close to someone I was banned from seeing them, I guess HE was afraid of the secrets coming out and loosing control. 

At the Age of 15something in me snapped, Id lied and told peple everything at home was ok, Id hidden away and had learnt to depend on myself. I told some of my secrets to a friend and she helped me escape... The police and social services became involved and I was finally free... I was put into care, and for the first time in a long time I was able to smile and mean it.... Inside I still kept a lot hidden, some of it because I was ashamed, some because I had blocked it out and had no memory of it. My case went to court and HE was sent to prison, a small amount of justice for what HE had done to me and my family. My dad and step mom stuck by me and came to court, supprorting me and loving me as best as I would let them. SHE took his side and called me a liar and a whore.. SHE blamed me and SHE still does. 

I was worried about Dan, I didnt want him being subject to abuse and I felt powerless. Before the court case Dan was finally put into care and safe from the environment. I was happier and I was finally able to see my brother. I loved him dearly and as his big sister I had to protect him. 

I did my GCSE's and came out with pretty good grades, I went to 6th Form and came out with 3 C's at A-level... despite the odds I felt I had achieved something, It wasnt really what I wanted to do but I was able to stick two fingers up at HIM and say 'Huh, u didnt fully brake me' By this time I was drinking heavily, blotting out the pain I was feeling, I had no self worth and was throwing my self at everyone. I dont know when I first cut but it felt good. It was a release for me. I didnt do it often and always blamed my cat.. Cleo and I were close, she was my baby and no matter how bad I was or how head fucked I was Cleo was there to let me fuss her and purring. When I was with Cleo I felt happy, I could tell her some of my fears, but to be honest I didnt know what I was scared of... I was dead inside and full of so much hate and anger.

Because on the outside I was bright and breezy no one knew I was crying and asking for help. No one thought to sit down with me and see how I was really feeling..... I tried counselling but it was useless, I couldnt open up, I was scared of what I would find, so I suffered in silence. I carried on drinking and hoping I would die. Then I met Ian, he showed me love and support. I was shown life could be good so I stopped the drinking, talked to him a bit and stuffed all the horrible stuff in pandoras box and forgot about it. 

I was reasonably happy, I was still depressed and had more counsilling and more meds.. I was on and off Ad's more often than I care to think about. I drifted through life, mundane jobs, friends and the odd party. Drink was still my enemy, when I drank I would drink and drink and drink... as I still felt pain. I would write in my journal but not what I wanted to as I feared it would be read. I got a job in finance, nothing special, it was boring dull and high pressured.... this job caused me to snap. Pandoras box flew open and I was over whelmed with emotion, years of pain came gushing out. I was screaming for help, broke down and attacked my arms with a razor.... Memories came flooding back and the voices were getting louder and louder untill they were screams in my head. I couldnt stop it so I cut and cut and cut... the blood ran warm and I felt as if years of pain and dirt was leaving my body.

The doctors uped my medication and referred me to the MHT but I had to wait and wait and wait... I was told I was most likely bi-polar as my moods were up and down... I sunk into a deep depression, I no longer wanted my husband (Ian and I married in 2008) I couldnt bare him touching me, even a stroke of the arm. but strangely I craved hugs as when he hugged me I felt safe. I found comfort in winnie the pooh, during an episode pooh and friends would calm me down, I had pooh music on my fone and would have it on a loop.. I would cuddle my pooh bear and wrap up as tight as I could in a blanket. This is something I still do and have to take pooh to bed and snuggle up with pooh.

By the time it was finally my turn to see the CMHT I had left Ian, I was in a realtionship with a transexual, I was happier as I was no longer stifled, As wonderful as Ian was there was an element of control, I couldnt go out without a million calls and texts and had to do a deep account of what Id been up too when I got home.

Damion/Amber was a massive support, forcing me to do things that were just outside my comfort zone such as going to the shop. Unlike Ian, Amber would not let me wallow and gave me the incentive to fight these deamons.....  I did a nail course and became a nail tech, I was working in Ambers Salon and despite the horrendous panic attacks I loved it.... I found new friends and re-connected with old ones, I always said Id never like Salon life... but I proved myself wrong... September 2010 I started at college to train to be a hairdresser, I loved college and made friends. there were pressures tho and I had to transfer classes and had 3 months off college.. I was gonna give up but I was pushed by college to finish the first year, I was told I wouldnt be able to do the 2nd year but by the time I went back I was hungry for more, I did extra classes to catch up and saw the nurse at college regularly for my MH... I was overjoyed when I was told I could go back for my 2nd year!!!!

