'walk the dog'

This was the advice given to me by the Hewat Centre, my local CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) in case you were wondering! I got this advice on Thursday and guess what?? my mood hasn't improved much... wonder why?? this is because I walk my dog!! OK I admit I dont walk him every single day coz I cant face going out everyday, but if Im not walking Max Im playing ball with him. I enjoy spending time with Max as he does lift my mood but at the end of the day not enough to keep me laughing everyday. 

I know exercise raises happy levels but they dont raise my levels enuf to be at 'normal' levels of happy. I have to take meds and my meds no longer seem to be working, why cant they just see that?? It could be that I have the winter blues, but it could be that Im just going through a slump in mood.... either way 'walking the dog' is not going to help me. Im still self harming and Im still emotional, if im not wanting to bawl my eyes out Im feeling angry!!! 


I do my best, like today for example, I didnt really want to go in, but I did it.... I went in, I painted on a smile and Im proud of myself for doing so. I really need to go back to the Hewat Centre as I have not really seen any improvement, Im sleeping what feels like a million hours a day. Including a nap, which is something I've not normally done, the last time I slept like this and felt like this I was heading towards my breakdown. Im determined not to go down that route again but how can it be avoided when the Duty CPN (Community Psych Nurse) do nothing to help??


On a positive note Gemma has been wonderful, I am able to talk to her, if I cant talk to her face coz it feels to painful I talk to her via the computer, using IM, usually Facebook :) Weird you may think? but for me who isnt a big talker IMing is much easier, I cant see the persons face! Max has been brill too, he is often there for me, offering a paw when I feel sad, he knows when his Mummy is sad and will sit on my lap (no mean feat for an overweight Springer Spaniel) He also gives me kisses and asks for 'please' when he knows im really sad the 'please' is for fusses and cuddles, and I mean cuddles, I wrap my arms around him and his tail goes bonkers!!! Gemma is always there if I need a hugz, the only problem she has is if Im feeling really sad she asks if I wana hugz, I normally say 'No' as I wana be left alone but inside Im screaming out for a hugz... poor Gemz dont know if she's coming or going!!! 

My parents have hardly contacted me... when I get round to calling them I know they will say well you havnt called us in a while... guess what, they have phones too!!!! 


On another positive I want to thank all my friends who have been there for me, they have been so supportive and even those who I didn't think I was particularly close to have been supportive THANK YOU GUYS N DOLLS :o)