The last few days have been hard, I miss Grace so so so much, I was told that as the days go by things would get easier, but since Saturday they seem to have got harder. Friday I decided I was going to get a new pet, I love all my babies and Barley but I needed something new, so went to the pet store and found a Chinese Dwarf hamster that was up for adoption, he seemed perfect and in need of love as he was an unwanted pet. I named him Gracey after Grace. I kinda think its a fitting name really.
Both Gracey and Barley no live in the front room, I felt bad for having Barley in the bathroom, the last week I feel that I have ignored my little man and being in the front room they are deffo getting loads of attention :)
Since Grace passed away I have had so much support from my friends, espically Shell, C, D, M, S, L, S2 and S3. They have listened to my babble, my tears and my stories, I owe them so much, however they cant stop the tears the pain or the lonliness.
I have had contact with AH and she confirmed that Grace died of a heart attack, this is some comfort as it means that there was nothing I could have done to save her. Today I was also told that I am not anle to attend the funeral. That sucks and I have cried over this, I'm still upset I will not be able to say goodbye to Grace's body but in someways Im pleased as they wont be burying Grace they will be burying the man that she used to be. This is something that the family need to do, so for me and her friends I will be organising a memorial service. I dont know all the details yet but I do know that it will be in Eastbourne as this is where Grace enjoyed her life. I am also going to be costructing a garden memorial so that I have somewhere close where I can feel close to my Gracey.
I was so low yesterday that I self harmed, something that I haven't done for a good 5 weeks, I felt such an overwhelming sense of emotion and I did all I could to fight it, I cried, I wrapped my self up. I was glued to my computer but in the end I couldn't fight it any longer. I know this will upset a lot of people, but believe me dear reader it was the last thing I wanted to do. I hate doing it and it goes against the Wiccan rede 'And it harme none, do what ye will' that also includes hurting myself.
I have also been lax in taking my medication, I am still taking it daily but I seem to have lost my routine and instead of taking it the same time each day Im taking it whenever. I dont know what effect this wil have on me, and I hope it wont have that much of an effect, Though I do know that missing a day makes me really ill.. Venafalaxine has a really nasty 'cold turkey' effect.
I have lost intrest in tidying my house, I am not naturally a tidy person but I like clean, I can see dust and this is driving my OCD nuts but my CBA is really bad atm and I cant face cleaning, its like I dont have a purpose at the moment.
I know that if Gracey saw me like this she would be so so disapointed in me, I have come so far, but I feel consumed by grief and depression, and at the moment I cant see a way out of it. It doesnt help that I cant get the image of grace laying on the floor out of my head.
I want her back, I love her, I have lost my sparkle and no matter who hugz me it doesnt help. I dont believe in suicide as I see that as the cowards way out and Im not brave enough to kill myself, and I dont want my babies to be orphans, however I would be more than happy to go to sleep and never wake up again. I feel that the wrong person has died, it should have been me not Grace, she had things she was looking forward to, I have nothing to look forward to, Im struggling at college and really cant cope with it at the moment and I am unable to work, I am currently a drain on society and I hate it.
It does get better, but it does take time too, more than week for sure. And the place you are in right now (in your head) you'll find a way out off and I'll see your happy face again one day :-) it just doesn't feel like that now, it hurts, but little by little you'll not feel so low.
ReplyDeleteYou have loads to look forward too, a whole live of experiences to come and people to meet and places to see and jobs to do and things to make and, oh so many other things, and it's just around the corner.
Tell us about your course? What have you learnt so far? I can't be there but I can think good thoughts for you.
Take care!
Saffy's right, Taz. A week would be nowhere near long enough for anyone to start getting over such a horrendous experience and loss of a loved one.
ReplyDeleteFrom my own experiences of battling with depression, I recommend spending as much time as possible with other people, especially those who have a positive outlook on life, rather than any who are depressed, themselves.
Took me a long time to learn that positive thoughts drive positive feelings, not the other way round. Every night, when you go to bed, make a conscious effort to think of three good things about your life, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem. At all times, remember that thinking about bad stuff will just make you feel worse. So, when unhapy thoughts start forcing their evil way back in, try to block them out by going over & over, in your mind, the small but good things you've identified. You won't succeed every time but will very gradually make progress.
BTW, self-harming, alcohol, tobacco, drugs etc won't help. The only succesful 'treatment' lies within our own brains.