Amber and I split up as I pushed her away and couldnt handle a realtionship... May 2011 saw me and Gemma get together, I have no idea where we will end up but at the moment I am pretty settled. I am still at college and loving it more than ever. My medication is stable and I have more hypers than depressive states. When it all gets to much I still cut as this is a release. I still feel pain and I still have flashbacks but I feel in control more now than I ever did, I am actually starting to plan MY future... I want to do my level 3 hairdressing and have already applied for this. I have a HOME a proper HOME which is HOME and Im making it such. I have my beautiful babies (pets) and Cleo is still here, holding my paw through the good and bad.

I smoke a lot, addiction is the main one here but also I smoke a lot to harm myself.... 

My biggest fear is that my medication just numbs me and once they start to reduce the dosage because I seem 'cured' will I go back down hill... will everything come flooding back and will I end up breaking down again... Since 2009 I have done so much work on myself and it has been the roughest road I have ever walked but I am starting to see the sunshine and for the first time in my life I feel happy and that I am worth something. 

I guess this is a happy ending but for me I dont think there will ever be an end, I will always battle my demons but I am determined to win the war.. I may loose a few battles along the way but Im determined to not let HIM win... I was a broken child from a broken home but I am determined to not be a broken adult... just chipped and cracked....

Hitting rock bottom

I've not blogged in a while, had some intresting things to post but never seemed to get round to it! right now things couldnt be much worse....
1) Housemate looses her job
2) the Bug we acquired is deader than dead
3) there is a possibility that we are going to be homeless..... let me explain...... when I first moved to where I am now the HB was paid direct to me, this went direct into my bank account, this meant it was swallowed up by direct debits b4 I could pay it on, then HB  was getting paid at too high a rate so HB was lowered to cover the pay back and I had to make up the difference, this was too high a rate for me to afford, despite me saying this the Housing assossiation took it to court and I was ordered to pay £3 something per week plus the shortfall, for a weekly payment this was still too much but I paid what I could afford. In June my HB was suspended as some berk who I don't even know decided to tell HB that I was working full time and that I had lodgers.... I didn't have either of these factors... HB then decided to look right back over my claim and my old flat was mentioned AGAIN!!! it was meant to have been sold to the HA as part of the rowner renewal project but in the end the bank re-possessed it as there was no way I could pay the mortgage. After speaking to HB yesterday they finally told me they want to see a statement of sale (which doesn't exist as it was re-possessed and not sold) despite telling them this they are adamant they can not process my claim until they have said statement. Due to the HB not being paid this has added to the arrears and now the HA have applied to court for us to be evicted..... this is meant to happen on the 6th September (Tuesday) unless we come up with the £1670 they are asking for... this is not going to happen as we don't have this kind of money, So I have to apply for a suspension of eviction... this I am to do on Monday and then to wait for a hearing date. Friends and family have been ever so good sending good wishes and offering mountains of advice and support.


This as you could imagine is playing havoc with my MH.... yesterday I slept a lot and was rather hot all day. Eating only enough to make sure I had food in my belly and also ended up self harming!! I have so many things to write down to take to the court when we have a hearing that I don't know where to start.... Due to my MH if we are made homeless I should be housed as the council have a duty of care... this does nothing for me really as I will be lifted from my home, without my babies and all alone! Whether Gemma can come with me is  something I don't know. As a precaution I am trying to find foster homes for them but as of yet no helpers for these beautiful cats. 


On top of all this shit Gemma had her bank card frauded so that has been stopped 


Seeing all this stuff listed it doesnt seem possible that it can happen to one household but believe me dear reader this is how it is and I doubt things will get any easier in time!!!!

Us

Well Gemma is here :o) she and Max have been here a week. The day she arrived we didn't go to bed till 7am as we seemed to have so much to talk about, the main topic of convo was LGBT coz I'm a nosy cow and wanted to know all about her transiston. By knowing a lot I know how best to support her.

Max has settled really well and we are getting on fabby. Having lots of cuddles and walkies. The downside to having a dog..... scooping the poops!!!! mind with all the cats Im used to that, remembering to take baggies with me on walks is more of a challenge, so now poopy bags are with his lead. 

Gemz and I have done the usual couple stuff... massages, painting toe nails sharing the chores and snuggles on the sofa with candle light. I could go on for hours about mushy stuff but Im no 'Mills and Boon'  writer. 

Since Gemz has been here Im spending less time on my puter which is a good thing but that means less time chatting to C and D and I miss them loads. S and T2 have been on hols and I've missed chatting to S too..... Im such a soppy cow!!

