Head Fucked

At times like this I wish I was an addict, rite now I would do anything to numb this emotional pain. Inside I am crying with so much pain, I am torn into a million pieces. A couple of weeks ago I wrote to my Dad and Step-mum saying that I  dont feel supported, I feel alone and I dont know why, is it coz Imma pagan lesbain with mental health issues?? about 4 days after receiving said letter my dad sent me a text containing the words 'we have always supported you at great cost to us' the following week I got a letter written by my step mum containing the werds 'we cant be with you 24/7 as we have our own lives, resposabilities and difficulties' Imma not asking fer them 24/7 Imma asking fer now nd then, I called on 29.01.2013 and I am still yet to get a return on my call. They have put in writing what I have known for years.

I have been torn in2 by ma current spouse and my ex, both love me unconditionaly, I havnt got a scooby doo as to why, both have problems with me contacting the other. I broke my ex's heart, she was put in an awful situation due to me, I feel awful for this. She is such a sweet wonderful caring person and I wanted to help her get back on her feet, I know more than most getting back on yas feet can take a hell of a long time, nd yas need constant support. Despite the break up she was also a massive support to me as well. My current spouse is across the pond in Illinois. Thanks to skype I can b with her often nd thanks to her werking nights I  get even more time with her. But I have got to the point where I feel that I cant lead my life, like I have to b at a computer 24/7. Dont get me wrong, she has never stopped me doing anything, but I feel a lil trapped. This whole situation takes me back to 2009 when I left Ian nd I had him on side and Amber on the other. I messed with their heads coz I was so confused and messed up. I know I will do the same to Patz nd Dee so I have told them I need to step back, for how long I dont know. I cant make promises to either girl. I have to sort myself out. Funny huh almost 4 years later nd Imma still in the same messes!!! 

I have some wonderful friends nd family that i can turn to, but no one fully understands me, I have done this. I have been hurt so bad by people in the past. But not even I know myself, so how can I expect others to know me. 

At the moment I dont know which way to turn, which road to go down.

Looking at ma facebook one of ma bestest girls (she knows who she is) is talking about leaving her fiancé, this makes me so sad as she more than most that I know deserves happiness, she is a wonderful girl and I love her dearly. Also it makes me think, if her realationships fall apart there isnt much hope fer ppls like me :(

I continue to DJ fer RMX, this gives me a chance to ferget about life and take it out on the music. I know there are ppls out there with more issues as me, and one of my dear friends is about to start cancer treatment. I truely care for my 'brother' and I know he can beat this. Cancer is an illness that is more widely accepted in society. People understand it, Mental health issues are still taboo and hardly anyone understands, I hope this changes in the future to help people like me. 

At the moment I can cope in the only way I know, by cutting, It releases some of the pain and the nastyness that I feel runs thru my veins. I mean I must be an awful person to have two women love me deeply and have trouble letting either one go from my life.