Why I self harm..

Due to current self harm (SH) I have been asked by friends why I do it, and the honest answer is, I dont really know. I get a massive build up of emotions and despite all my best efforts of following all the advise and techniques I have learned in therapy and CBT I cant always keep it under check. It builds up so much and there is no release or outlet. In a split second something clicks in my mind and next thing I know I have cuts on my arms or legs. Usually its my arms as these are often bare. When I feel like something is building up I tend to wrap myself up so that my arms are covered. That way if I do hurt myself  I dont actually hurt myself. 

I know to someone who isn't having head issues all this seems bizzare and beyond comprehension. I hate doing it just as much as I hate feeling like this. But with BPD I have to take the rough with the smooth. 

The trouble is when I feel like this I just dont know what to do, I want hugz but hugz from a friend doesnt quite cut it. 

I have a deep love for Amber that isn't going away, no matter how hard I try I cant shift these feelings, I have tried burying them but they keep coming back. All I want to do is tell her how I feel and start a fresh with her. The fact that I know I cant eats away at me everyday. When I feel low all I want is to talk to her and have a hug. 


Today I went for a haircut with Amber, as usual the end result was fabby, but I wonder if the pain that I felt today is worth it, on my way to the salon all I did was cry, so desperate for Ambers magic touch on my hair as I have always loved what she does and when I sit in that chair I am made to feel like the most important person in the world.  But this time I feel that I need to stop going to Diva, as this isn't helping my emotions, but the thought of never going there again breaks my heart. Amber is in my life for that short space of time. 


One day I know I will be 'over' this, I just wish it was today. Shut these feelings off and then I can put a strike in another bit 0f my past. Until I am able to that I know I am unable to move on.

I have been given a 2nd chance in most aspects of my life and I wish this was another of those areas, I doubt I will ever give up hope but I so wish I could as I know that these feelings are just eating me up and dont help with my SH, as these feelings just build up like a bubble and then they just burst and all I do is cry and cry.