Bro and M2 came for a visit and they love Gemz almost as much as I do :o) downside is that they were talking about Horror movies so I jus sat in the corner twiddling me thumbs as I hate HATE horror and have seen 2 horror movies in my whole life!!!!

Moods have been a bit uppy downy :( wish I had more control of them, but Gemz has been fabby, giving my cuddles when needed and giving me space when asked.... the trouble comes when I dont know if I want cuddles or space, so I go quiet and jus sit.....

Since Max moved in Ive not had any Cleo cuddles :( but she isnt used to a Maxster yet but she is getting there and seems to have forgiven me for allowing a black n white monster into the home. 

Oh and we acquired a new kitty.... 6 week old Demitri or Demi, he is far to young to be away from mummy but loves his new mummies and I dont think he will be re-homed, which was my original plan!!!!!!!!!! 

Life as a borderline

Life as a borderline sucks... one minute Im up and the next Im down. I long for the day Im more stable..... mind this past week I have learned how much I depend on my medications... On tuesday I took what was my last pills, I became very ill as the meds worked their way out of my system, Thursday I have no idea how I got through the day, I was a dribbling babbling mess, One minute I was bawling my eyes out, then I felt ill then I was so hyper I dont think anyone understood what I was talking about!! By friday I was craving my medication so bad I knew that I had to get some...  a bit like a drug addict I suppose, except my addiction is prescribed meds. The only way I was able to get what I needed was to get an emergancy appointment. But on Friday when I held my prescription in my hand I was so relieved. Thursday I really scared myself. I didnt really know what I was doing and I felt like crap.

Mind this weekend I was looking forward to as I was doggy sitting, My friends dog Max. He is a massive cutey and I loved having him. We went for a nice long beach walk and despite the wind I had fun, I hope I can dog sit again.

The purpose of this post, the life of a Borderline... It doesnt take much to knock me down, and it doesnt take much to lift me up... I was happy coz I had the weekend with a dog! and this evening I feel empty inside as I feel alone. I could ramble for hours but this wont solve anything, so I am going to cuddle with G-bear and I know that he will make me feel better (aventually) :o)

Looking up??

WOW! what a difference a day makes... well more than a day actually... here is an outline for you dear reader...

College; well my extra classes have paid off, I have finished all of my work three weeks early :) Though I need to now chase my tutors for signatures in my books and chase my personal tutor for all my work books. I am so chuffed that I have done all my work as I have worked my butt off since just before Easter. Doing long days and extra classes has been hard work, however it has not made up for all the time I had off. Though I am loving my thursday evening class as it is a small group and Tracey trusts me enough to get on with things. 

Gemma; Wow! We have become so close over the last few weeks and have been a couple for 3 weeks or so, I feel like a loved up teenager. She is so lovely and I have thrown all my faults at her and she is still here :o) I have heard so much admiration for her, like me she has issues but hasnt run away from me. I hope that in time I am able to right many a blog about us as I see a rosy future for us. Do I think she is 'the one' I have no idea, but I pray to Gaia that she is, despite the miles (220) between us we have so many things in common and I thrive for our chats. 

 
My BPD; Meh, getting there, have my ups and downs and I have been fighting to stay positive. I self harmed a week ago, I havnt done it since, though I have wanted to... I am fed up with receiving pity, I dont do it for attention, I do it because I cant cope. Im not proud of it, and I hate all my scars. I just wish when I reach that point there was another way I could let off the steam and release all the pain. 


My parents; gosh, I could write a book here. I love my parents to pieces but I know I have let them down. I keep so much from them. If they were to read this blog I know they would banish me to goddess knows where!! As far as Im aware they are very straight laced and dont agree with the LGBT world... so they are going to 'love' me as I have come to terms with the fact that I am a bi-sexual lesbian. I have always known I liked girls but I buried it knowing that family wouldn't approve, but since I met Amber I decided to do what was right for me and do what made me happy. 

My babies; they are all still gawjus, Stripes is currently sporting a bandage scarf as she has some wounds on her neck, I suspect she has been attacked by either a dog or a fox. She is hating the bandage but its for her own good and to help the wounds heal. I am trying to keep them clean and her claws away from the scabs so a loose bandage held in place by plasters it is :o) 

 

Things are looking bad

I have to do this, I have to really focus and solve my debt issues, I have at present not very many soloutions, bankruptcy seems to be my only option but I need to find the £600 to do so, actually Im lying I need to find £400 thanks to a very kind donation, however it may as well be a million. I could scream and scream and scream, my credit score is extremly poor, one step above bankruptcy I do believe. I need to be very strict with myself, every little thing needs to be stopped, and every penny I have I need to plow into my debts, If I could learn to save I would be on a winner. At the moment I am living hand to mouth and I really dont like it. I don't remember the last time I paid my water bill.... I NEED HELP sorting my finances.... 

