Facing the facts

I have this nasty habit of over analysing stuff, the biggest one is my illness... I know I have mentioned it more than once. I am in debate with myself if it IS an illness or just mental health issues.. most ppl dont see BPD as an illness, but I tell ya its a shitty way of life, so what makes me borderline?? well let me explain....

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (1994) identifies those with BPD as having:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment Yup I feel this a lot.. I often feel abandoned when ppl dont speak to me for a while, or even worse. I try and rescue broken friend ships and they dont want to know. When I am on a really bad day I feel very alone and friendless

• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting." This is a hard one to deal with, I often feel a lot of admiration for certain people, and I almost Idealise them and want them as a massive part of my life. I open up so far and then I panic and wonder why the hell they like someone like me.. so I push them away.. the main one here is family and Partners. The biggest ones to note here where the relationshps with Ex-hubby and A. Both of these I broke down, I wasnt the only one to blame but I was deffo the main cause and catalyst.
• Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self Dont really know about this one, I have massive hang ups about myself, I look in the mirror and feel like poo but am reluctant to do anything about it, actually thats a lie, I cant be bothered to do anything about it.. whats the point.. It wont make me feel any better and well half the time I dont think I need to bother!
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Yip I do this big time.. I get very impulsive and HAVE to shop, I cant afford it but at the time thats the last think on my mind. Its almost as if Im on auto pilot or Im being controlled, I try n control this but its really hard. Sex.. yeah I can do this, and have done.. sex is sex, if Im in a relationship and getting some Im ok, its when Im in a realtionship and Im not that I wander.. I dont cheat to fall in love I do it coz I can, if it is offered to me it isn't always easy for me to say no, special if I am in a 'have no feelings' mode. My eating habits are really poor too, I either hardly eat or eat everything.. and I mean everything... If im eating a meal its a large meal, if Im hardly eating I will pick and play with my food.
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.Anyone who knows me know that I SH... I do it coz its a release, so much emotion builds up and I have to do it to let it all out. In the past I have tried suicide and failed on 3 occasions, the last time I tried I was 19.. Im too much of a wimp to kill myself. One good thing about my SH is that Im in zombie mode when I do it and the pain snaps me out of it and this means I have a little control and can stop myself before I do any real damage. I also try to hide my SH, I dont tell anyone that Ive done it and if I've cut my arms I will keep them covered.
• Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).Oh yes I suffer panic attacks, these are normally inter-twined with Dissasoccation as I suffer flash backs and a lot of nightmares too. I have medication to help control my anxiety levels and for the most part they do their job. I can do things that 18 months ago I couldnt do.. I mean I am living alone for a start, this was hard at first and yes it is still hard but I am surviving... just!
• Chronic feelings of emptiness. I dont really get the empty feeling, I get very lonely even surronded by friends I can feel lonely.. is this the same thing?? I dont really know.
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). I've never really been an angry person, I get angry same as everyone else but I rarely loose my temper. I dont pick fights as I hate violence, Ive seen enough of this in my life. I tend to finish fights tho and will defend what I think is right.
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.Yip I can easily dissacosiate. I have done this for years, I go in on myself and can shut down, this is dangeorus as I have no idea what the hell Im doing... I often shut down when I travel and let my feet guide me. I tend to let out a sigh of relief when I get to my destination! I can get paranoid and if Im at home and Im feeling this way I have to shut my curtains and lock windows and doors. I also keep my social life and family life seperate, I cant seem to marry the two and its as if I am two different people. Taz and Tanya.

Its kinda weird having written all that down. I can see that I have made some progess and thats a nice feeling, its also scarey as this is all I have known for years and to be free of BPD to me makes me feel as if I will no longer be me. It is a nice thought too as I wont be so messed up. I have had intense therapy and it hasnt really helped. Yeah I have more control than I used to have but I am still in need of help and Im currently not really getting any. I see my Psych once every 5 weeks or so and can contact the emergancy MH team if I need to, but when your in the darkest of places you dont think to pick up the phone!!


I try and implement what I have learned at therapy but its not easy, its bloody hard work, and takes a lot of energy.