A life worth saving??

As I type this there is no light at the end of the tunnel..... I have been keeping so much hidden.... and I've decided now is the time to come clean 100% clean... and I guess doing this will loose me some friends, if this happens I can only say that its all I deserve. Everything that I share is all of my own doing, I dont blame anyone except myself. 

I will start by copying out a text I sent to a friend and expand on that text as I write......

'My life is such a mess, I just dont know what to do anymore. I've had to quit college, I've got a shit load of debt and calls to court, My Grace is dead, Amber isn't talking to me, People take advantage of me, I'm banned from Tesco and have to pay a fine I can't afford, I just want everything to go away but there is no way out save one n I'm scared to even do that xXx'

Right time for some expansion....


College: has been a struggle for sometime, I couldn't handle being in 4 days a week, I enjoyed it but by Wednesday I was shattered and missed a lot of Wednesday classes. The young ones that I was in class with stressed me out as they didnt try and spent a lot of time messing about, I didn't go to college to mess about, I went so I could become a hairdresser. I spoke to my tutor and was moved to the part-time class which was a mature class, people more my own age, I didn't feel very welcome at first, but that was my own hangups... and I kinda plonked myself in this class where all these woman had already formed friendships. I tried hard, I tried and tried and tried but even the simplist of things like a set  I couldnt get right. The class was so much more intense and at a much faster pace. I struggled and did I mention it to my tutors?? Nope not really, I freaked out, I kept going, then we had half term with the plan to go back all fresh and guns blazing but as half term holiday ended I couldnt face going back... so I didn't and then Grace died and still I didn't go back, I missed exams and classes and fell further and further behind. I finally bit the bullet and e-mailed my tutor, she agrees with me and the stress it would cause me so has withdrawn me from the course, but as Im close to finishing a part of my first year certificate I can go in on a Thursday evening t0 finish this part and then go back for year 2 so I still gain my NVQ. Good stuff I hear you say, but I will only complete one third of this year so I may find year2 a challenge, I'm trying not to think of that... get this year out of the way and hopefully by September I will be in a posistion to cope better.


Debt: Well its not going away, I may steps, I drew up a spreadsheet of how much Im owing, I have had advice from the CAB bankruptcy is my only option, But to do this I need money (£600) and huh! I dont have it. A very good friend who will remain un-named loaned me some of this amount to go for it.... But that leavs me with 2/3 of the £600 to find. And untill I find that I cant pay anything..... I have god knows how many letters from company's saying that I have to appear in court in the coming months. One has already told me that I'm facing 7 days in HMP Holloway.... that will do me the world of good that, and does wonders for my anxiety levels. I need to do a another trip to the CAB but I really dont know what help they can offer. On top of that I STILL cant seem to stop spending money. I have re-homed one of my babies which broke my heart and as a replacement.... 3 Hamsters and 2 Gerbils!!!! more expense and time needed to look after them. 

Grace: Her death is something that I had no control over, it happened and I have to deal with that immense loss. I have lost a best friend and partner and each day I cry over the fact that she is no longer here, Grace was giving me so much support and while I was with her I felt alive and I was doing something about my issues. Now she has gone I feel that a massive part of me has been taken away and I just dont know how to cope. I have tried so hard to fight and fight and keep going with what she started but I dont have the energy. I seem to cry and cry and miss her cuddles more than anything. Not to mention her GSOH and twice daily chats online that we had when we were not together. 