A lottery win is the easy answer but never going to happen... I know what I need to do but its doing it. 

On a massive positive which is keeping me going is my sweetie, I have a new girlfriend and she is amazing. I will NEVER forget Grace and I think she knows this. Yes I still have feelings for Amber but I am dealing with this. Gemma I hope is in it for the long haul as I deffo am. 

On another note, living alone sucks. A long term lodger who pays their rent would be nice but HA! a lodger will screw up my benefits which at the moment I am heavily relying on coz without them there is NO way id be able to survive. I would love to be working but the stress of even a simple job will make me ill and I have made a lot of progress over the last few months. 

Enough waffle for the moment guys n gals..... and I will fill you in on college one day, Im getting there and its going great :o) 

I've not forgotten u honest!!!

Its been a while since I blogged, I have loads to tell you dear reader but not tonight as my bath has made me sleepy..........

Crazy Cat Lady

I've been given the affectionate title of Crazy Cat Lady, Like Eleanor Abernathy from 'The Simpsons' I too have a mental illness and I have surrounded myself with kitties. Cleo my 'first' cat (as in she was mine and not the family pet) literally saved my life. I was 16 and heading for a downward spiral. To my social worker and my foster mum I was the perfect kid, going to 6th form everyday, doing my work and not getting picked up by the police... In truth I was a mess, I had no sense of self and my behaviour outside of home was self destructive. I would come home late at night very drunk and Cleo was always sitting on my bed waiting for me to come home. No matter how bad I got Cleo never left me, she would sit with me, let me cry into her fur and she would put her paw on my arm as if to say everything was ok. 


It was me and Cleo for a good few years, I had failed relationships and was drinking, smoking and sleeping about, Cleo didnt care, she saw the good in me and never gave up, she was always there. Me and Cleo had a special bond, and it was love me love my cat.. simple really. 

I was settled with ex-hubby and we had our first real home when he came home one day with Furgal, she was intended as a playmate for Cleo so she wasn't completly alone during the working day. I didn't get Furgal to the vets intime and she had kittens. I think I will always remember the day she gave birth, she wouldnt leave my side and wanted me there as she popped the little white furries out one by one. While I was at work that evening she had her 5th and final kitten, a lil tabby. Ex hubby and I were agreed we would keep one but could not agree, I wanted the longhaired white girl while he wanted the tabby. We ended up keeping them both so Stripes and Mailiekkie became part of our family. 

A few years later my cousin comes down with her kitten who needed a home, I had a home lined up but fell in love straight away, Ex hubby agreed we could keep him as he hadnt seen me smile so much in a long time (I was at my worst with my illness) Exhubby said we had to call the little fella Cecil. 


Sadly Ex hubby and I split up, I was left with all 5 cats, no bother to me as I was totally in love with all my babies. Stripes wasn't to keen as she was always daddy's girl. Ex-hubby and I came to the agreement that once he had his own place he would home two of the babies. 

Amber and I became a couple and Amber and Spider moved in with me and my brood. Bro moved into Amber's flat and few weeks later moved back in with Shadow and Ashaa.. brother and sister kittens... this took the cat population to 8!!!!! It was mad, cats everywhere and I loved everyminute of their company. 

We moved to my current home and settling 8 cats was fun!!! Stripes wasn't too keen on having a new house to start with and had real trouble getting settled. Bro moved out and left me with his two cats. He had never got Ashaa nutered and soon enough Cecil and Ashaa made kittens. When the babies were old enough to go to new homes they did, and a friend who was due to have a kitten but he sadly died, she agreed to re-home Ashaa. 

It was weird being one cat down but we soon adjusted. I was asked to look after Jasmine for a friend so was soon back up to 8!!! 


Amber and I split up and she and spider eventually moved out, I still miss them both loads but hay!!!

Shadow by this point was proving to be a pain, such a wonderful kitty who craved loadsa attention, something that I couldnt always give and he hated sharing with the others. In the end I sadly rehomed him, where he could have a one kitty home that he so wanted.  6 cats was also a much more sensible number... I wasn't getting tripped up every 5 minutes and I was struggling with money so one kitty less was good for all of them. 


