A lost soul

The last few days I have been feeling very lost, I have a vague Idea as to who I am, I have been on that journey for some time....

I have the most amazing friends and could babble about them for hours! Special my Sister friend Shell who keeps me on the ground!

I have just written an article for Take a break magazine, I did this to get a lot of stuff out in the open and tell my story to help others that are in a similar situation.

anyways back to being lost.... I  almost have two sets of friends, some that are transgendered and some that are not. I don't see the whole transgender thing myself, I see them as they present themselves and they are just people at the end of the day. The trouble is, I don't seem to fit comfy into either group, I am happy with my sexuality (I'm bi in case u were wondering) I feel most comfy with my TG friends as I seem to relate better to them, this group of friends I find are so much more open honest and trustworthy. Anyways... I try and do all I can to support the LGBT community as it needs as much support as it can get... there are so many narrow minded people out there and ignorance plays a big part in it as well...people seem to reject the unfamiliar which is very very sad, if they didnt they would have some amazing friends! However supportive I am I can never fully understand their predicament as I have never walked in their shoes so to speak, this makes me feel sad, I can only seem to support them so much and then I get lost :(

With my non TG friends on average I am less my self, its like I put the same old mask back on and its like ugh! why am I still doing this?? I don't do this with everyone, just most people! But then as I have no true idea as to who I really am I wonder if my other face is a mask!! then I think about it and get a headache!

I know for a fact I'm a lively bubbly person and I am caring and will do anything for anyone, and if you cross me then you best stand well back as I'm like an Ice Dragon!

All this morning I have been on a major hyper (the manic part of manic depression is the easiest way to describe it) I have been unable to sit still, fingers tapping away like mad and I have been listening to Lady Gaga's 'Born this Way' on repeat for about 2 n half hours!!! and yes I have been dancing along!!! I have had some wonderful chats with friends and that has increased the Hyper... my poor brother has had the brunt of it!

When I am not babbling to my friends I feel very lonely, its like there is something missing, I miss having someone to look after, cook for etc... and I think that aids the lost feeling as the saying goes.. 'Its my nature to nurture' and I don't feel I have that at the moment, to aid this I send daft poems to friends n family, I keep getting told to make a book out of em but to be honest, I think they are crap, but they bring a smile n giggle so that's the main thing.

I wish I could open up to my parents and tell them a lot of stuff, I expect they already know a lot more from third parties but I have never been able to tell them... mainly out of fear of rejection or disappointment. They are very religious and I don't think they are very open minded, I am very scared of them saying they don't approve of me and that keeps me distant from them.... I am happily pagan and I am happily bi-sexual, and my ideal partner for some reason is a trans-woman!!!! If I told them this I think they would freak and try n have me ex-communicated or something!!

In the article I wrote I put a lot of stuff down that a lot of people didn't know, if you put everything I told all my nearest and dearest u would get my article!

All this makes me sound very self centred as all I have done is talk me, me, me.. but its not something Im good at, I make it hard work for my therapist!

think that's enuf babble for one post, ttfn folks xXx