Hiding the pain

I've been told several times that I am a good actress, and sometimes I think that I am, as I am so good at hiding the emotional pain that I feel. A lot of the time I am able to squash it and suppress it in the deepest depths of my brain, but every so often something happens that opens Pandora's box and a little bit of crap comes brimming to the surface!

Yesterday while we were driving around Eastbourne I chatted to G about the past, once I started I couldn't stop, I had verbal diareah (cant spell). As I chatted a wave of memories engulfed me, both good and bad. I felt better at the time but after a while I begun to feel highly emotional, not helped by feeling shattered. (new environment meant a broken nights sleep!) As I chatted to G I realised that I have so much excess baggage I seem to be unable to get rid of, sadly this is not through lack of trying. G opened up about her past, I wont divulge as its not my place to, but I had a massive wave of empathy and my heart went out to her, My suffering is nothing to a lifetime of pain.

Growing up I was told that there is always someone worse off than you... this makes me feel even worse, its like Taz, get over yourself... you have past issues, money issues and issues with A but at least you have food in your belly (when I do eat that is) and a roof over my head (and my house is starting to look pretty good :) )

Despite all the pep talks to myself I didn't get round to feeling much better, I feel super relaxed as I'm not stressing about the usual crap but I have felt emotional all day and have gone to G several times for hugz. I have been reluctant to tell her how I'm feeling as she has gone to so much trouble to make me feel so welcome and has even given Pooh bear a lil friend for the week :o)

Damn this freaking mental illness, it has taken over my life, I fight it like crazy but I know that all the fight is down to my tons of medication!

All that aside I plan on blocking out this pain for a the rest of the week and will face the music on Monday when I am back home and 'recovering' emotionally.