I was on FB about 4 weeks after homing Shadow when a lady was looking for a home for her kitten, I got chatting to her and we agreed that her kitty could come n see if she liked it here.... Duchess never left and was given the new name of Hera. She fitted in well at kitty mansion and I love her dearly. 

Over the years I have had so many ups and downs and all of my babies have been there. Some people have given up on me, but NEVER have the kitties, they have never run away and all seem very happy. I always put them before me and when the lonliness bites hard all I have to do is my special kitty whistle and they come running. 


Jazzy cat is looking for a new forever home, she is a wonderful kitty but sadly she doesnt like being part of a clowder. I am struggling to re-home her as she is now 5 and she portrays some behaviours left over from a previous home where we suspect horrid abuse. 

These days when I am crying and wanting my life to end I just think of my babies, and I know that they need their mummy to fill the food bucket and pint glasses with water. 


For those who have not been keeping up, those currently living at Kitty Mansion are... Cleo, Furgal, Stripes, Mailiekkie, Cecil, Jazzy and Hera :o)

Trying to think positive

For those who follow me on facebook they would have noticed that Ive had a really bad week, I've been feeling bluer than blue. I'm trying hard to think positive which isn't easy when there is a black cloud over yr head, and engulfing your heart and soul. 

On a positive note these mood swings are coming less frequently, but this week has made me realise how much I rely on my medication... they dont keep me stable they make me hyper and this good mood that I get is 90% due to the medication.. how do I know this u ask?? I've not had my anti-psychotics for a week and feel pony. The weird thing is that I've hardly had any flashbacks, Ive not been leaving the house much, not much change there and Ive not self harmed since my last post. I've just felt really depressed and very tearful. I've had a lot of vivid dreams and most have been good ones, albeit very bizzare and have a lot of friends in them!!!

One thing that is a massive positive in my life is college, I'm catching up really well, I've had loadsa support, there has been a lot of mis communication and I dont know whether Im coming or going with having to sit my exams but pratically I'm nearly there :) 

With regards to Amber my heart is still very much broken....crazy coz I was the one who fucked it all up!!! 

Oh well...... I dont want a full on relationship with anyone coz Im too in love with her, but Id love a companion, so Im not so alone. I was not built to be alone......

Why I self harm..

Due to current self harm (SH) I have been asked by friends why I do it, and the honest answer is, I dont really know. I get a massive build up of emotions and despite all my best efforts of following all the advise and techniques I have learned in therapy and CBT I cant always keep it under check. It builds up so much and there is no release or outlet. In a split second something clicks in my mind and next thing I know I have cuts on my arms or legs. Usually its my arms as these are often bare. When I feel like something is building up I tend to wrap myself up so that my arms are covered. That way if I do hurt myself  I dont actually hurt myself. 

I know to someone who isn't having head issues all this seems bizzare and beyond comprehension. I hate doing it just as much as I hate feeling like this. But with BPD I have to take the rough with the smooth. 

The trouble is when I feel like this I just dont know what to do, I want hugz but hugz from a friend doesnt quite cut it. 

I have a deep love for Amber that isn't going away, no matter how hard I try I cant shift these feelings, I have tried burying them but they keep coming back. All I want to do is tell her how I feel and start a fresh with her. The fact that I know I cant eats away at me everyday. When I feel low all I want is to talk to her and have a hug. 


Today I went for a haircut with Amber, as usual the end result was fabby, but I wonder if the pain that I felt today is worth it, on my way to the salon all I did was cry, so desperate for Ambers magic touch on my hair as I have always loved what she does and when I sit in that chair I am made to feel like the most important person in the world.  But this time I feel that I need to stop going to Diva, as this isn't helping my emotions, but the thought of never going there again breaks my heart. Amber is in my life for that short space of time. 


One day I know I will be 'over' this, I just wish it was today. Shut these feelings off and then I can put a strike in another bit 0f my past. Until I am able to that I know I am unable to move on.

I have been given a 2nd chance in most aspects of my life and I wish this was another of those areas, I doubt I will ever give up hope but I so wish I could as I know that these feelings are just eating me up and dont help with my SH, as these feelings just build up like a bubble and then they just burst and all I do is cry and cry. 

Flashbacks and memories

One of the downsides to being a borderline is flashbacks and such. It is a horrid experiance, its like watching a video of myself being abused, a bit like being an outsider. Anything can bring them on, sound, smell, familar surroundings and memories. Last night in the bath I realised it has been months since I had a flashback. I think this is partly because I have once again shut the past away, because I havn't dealt with it properly I expect intime it will rear its ugly head again.. usually happens. Also my meds are so much more settled now its great, I seem to be having fewer and fewer bad days atm, and the last time I self harmed was a week ago and only did one small cut before I stopped. I also seem to be in much more control of myself. But I think a lot of that is due to the forced shutting it away!!

