Part of the past

This maybe a bit of a graphic post my friends, I do applogise to y'all in advance iffin yas offended by anything yas read here

I like to think of myself as a good friend so when Lo asked me iffin she could ask me a question this morning, i was like yups ofc, she is one of the most important ppls in my life. Well she asked me about anal sex, I was a lil shocked at first nd then WHAM! it hit me like a tonne of bricks, taking me back to 14 years old, feeling the pain as I silently cried as I was analy penetrated by my bully of an uncle. All i remember is the pain nd bleeding afterwards. 

I had flashback after flashback hitting me like a tsunami, but instead of retreating like I usually do I took a differnent approach, I spoke to Lo about it and commented on her fb thread:
  
Good grief, I am not one who supports the Death Penalty but just found out about a beloved friends childhood abuse. Some men need a damn good public kicking in the balls and thereafter castration! THE PAINFUL WAY!!!
 
 As yas can see she didnt mention me by name, I thought, nopes, not hiding no mores, Issa gotta speak up... so I did....

Tazzy Womack I approve of the bastard getting all he deserves... jus so ppls know, the friend is me... I wont hide away coz thats what he wants me to do, he WANTS me to re live it, well no mores, I am gonna b brave, stand up nd say that he may have destroyed a part of me but not all of me! He was only in prision 6 years, despite being served sentances of 12 nd 10 years. He was given hell inside nd also had 2 strokes coz he was stressed nd shit, he is known in Gosport nd gets abuse almost everytime he goes out. his car has been damaged nd he is slowly dying due to alcohol addiction.
I came face to face with him last May nd HE was scared of ME... I looked into his cold dark eyes and the amount of fear in them was great!!!!!!!

Anyways, I have thought about it some more and to control the flashbacks I am going to write about some of what I endured......

At the age of 9 i was sitting in school assembly, not paying attention, my hands felt dirty and funny, I had just washed them, I dont know what I was thinking but i knew I was a norty girl. The night before I had been told to watch a movie with my uncle in his room, he lay on the bed nd got naked, I had to lay on top of him nd toss him off, I dont remember much of the incident but I knew I didnt like it, I hated it, that was the first of many visits. 

They will all be jumbled as I have very little memory of things, it jus stumbles out....

For my 13th birthday I had a joint party with a girl from the estate, i was allowed to choose a really nice outfit, it was 1997 and all the rage were these seethru dress things with a cami sole nd shorts underneath, I questioned the outfit, I really liked it but I wanted someting a lil more conservative, Uncle sed I should get it and told me how grown up I looked in it.

Mum has learning disabilities, she is very slow in what she says and gets confused easily, she and I would argue all the time, mostly coz uncle was paying me attention and not her... well i would often get upset by this and this resulted in 'comfort' which would always start with a cuddle and end with goodness knows what. 

I remeber needing some new shoes, mine were falling apart beyond repair, Uncle took me shopping fer new shoes, they cost around £25 ish, later on the way home he sed I had to pay him back.... 2 sessions at least... this meant later i would b in his room behind a locked door being forced into sex and such. I jus laydown silently crying, not showing any emotions as I was fearful of what that would bring. 

I would have to rub cream into fresh tattoos in a gentle way, nd one time I was watching a movie nd he mentioned his freshly pierced nipple, saying that the best thing for healing was human saliva, so yups I had to suck and lick it.

As I grew up and puberty hit reality hit him in that I wasnt a young girl anymore. He said that a lot of women shaved to make them selves feel young. So legs spread I was made to laydown, knees bent nd he would shave me. This happened on several ocassions. I was asked how I felt, did I feel young again?? nd told that it looked better nd much prettier down there... and yups he would then go on to fondle me with fingers and tounge. 

  

4 of us lived in a 3 bedroom house, me nd mum sharing, brother having a room and uncle having another, Brother being 6 years younger than me and me growing up uncle suggested that me and brother switch.... so I ended up with my own room, this to me was great, it was kitted out really nice and grown up, I hada desk where I could do my homewerk and I would retreat to my room, snuggled with the animals (cats nd Dogs) he in time fitted a lock to the inside of my door telling mum is was so that I had peace while i did school werk. I used to lock it frequently jus to hide away. One day he came home nd tried my door, it was locked he knocked nd told me to open the door... he sed I was never to lock him out of my room. I dont know if any abuse took place in there, I really cant remember but I know he did come into my room at night, I started making sure the dogs slept with me. When he opened my door the dogs would growl one at my feet the other at my belly. I think this was a deterrant so as not to set the dogs off.

Much later at the age of 14/15 living in the house was awful, fights, shouting and such, I would beat up my brother, tho sometimes we would play nicely but my moods would change at the drop of a hat. I wonder iffin this was the onset of my mental health issues??

Anyways a friend of his had a flat to rent, Uncle suggested that he rent it out and me go with him,  to be away from my mother and a bit of peace, I liked this idea nd yes things were much calmer. Though the abuse stepped up. One day I was in the bath, he came in to see how I was and he bathed me, I wasnt even safe in the bath, I couldnt lock the door as I was ordered not too. I think this is mostly where my fear of bathing comes from. Even now I have to bath with the door open as it freaks me out. I cant fully relax but I do try and it is getting better, but I do have someone with me. as well as a teddy bear... a bear isnt able to protect me but it does bring me comfort. The one thing that sticks in my mind is him squeezing out the conditioner and saying 'this is what my fluid is like' 

Due to the shaving i would get ingrowing hairs, one turned into a massive boil/cyst type thingy. Well I was sitting on the sofa nd it was hurting, I couldnt get comfy, he asked me why and he sed he would take a look. Well he did, he said he would kiss it better, as he drew his head closer I was grimacing and feeling uncomfy. My then dog Jerry Lee must have sensed this and he went for his face, snarling and growling... Good Boi. While the dog was about he never went for me again, so me and Jerry Lee spent all our time together. Tho I dont think he was around much longer after this. Uncle saying he was a dangerous dog. 

When I hit my teenage years I was not allowed to stay at friends very often or have them stay over, this was a saving grace for me as I knew I was safe while i was around them. I had to ask when he was drunk as then he would agree to it.

In the summer months I had to wear a skirt to school, and yes it was quite short, but not too short.

I used to dress in tracky bottoms nd baggy t shirts, this was so i could hide, I was ashamed of myself and disgusted at the same time. I wanted no attention from anyone. Tho as I grew older I had to dress better, jeans were a compromise.

As I grew older I tried to rebel, spending time out and such. I spent more time being grounded than any kid I knew. He would advertise the fact that I was grounded, kids on the estate where not allowed to play with me coz the parents were given the impression I was a really bad child. I was only allowed out to do my paper round, school and being sent on errands, normally late at night to the takeways at night, Im talking 11 or so at night when all the drunks are about. 

Ofc being grounded meant i was home a hell of a lot, this meant more abuse.

I remember one time being forced to watch a porn movie, the girl was giving a blow job and he turned round and sed 'thats what I want you to do to me' it was the most disgusting thing I had done, I always felt sick. 

I dont know how many times I was abused, my brain has blocked most of it away. I think it was almost on a daily basis. My saving grace was finally mentioning it at the age of 15 and being free from it all, it went to court, he was sentanced to 2 sentances 10 years and 12 years to run concurantly. He served 6 years..... 

I have no run out of memories, which I think you will admit is a good thing! 

Tazzy ~X~