Amber: I messed this up so bad, I treated her like shit and I am deeply sorry for all the pain I caused her, Guilt I think is the biggest emotion here. I loved Amber more than I did my ex-hubby. I walked out of my marriage to be with her and I spent the following months confused and playing mind games... Amber, Ex, Amber, Ex etc... I wanted Amber but wanted the security my marriage gave me. I got over this and what did I do.. push Amber away. Amber tried so hard to save the relationship and all I did was throw it in her face by cheating and running away from my problems, which is something that I have done for so many years. What has this left me with... nothing, I'm alone and loving some-one that doesnt love me back. Amber wants space so she can work on her issues, I cant call her and my text messages go un-answered. I miss her so much. Amber introduced me to a world I was curious about and made me realise that I am actually bi-sexual and prefer to be in the company of women to men. I loved Amber so much and wanted to show the world how much so and got Amber' tattooed on my back. This I now need to get covered up but am reluctant to do. Its a part of me as Amber was... I want her back in my life. I have appologised so much and she knows that I still love her. I want to prove to her that despite my mis givings I want a proper relationship with her and am willing to fight through everything to be with her. This is never going to happen and it breaks my heart. I can't face the thought of saying good bye to her, I am crying just thinking about it. I want to work on a friendship but I guess we will never have a friendship, and another shot at a relationship is just out of the question. 


Amber has her own issues and I want to help her through them, rightly so she wants nothing to do with me and all I want is a hug and to be told that everthing is ok, things may be tough but we can face the crap together. Again through my own stupidity this is never going to happen and I have to face this fact. No matter how hard I try I cant seem to get over the fact that she is gone from my life and will never be apart of it again.


People: I seem to be the type of person that gets walked over, things have been stolen from my home. I tried to get back on track by taking in a lodger and he did a runner owing me a shit load of rent and stole some of my things as another kick in the teeth. I have had money get stolen from my purse and my blackberry stolen from my house. I have friends that play on my kind hearted nature and are always asking me to bail them out, as a good smaratian I do so, give them the things they need and money for gas and electric when they have none. In return I ask for nothing and what am I left with... being owed money that I will never see again, A friend that will be there for me when needed but they dont actually support me. 


Tesco: I did something really stupid... think about it and you will be right on the button. I am now banned from ALL Tesco stores for 12 months, have to pay a fine to the store and I have to go to court and face the music. I was deffinatley NOT my self when this happened but that is no excuse, I can not go blaming my BPD for my actions, time to be a grown up and face the music.


The rest: I have never been 100% honest and have had all this stuff going through my head, I dont like having BPD and I hate self harming even more. I dont tell my parents anything, they will be totally disapointed and let down by my actions. I try and be a good daughter but Im really crap at it. I told my step-mum about my operation 4 days after I had it done. 


I'm still in pain from my operation, the internal stuff doesnt hurt, its the stuff they cut away on the outside that hurts, it hurts to walk and to sit and do just about anything. I told everyone that I was having growths removed.... which wasnt a total lie but they were in fact warts...something like 15 in total both internal and external... where did they come from I have no Idea, I have had few sexual partners and I doubt they were an STI but that isnt un likely, but from what the phsician said I have had them for years and didnt even know it. 

My selfharming is something that I fight to NOT do, but the emotional pain gets so great that the only way I can release it is to slice at my skin. The warm blood is like Im letting go of some of the pain and for an instant I feel better, till the cuts begin to hurt and I snap out of the insanity and feel guilty for doing it... Its not a solution and cutting myself doesnt make any of the issues go away. It doesnt help that I get shouted at and slapped for doing it... despite what people say and think I DONT do it for attention, I dont want to be known as the girl who cuts her self... I want to be known as Taz. I dont even want to be known as Tanya as that name has a lot of pain associated with it....arguements, abuse and fights in a nutshell. 


I always get told that writing down all the hurt helps, I dont think it has done so, if anything it has made me feel ashamed of the things that I have done and the person I have become. I dont believe in suicide, which I think is a good thing as I would have done that by now. But everynight I go to sleep I pray that will be my last night and I wont wake up.


I honestly dont see a way out and I am expecting a lot of my friends to walk away and say goodbye, this will kill me but I am ready


I am NOT looking for sympathy or love or any of those things, I dont know what I'm looking for... help I guess.........


I know there are a million spelling errors in the above but ya know what?? I dont give a damn atm.