Diverting a little bit... went to college today, I was too scared to go in for todays pracical lesson but I did attend the theory class and it was very productive.....

Spring Sunshine

Like many I have been enjoying the sunshine, I have spent time in the garden and on Friday evening I went for a brief bike ride. I guess its a minor achievement going out alone riding but Ive not really thought about it. Saturday I went to town, got my fringe made yellow and got some salad and fruit. Sat down the ferry gardens again this time munching a sammich and watching the young families, for a few minutes I wished that was me then a kiddy crying reminded me why I prefer cats!!

Im not a very patient person so dont really like the idea of the 'I want this' being thrown at me. besides Cats dont want gadgets, just a bit of string and some pilchards and they are happy :) 

Spent some time chatting with an old school friend today, was lovely.. cept I was in the garen and I burnt and came out in millions of freckers.. Id make a good dot to dot ha!

My house is pretty tidy cept my bedroom... but I dont mind too much wont take me long to sort it.. when I can be bothered... I'm sure I will have a mad OCD moment and gut it like I have the rest of the house!!!

Pampering day tomorrow I think, I need it LOL!!!!!!!!

Hyperness and results

The last couple of days I have been on a 'Hyper' you most probably think this is a good thing as Im not depressed and crying, but its actually quite the oposite, it can be quite destructive and be more dangerous in the long run. When I feel hyper I am so bouncy its almost unberable.. I find conversation difficult as I have very little concentration and have a tendancy to babble uncontroably. I also feel invincable in that nothing can harm me and go around almost blinkered, I can see the result and aim for nothing else. Good if Im working on a project, not so good if I am in town, I dont notice the world around me and do silly things like walk into people! Another downside to a hyper is lack of sleep. I went to bed at half 11 last night and was awake at 3am, by 3.30am I was eating breakfast. At 5.20am I was ready for my bed. Thinking I would get a good few hours in I was well up for it. However by 7am I was wide awake and full of energy.

Today I thought Id use my hyper to my advantage, I needed to go to Gosport to do some chores and things. I needed to drop A's dyson at her salon and give her some money and for her to do my fringe. I was really pleased to see her and as she was really quiet due to the Easter holidays I stuck around for a bit, had a squash and we had a good ole natter in  the sunshine. I then needed to do a few things so walked into town and did what I needed to, pet shop, bank and Argos. I then walked through town and practically ignored all the people and market stalls. Though I did notice a young kiddie almost cycling into me!!

Food was the main thought at this point and I looked into all the café's and they were all heaving. I boycotted Macy D's and ended up at the ferry chippy. With chips in hand I went and found a patch of grass at the ferry gardens and sat. I only managed half of my (small) portion and fed the rest to the Gulls. I had noticed the tulips and took in my surroundings listening to the kids playing, I did get annoyed at times when some of them came a little too close for my liking. While I was watching the world go by I realised I was sitting down at the ferry and had walked through Gosport town and had not had a single inkling of a panic attack. This I could see as progress, a big step forward in the direction of positives... but I have been taking extra calm me down meds lately. 

I came home and felt really good, though very tired. Even now Im flagging slighty however I know Im in for a rough night and I fancy waking up at a sensible time so later to bed it is.

For Gracey

Memorial Day dawned and I felt a mix of emotions, I was full of dread as it was my time to say good bye to Gracey, however I was happy as it was a celebration of her Life, I was also eager to FINLLY meet some new friends. 

I had plenty of time to do not a lot so skipping breakfast ( I really didnt feel like eating) I went for a wander around Hailsham, there isnt much to see but its a quaint little village and the Corn Exchange a very nice Pub/Restaurant/Club and BnB. The place is like a tardis, it really is HUGE!!!

I wandered around and found a florist, I had already decided on getting a single red rose to place next to a picture of Grace in the church, however the Florist didnt have any roses except pink and I didnt like the Idea of pink so I got a single stem of White Stargazer Lilies. My favourite flower and I thought this was more personal. The nice lady wrapped the 4 flower stem in cellaphane and asked if I wanted white ribbon. Nah it HAD to be blue *giggles*

So with the strong scent of lily following me down the Road I went back to the CE for a Latté before getting ready for the service. I took my drink and lily to a table and I seemed to stink the pub out hahahaha.

after that I had plenty of time to Shower and put a face on. I knew that I had to look my best, if I didnt Gracey would have frowned down on me no end! My blue dress that I had brought special was still in the plastic baggy thing that they put clothes in and all neat and tidy, I put the shoes on and decided that after last weeks antics the cuts (YES P.. I said CUTS!!!) on my feet were not going to like the stilettos so I decided on flats. I had my faithful lappy with me so while I was getting ready I was blasting out some of my faveourite tunes, I was determined to find my happy place. 

I met L and we wandered to the church, we were early but one of the last to arrive. I was able to have a chat with the reverand, hand over the CD and find a place for the picture and lilys.

I sat in front of S&T and handed out the order of service, S had an inkling she would be speaking but Id not had the chance for a confirmation on that one so left it as a surprise. I was able to have a chat with people I knew via forums and FB but had never met.. so many to list. The Rev. then started the service with a welcome and then played Adagio for strings the opening music. This gave people the chance to listen to a lovely piece of music and this was important to me as Gracey had said she wanted it played at her funeral so I obeyed her one last time. 

Then the Rev. gave his religious spiel, for people who know me know that I am Pagan and proud and DONT do church. Gracey wasnt really religious, saying she went to church to make friends and improve her singing voice, and as she was a regular at St. Mary's it was an appriopriate place. I was surprised to hear that Grace used to sit near the back of the church tho, she wasnt the sort to stay in the background. 

After the opening Verse it was time for a bit of singing, so along with the bagpipe version of Amazing Grace people mumbled the words. Surprisingly this was the part that had most people crying!!!!

Then on cue was S to read a poem and a few words as requested by a doner. The Poem gave me a lump in my throat, I had read it several times but that did not stop the emotions. 

L2 then read a piece of writing done by Lo, this was a rather witty piece of writing and caused a few giggles which was the intention. The piece summed up Grace as she was, I was given a copy of the words and they will go into a memorial box with everything else. 


It was then my turn... I had my speech all planned and everything but I lost my words so made it up as I went along. I kept looking at people and saw a few red eyes and had trouble keeping composed, though I did it :) 


The Rev. then did final prayers and stuff and then it was time to Play the final music 'I'll be missing you' by Puff Daddy and Faith Evans... This I think surprised everyone but I did notice that people were bopping along, which was nice to see :) 

We then spent some time milling around and it was nice to see so many people there for Grace, around 50 in total I think. Neighbours, friends and church goers, no family but then I didn invite them... they would not have been welcome so nerrrr

Half of us went back to the Corn Exchange for nibbles and more getting to know each other, it was really nice, we nattered, shared memories and ate nibbles :) Some of the laydez had come from all over IOW, Oxford, Kent and Sussex, was really nice to see people who had travelled. If I could get such a vast array of people willing to travel when Im sent off to the other world I'd be a happy bunny indeed :o)

Meeting faces

I will try my best to keep this short..... 


Today was travel day to Hailsham, I wanted to get here early as I know I need to set my mind set! My fb friend Mel, I dont think she will mind me naming her... (it gets confusing using initals!) Mel is currently sitting in the Nuffield after having some surgery, knowing that she is from the North and knowing that Gracey would have visited her I knew I needed to. Considering she had surgery on Tuesday she was full of bubbles. It was really nice to actually put a phyical presence to a virtual person (chats over Skype and FB are not uncommon) 


Mel chatted away happily and we (T2 met me at the train station) were there for over an hour, I hope that Mel and I can continue our friendship as she is deffo loopy enough to be in Taz world. 


After the hospital T2 dropped me into Hailsham so I could check into my room and dump my bags. On my way out I got chatting to some random half drunk girl about my hair, Its nice she says, I know I say I wanted it this way, its also orange she says, yep I wanted it that colour. It looks funky she says, Yep I wanted it that way! Do you think I can pull off orange she asks, If you want orange go for it I say, you only live once!


I aventually manage to shake her off and rejoin T2. Her and L have invited me to their place for dinner, we chat about all sorts and I am presented with a help your self salad. L lays the table and brings out real crysatal glasses. I kinda feel embarrassed, Im a Taz not the Queen. T2 tells me that L likes to entertain and I must admit it was really really nice. I was made to feel extremly welcome. Even Sunny the cat came and sat on my lap and purred for England!!


OOOH I have to mention dessert, it was in these little dish things and was home grown blueberries, yoghurt, pecans and jelly tots. Politelly I ate the jelly tots (they are not a veggie food) and the blueberries were more than yummy!!!!  I was well watered too with wine and coffee, L offered me coffee at about 10pm but a combination of trains and wine left me feeling very droopy so asked if T2 would be able to run me back to the Corn Exchange. 


SO here I am sitting on my temporary bed listening to the noise of tonights revellers. I would go down to the bar but Im not feeling brave enough to at the moment. I am really feeling the memorial at the moment, at this moment in time I want to get it over and done with. There is nothing more I can do apart from hug bunny (a pressie from Grace in Feb) G-bear is a bit big so I left him at home, along with pooh bear who normally travels with me. 


Thats enough for now, I expect you are fed up of my dulcet tones hahahahaha

Facing the facts

I have this nasty habit of over analysing stuff, the biggest one is my illness... I know I have mentioned it more than once. I am in debate with myself if it IS an illness or just mental health issues.. most ppl dont see BPD as an illness, but I tell ya its a shitty way of life, so what makes me borderline?? well let me explain....

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (1994) identifies those with BPD as having:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment Yup I feel this a lot.. I often feel abandoned when ppl dont speak to me for a while, or even worse. I try and rescue broken friend ships and they dont want to know. When I am on a really bad day I feel very alone and friendless

• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting." This is a hard one to deal with, I often feel a lot of admiration for certain people, and I almost Idealise them and want them as a massive part of my life. I open up so far and then I panic and wonder why the hell they like someone like me.. so I push them away.. the main one here is family and Partners. The biggest ones to note here where the relationshps with Ex-hubby and A. Both of these I broke down, I wasnt the only one to blame but I was deffo the main cause and catalyst.
• Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self Dont really know about this one, I have massive hang ups about myself, I look in the mirror and feel like poo but am reluctant to do anything about it, actually thats a lie, I cant be bothered to do anything about it.. whats the point.. It wont make me feel any better and well half the time I dont think I need to bother!
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Yip I do this big time.. I get very impulsive and HAVE to shop, I cant afford it but at the time thats the last think on my mind. Its almost as if Im on auto pilot or Im being controlled, I try n control this but its really hard. Sex.. yeah I can do this, and have done.. sex is sex, if Im in a relationship and getting some Im ok, its when Im in a realtionship and Im not that I wander.. I dont cheat to fall in love I do it coz I can, if it is offered to me it isn't always easy for me to say no, special if I am in a 'have no feelings' mode. My eating habits are really poor too, I either hardly eat or eat everything.. and I mean everything... If im eating a meal its a large meal, if Im hardly eating I will pick and play with my food.
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.Anyone who knows me know that I SH... I do it coz its a release, so much emotion builds up and I have to do it to let it all out. In the past I have tried suicide and failed on 3 occasions, the last time I tried I was 19.. Im too much of a wimp to kill myself. One good thing about my SH is that Im in zombie mode when I do it and the pain snaps me out of it and this means I have a little control and can stop myself before I do any real damage. I also try to hide my SH, I dont tell anyone that Ive done it and if I've cut my arms I will keep them covered.
• Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).Oh yes I suffer panic attacks, these are normally inter-twined with Dissasoccation as I suffer flash backs and a lot of nightmares too. I have medication to help control my anxiety levels and for the most part they do their job. I can do things that 18 months ago I couldnt do.. I mean I am living alone for a start, this was hard at first and yes it is still hard but I am surviving... just!
• Chronic feelings of emptiness. I dont really get the empty feeling, I get very lonely even surronded by friends I can feel lonely.. is this the same thing?? I dont really know.
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). I've never really been an angry person, I get angry same as everyone else but I rarely loose my temper. I dont pick fights as I hate violence, Ive seen enough of this in my life. I tend to finish fights tho and will defend what I think is right.
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.Yip I can easily dissacosiate. I have done this for years, I go in on myself and can shut down, this is dangeorus as I have no idea what the hell Im doing... I often shut down when I travel and let my feet guide me. I tend to let out a sigh of relief when I get to my destination! I can get paranoid and if Im at home and Im feeling this way I have to shut my curtains and lock windows and doors. I also keep my social life and family life seperate, I cant seem to marry the two and its as if I am two different people. Taz and Tanya.

Its kinda weird having written all that down. I can see that I have made some progess and thats a nice feeling, its also scarey as this is all I have known for years and to be free of BPD to me makes me feel as if I will no longer be me. It is a nice thought too as I wont be so messed up. I have had intense therapy and it hasnt really helped. Yeah I have more control than I used to have but I am still in need of help and Im currently not really getting any. I see my Psych once every 5 weeks or so and can contact the emergancy MH team if I need to, but when your in the darkest of places you dont think to pick up the phone!!


I try and implement what I have learned at therapy but its not easy, its bloody hard work, and takes a lot of energy.